Unspotless Mind

New blog

2010-12-26T15:17:00.002Z

The link to my new blog is here

See you there!

xx

An announcement.

2010-12-23T21:00:00.000Z

In the next few weeks, I'll be closing up this blog. I don't think I'm giving it the attention it needs and I'm thinking about new thing, a new blog - which won't really fit into this. I'll post the link when and if I do go though with it.

But for now, I'm dimming the lights of this part of my unspotless mind.

G'night.

2010-12-02T22:44:00.001Z

Its been odd.

Yeah. Strange. Life, as a rule, refuses to stop a single second to take note. Things are speeding up, almost to the point of not recognising what I have in that moment.

I know I'm working hard. I know I'm tired. Or tried. Whatevs.

But I'm still here, with a phone-memory full of my usual rants and a certain kind of satisfaction that I'm still here.

So, there's that.

That, and a whole new playlist of songs.

Music that reflects my moods.

You have been warned.

He'll never even read this

2010-11-20T11:29:00.001Z

We were never friends. You just used that theory. You used it because you knew I believed in you when no one else would. I tried to honour what I thought I saw in you. But there is nothing. No anguish. No doubt. No fear that you are less than you are. And yet, you are. Not just because you let her down so badly, but because you destroyed what little hope you inspired in people who wanted so badly for you to become a better person.

People like you have no soul - you can't become a better person. I made excuse after excuse for you. I tried so hard to justify your behaviour when what I should have done is tell you repeatedly what a prick you really are. More fool me. But no more. Go and destroy yourself with self pity, knowing you will always drive away the people who care because you love to play the tortured artist. Pity yourself, the vapid shallow thing you are, pretending to be so sad to hide the fact you are devoid of an actual personality. Go on, surround yourself with fake friends, people you use as much as they use you, because your whole life is about keeping up the act. Don't let anyone get too close, lest they find out the truth about how empty you are.

But most of all, know this. Keep in your mind, that if you, yet again, go near the people I love, real people with real feelings - I will end you. You are little more than a husk now, of very little importance, but you fuck with me, I guarantee you'll be nothing more than a bad memory. Go play your sad song somewhere else, because no one here wants to hear the tune you play.

Like you said last night, poor little anguished boy, goodbye forever. Or, my words - fuck off. Run away. You're good at running from the truth, aren't you?

promises to myself

2010-10-26T23:44:00.003+01:00

All overhead lights will be off by 8.30pm. Candles and table lamps only after this. Your sense of calm will thank you.

Laptop and/or pc should be switched off by 7, barring a suitable reason (writing is one, tvtropes is not)

- further, no more gossip sites - the dirt on celebs stains you too.

You will write, and keep to, a suitable housekeeping schedule. You will sit and prepare the next day before you sleep.

No more snooze button mornings. You always end up rushing and forgetting things.

Work out. You miss it. Start off by getting back on the wii.

Stick to no wheat. You're getting good at it, and your body will thank you. Eventually.

Accept responsibility for your actions.

Admit you are just lazy, but you're capable of being better than that.

Never forget, especially during the low points, how very lucky you really are.

Stick to your goals.

Do it.

To meet and marry (and divorce?)

2010-10-19T22:21:00.001+01:00

Some people are just crazy.

Scratch that.

CARRRRRAAAAZZZEEEEEEE!!!!.

That's better.

I'm watching the Wedding House on Channel 4, and a couple have just got married after knowing each other for 3 months!

Seriously, I've got tins of food in my cupboard older than that.

I've only recently came around to the idea of marriage - and I count recently as January, still longer than 3 months away! I came around to it as a natural progression of my relationship with Gof, and in truth, I feel we have a marriage already. I mean, we have house insurance for goodness sake! The wedding day is, and always has been, simply a day we celebrate our relationship with our loved ones. It is a relationship borne of experience, shared memories and a bond only time could forge. We have been together for 3 years, and our wedding day will fall on our 6th year as a couple. We both agree that this is perfect for us. Our day will be enriched by experiences we have yet to share, and more importantly, we'll have paid off existing debt AND the wedding fees!

Even when I didn't understand or even necessarily agree with the concept of marriage, I still judged those who used it for the reasons that were absolutely against the spirit of the thing. We've all heard the horror stories. Shotgun weddings, weddings for gifts, wedding just to show off. Weddings just to win a honeymoon (I'm looking at you, guilty pleasure Four Weddings!). I always respected the choice to get married, if those choices were based on a mutual love and hope and determination to stay together and grow old together. I even understand that some shotgun weddings have the couples celebrate their 50th anniversary.

But, eurgh. The couple looked distinctly uncomfortable walking down the aisle, one groom just meeting his soon-to-be-husband's parents for the first time 10 minutes previously. I wouldn't be in the least surprised if they had already broken up. It just looked so forced.

Marriage isn't a fashion accessory. I can't relate to the idea that you marry knowing there's an option to divorce. I certainly can't understand the idea that people marry just because they can. I am over joyed that in this country, any people in love can marry regardless of gender, but rushing in just because you can cheapens it for the couples who marry out of genuine and carefully nurtured love.

Is it too much to ask?

Love and marriage apparently go hand in hand.

Or am I just kidding myself?

Find a clue

2010-10-18T20:55:00.001+01:00

I'm having a bit of a crisis. I'm constantly knackered and generally feeling lousy, I feel fat, uninspired, frumpy and bored of out my mind. My house keeping is important to me, and it gives my a sense of comfort, but I've let it far by the wayside.

I just feel lost.

I was in Wales over the weekend. My mum was in hospital for a spinal operation, and I wasn't missing that for the world. It wasn't a risk I was willing to take, that something could go wrong and I was 400 miles away. It was a busy and emotional weekend but I'm glad I managed it. I'm actually on the phone to mum right now, and I love how normal she is sounding, just talking about my niece and nephew. I'm hoping to get back down in a fortnight, but it's very much based on if I can get overtime.

While I was there, I was astounded by the sheer will power my sister has. Not only has she two kids under 5 to care for, she has a full time job, she's caring for my mum, AND scrubbing out a new flat my mum was offered a day before the op, so that mum can move in seamlessly after she's able to be independent again. All this, after she has completed a surrogacy two months ago. I need her stamina. Her iron will.

In the meantime, I'm just coasting along. I need some energy. I need inspiration. I need routine.

I want to clean out my home again. It's not a tarfside tragedy, but it's not as perfect as it could be - should be.

I want to get excited about my job again.

I want to take pride in myself again, not just the barest maintenance. Ego aside, I know that when I take care of my physical self, my mental state is default: happy.

I just want to have a life again.

Right now, excluding the weekend, my life consists of crawling out of bed at the last possible minute, climbing into the shower then my uniform and sloping off to work, feeling miserable there, then going home, sitting on the couch and staring at my laptop until I go to bed.

What a crock of shit. Lovely kind of life there. Not what I've dreamed of while I was sitting in a hostel.Where is Gof in this, I hear you ask? Being ignored, mostly. Not what he dreamed of either, I'd wager. (ed. note - he's not here right now, it's game night with the boys)

I don't know how I got into this funk. Autumn is my favourite season, I finally have a home I love. I have, as always, my gorgeous Gof trying to support me. Our bills are paid. My job is secure, with a promotion in sight.

So why this funk?

Seriously.

Why.

Answers on a postcard please.

Until then, I'm going to attempt.... something.

Feelin' blue...

2010-09-25T17:55:00.002+01:00

But it's a good thing!

I'm halfway through my weekly scrub, with dust itching my nose and my hands feeling worse for wear. So I've took alittle break and played a game. While I've been tiding, I've been making a note of things I still need/want to change/should buy in/want for the sake of the pretty. By tonight, I should have complied quite the list! But it's nice when I score it off, buying what we need for the flat or just because it's irresistible takes us one step closer to the home Gof and I want to have.

But to the game. I need constant inspiration and as I sat down to my laptop and diluting juice (keeping hydrated!) I wondered what I would do if I wanted my house to have blue in every room. Of course, I'm not doing that, but I wanted to see what other people have done. Out of the gazillion photos I saved for further viewing, these are my favourite five.

In this picture, I love how busy everything is and yet it looks like a place to be comfortable in, to enjoy and relax. Imagine, the sun gazing through as you smell the floras and feel the well worn comfort of all the cushions and quilts around you, your eyes heavy and dozing in little nap time.

Simply, how cool is the organiser! I mean, the colours and styling are right up my street, but it's the fact it looks like it belongs in a 60's spaceship or something that bring out the wow factor! Do want! An afternoon of whipping up the cupcakes and muffins your loved ones enjoy so much, flour on your nose and singing along to your guilty secret songs!

I actually have a very similar chandelier in pewter grey in our bedroom, but the unexpected shade of blue lifts it into the extraordinary. I'm a ditz, can anyone tell me what this shade is called? I may want it's babies! I can imagine a soft glow from those bulbs, setting off your calm room, a crown to any beauty you create.

Ooh you wouldn't leave this bathroom would you? No, I would lay there all day, my champagne glass always magically full as I lazily reach for it sitting on the chair beside me. Gof would come in every so often to feed me grapes and strawberries as Nat King Cole songs whispered through the window... bliss!

Finally, a little study, with beautifully planned out frames encasing your favourite moments in life looking over you as you read, write, or daydream the afternoon away. Imagine writing a letter to loved one, with crumbs on your lips from the cinnamon cookie to the side and your nose full of the aroma of a ginger tea.

Ok, your turn! Pick a word - a colour, fabric, emotion, anything, and look it up on google images. Then lets see your favourite 5 pictures!

In which I discuss (somewhat) Christianity.

2010-09-20T21:00:00.001+01:00

As you may know, I live in Glasgow. A city I love so much, I'm working on a blog about it. But for now, I'm here to talk about something I've been thinking about since Thursday. Yes, it's one of those posts.

The Papal Visit has got me thinking.

Now, let me begin by saying that although I think Christianity is a beautiful religion, for too long the simple idea that Jesus had has been bogged down by politics and oppression in many forms. It's my personal belief, and one I am happy to discuss and deliberate. I am not egotistical enough to believe I am right, and I fully respect and support anyone and everyone's own belief structure. As the saying goes,

"I may not agree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it"

So here's where I'm at. I believe Jesus existed. I believed he thought he was the Son of God, and wanted to make the world he lived in a better place. I believe that he lived and died as a holy man, holding to his morals and principals. I believe, when the first stories about him where written, some 30 years after his death, by people who may have not even known him, on behalf of the people that did - certain stories were embellished and exaggerated and even out right made up. Some of these writers did it out of a love of the message, and again, a desire to see the world be a better place. Some didn't. Some wrote for their own selfish reasons and started twisting the stories to fit with their own views on the world and on how life should be. It's human nature. No one is perfect. There is proof, then, when the stories came together, that a certain amount of editing happened, to make it "fit" with the beliefs of the people who collated them. Again, maybe not out of any ill thought, but it happened.

Then, many many years after the fact, the works were translated, and badly. There is also continuing work happening today to see what could have been if the translation was done with more than a basic knowledge of the language being translated. I'm curious to see the results. But back to the first translation. They attempted it several times, and each time they translated from the previous attempt, not going back to the original text. I can imagine how muddled those words got.

And then there were a few different versions floating around. People who followed one book denounced the others. There was no way to reconcile them all. Religious fervour had taken hold. In the end, the group with the most political clout, with the biggest sticks, won. The Church became a powerful entity.

Fast forward to today, and the idea of religion is almost distasteful. Too many wars, killings, conspiracies; and these days most people consider themselves atheist without fully exploring what that choice means. They assume it is the lack of a belief in a god. It isn't. That isn't the full story, the same way most believe Satanists are blood thirsty goat killing goths. Those people aren't truly Satanists either. I think J Michael Straczynski said it best.

As an atheist, I believe that all life is unspeakably precious, because it’s only here for a brief moment, a flare against the dark, and then it’s gone forever. No afterlives, no second chances, no backsies. So there can be nothing crueler than the abuse, destruction or wanton taking of a life. It is a crime no less than burning the Mona Lisa, for there is always just one of each. So I cannot forgive.

Most people who consider themselves Christian, in my personal experience, are lovely normal sweet people who just want a better world, and in the way that makes most sense to them. It means there are certain ideas I cannot agree with, but I know it comes from a place of love and an innate goodness that I can't help but love anyway. Then there are those who use Christianity as a tool for hate, an excuse to do and spread vile ideas and actions - but I do not identify them as Christians the same way I don't see the no god brigade as atheists or the aforementioned blood thirsty goat killing goths as true Satanists. *side note, I enjoy letting those people know they are the same Christians they claim to hate because they believe in the same god and devil - they just worship the other side. Scary, isn't it? And emphatically NOT what true Satanists are about*

In my eyes, the Pope is dangerously close to becoming one of the dangerous kinds of Christian. The kind I see as using religion, instead of practising it. I liked Pope John Paul II. He had ideas and a belief system I didn't always agree with, but I felt, in his heart, he loved his God and was intent on doing as much as he could, as a good man. Pope Benedict XVI however, is a god-fearing man, and seems to have an angle. It's strange, some of his beliefs about how the world should be are, on the surface, exactly the same as Pope John Paul II had, but it comes from a darker place. This isn't because of the whole Nazi Pope thing - to be honest, I empathise with how difficult it would have been to be forced into that in his youth.

Maybe it's as simple as something about him gets my back up. My hackles are on full alert. Maybe it's entirely down to personality. I've definitely considered that option. I guess I just don't understand how anyone can worship something they fear.

I will continue to write the implications of The Papal Visit - the finance and everything else that got people's panties in a twist. But for now, I wanted to make my position clear. Like I said before, I have huge respect for those who appreciate religion as a way to live a better life. I love the idea that faith enriches peoples lives. But organised religion causes me pause. And I would like to explore why.

And now for something completely different....

2010-09-17T02:18:00.000+01:00

You do not know me. I am invisible to those who don’t know my name. It’s a conscious thing; I don’t give my name out freely. I prefer being hidden. It makes it easier to watch and learn.

I noticed one day, that somewhere in the great vastness of the cyber world, that a great deal of people were drawn to a mysterious man named The Tutor.

Heh, I said drawn.

I noticed, as is my wont, that he was teaching these people, these willing students, a new philosophy. A way to paint. To become oneself through creativity. I watched, and my fingers itched to join in.

But, you see I have to confess, I have no fingers. I am simply me. I can’t paint, I have no canvas. I have no brush, no paint, no extension of myself. I am barely here, never mind there, in that sweet classroom built for two bodies, a cockroach, and a world of souls, each enlarged and enriched by The Tutor’s gift of himself. I simply watch.

But in my mind – I have recently discovered I have a mind, therein lies the tools at my disposal! I envision what I must look like, all hair and toenails, a sizable expanse of flesh and the bones to support it. I imagine my eyes are green. I see me, myself, picking up a pencil, and slowly twirling it around fingers – I have fingers now. I see me, myself, becoming accustomed to the shape, the weight, the form, and decide to have another. And another. I lay out these new tools and look up with my green eyes. An easel and canvas are to my right. I blink and see The Tutor’s grin in the split second’s darkness. There is a scalpel beside those pencils. I do I watched others learn. I prepare my tools.

First, there is nothing. A white square, like the last piece of unspoiled snow. I have watched in other times as those who come across the virgin territory quickly defile the snow. There is always regret after. But I will not regret this now. I lift my arms, and splay my fingers – remember I have fingers now. I prepare me, myself.

I see it now. Within the confines of my canvas, there is a chandelier, broken and on one side. It was once a majestic icon, gold and crystals glimmering like tiny rainbows. You can see the last piece of honour and pride this once great chandelier held, keeping all but a few of her crystals. The few are strewn on the floor. There is a mutinous crack looming overhead, an evil dark grin that could only mean the ceiling spat out its regal charge out of spite, a burden it no longer wanted to support. There is dust snowing down, so light you wouldn’t notice until it settles in the grand arms of the chandelier. Her beauty is fast fading under the dirty snow. In her wisdom, the chandelier accepts the dust in without fear and waits. There is very little that dazzles now. One crystal remains untouched, and it tries desperately to shine. But there is no more light in this room.

There is only a broken thing, and in the corner, almost hidden by her chandelier, there is a girl, whose name you don’t know, forever kept in the safety of canvas. Waiting for the next lesson.

a lil lesson

2010-09-09T23:50:00.001+01:00

I understood something today. I understood, that done right, a day can be more important, more life changing, than a year.

I now know that the most amazing things are sometimes hidden in the mundane. A little diamond that shines through the darkest of places.

I know that honouring a past is not the same as being a slave to it - rather, to take with you the lessons in your history as you face the path unknown is true respect.

One day, you will wake up, and when you lay you head back on that pillow your whole world has changed completely. Maybe it is because of something different you did. Maybe it is because you didn't change a single part of your routine. Who ever knows?

A life well lived isn't down to the accomplishments you can put down on paper. No one will ever remember that time you got three "À's" in a row. No one will care that you got a first aid award.

They will remember YOU. Your smile. The way you rolled your eyes. Your fear of clowns. The joy you took in the silliest of things, precisely because they *were* silly. Your favourite colour. They will remember rocking out, in true heavy metal style, to a Britney Spears song.

Take a chance.

Breathe.

Smile.

Live.

And let me know how it goes.

ohoh! I found this in my drafts! Win!

2010-09-08T19:55:00.000+01:00

So, I’m getting married.

Unusually though, I’m getting married to have a marriage. I’m not that bothered about the wedding. I’m sort of confused on the whole issue really. I’ve never been a wedding-y sort of girl. I mean, I appreciate the pretty when I go, but I also see the problems. I hate how most weddings I’ve been to, I get the impression the couple have spent months, maybe years on this one day. The Wedding Day is suddenly all the couple think about. Fights about the flowers, guests and table plans become the norm. And the cost? Fuggedaboutit!

I’ve known one couple, together for 6 years, re-mortgage their home, get married, and separate before the first repayment. Why? Because one fight about the groom’s best man, (she didn’t like him and wanted her brother to do it instead) pushed them past the point of remembering why they were doing it in the first place. They forgot the celebration of love.

Of course, not every couple turn into wedding-obsessed caricatures of their former selves. Some have it so sorted and simple, in thoughts of not in the style. For some, the whole exercise remains exactly what it always was, a day to celebrate the beginning of a marriage.

Today, I have been watching Four Weddings on LivingTV. It’s definitely shown me how NOT to go about planning our wedding. It’s also shown me that there are some fun, non wedding-y ideas to be had. Mostly, oddly, it’s reaffirmed my prior disgust to the whole shebang. It really does bring out the worst in some people. I’m worried it’ll bring out the worst in me.

From a self affirmed cynic to a not-quite-so hopeless romantic in one beautifully simple relationship. Far now, from seeing only the ugly side of weddings, I now want to celebrate the relationship we have, and forge a bond in front of the people we care about. I’ve held that in my head since we decided to get married. Mostly though, I think about the marriage aspect of this little contract, not the day that celebrates it. Every time I do, I just can’t picture past my Love and I holding hands. I don’t know what to wear, if I should have bridesmaids, the location, anything! I just don’t know. However, I do know I want this day to be special, and mean something, to us both.

Colour me confused alright. I suppose I’m gonna have to make some decisions. First off – we need to set a date!

And so, begins the Tale of the Anti-Bride.

Wish me luck!

Still alive!

2010-09-08T19:47:00.001+01:00

I'm in a strange place of being too busy and not getting enough done. So things, like this blog, have slipped by the wayside.

I'll sit down, very soon, and change that. But for now, I'll leave you with a picture that explains at least some of my absence. *hint, I was off being Elivinessa

See you soon!

Skunk Anansie - Secretly (uncut)

2010-08-25T22:01:00.000+01:00

always loved this song, but today it made me sob a bit. No idea why, but it's still gorgeous!

I've been biding my time, been so subtly kind,
I've got to think so selfishly, 'cos you're the face inside of me.
I've been biding my days, you see evidently it pays,
I've been a friend, with unbiased views, then secretly lust after you
So now you feel rusty You're bored & bemused
You wanna do someone else, so you should be by yourself, instead of here with
me, secretly

Trying hard to think pure, bloody hard when I'm raw,
you're talking out so sexually, 'bout boys & girls & your friggin' dreams.
So Now you feel lusty, you're hot & confused.
You wanna do someone else, so you should be by yourself, instead of here with
me, secretly

So now you've been busted, you're caught feeling used.
You had to do someone else, you should've been by yourself,
You had to do someone else, you should've been by yourself,
instead of here with me, secretly, secretly

Dust

2010-08-16T10:45:00.001+01:00

We are not friends. We were, once, so goodwill and pleasant memories carry weight and importance. A small piece of heart reserved for the lovely. But we do not know each others heart. We can not know the depth, for we never really asked.

Its not through lack of caring, no, for that would imply a certain choice when really I forgot time changes who we are. Once upon a time all we did together was all we were, there was no need for questions. Then we grew up, apart, and I never really realised it until one day the realisation hit like dust.

Blind and confused, I forgot who I am for a second, because how can I know myself when I don't know you?

The dust covers my eyes and I cry. I cry for those friends who didn't ever realised they weren't anymore.

*Just something I'm working on*

Public Service Announcement - Charity/thrift/vintage shopping!

2010-08-14T23:36:00.000+01:00

More than a few of my friends have commented on my usually successful trips to the charity shops in my area (I live in the mecca of charity and vintage shops :D), and often ask how I always come away with at least one thing. Any time I wear one of my new treasures, someone always asks where I got it and most are surprised when I say the charity shop!

But, surely, they no doubt wonder, that's where bad clothes go to die, after languishing at the bottom of the wardrobe for years - unloved, unwanted?

Well, no. Not always. Don't get me wrong, I usually have to rake through an awful lot of crap to find a diamond, but there is always items that have simply been donated out of the goodness of peoples hearts (or they ran out off storage and were forced at gunpoint to get rid of some stuff they loved but hadn't worn in ages - who, me?) , and they're there to be had.

Today, I was only supposed go to the bank, then the doctors, but walked back into my house with a skirt, a pair of jeans and a pair of shoes. All from charity shops.

I can't find my camera, so I'll describe what I bought.

One pair of black oval toed patent and snakeskin "look" courts with three thin straps, originally from Nine West. A snuggly, but not fluffy baby pink v neck 3/4 sleeve cotton jumper, originally from Debbie Morgan. A pair of bootcut blue jeans, originally from New Look, and finally, a black A-line skirt, originally from Wallis.

In fact, I'm wearing the skirt right now!

So, I started thinking - what are the rules I stick to when I go shopping? Charity and vintage shop finds account for over 80% of my wardrobe, so I must be doing something right if I'm constantly complimented!

So far, here they are.

1. Never buy anything originally from Primark. If you didn't buy it in that place, you're not likely to really want it now, are you? Plus it's so cheaply made, everytime!

2. On that point, look out for labels and brands you know and trust, or that have been recommended.

3. Know your colours. That neon green halter might look fun and kooky on the hanger, but is it really something you'd enjoy wearing if you usually wear pastels?

4. Sizes ALWAYS vary, so don't be depressed if that size 12 fits more like an 8.

5. When you do have a potential diamond in your hands, check stitching, for any flaws, frays and discolouring. In shoes, check the heel tips, inside the shoe and for any scuffs.

6. Yes, I know you like that black cardigan, but you have 12 at home. Do you really need another?

7. No matter what style you lean towards, every woman needs a little black dress, a white shirt, good fitting pair of jeans.

8. The more of an idea you have of what you're after, the better. There's less of a chance of coming away with either nothing or something just to buy something.

9. In saying that, be open to something amazing to appear out of the blue (and bargain bin!)

10. Don't spend more than you intended to. My rule of thumb, especially with vintage is asking if I would be happy paying double the tag if it was brand new. Mostly, it works out!

Go forth, and happy shopping!!!

Learning to communicate

2010-08-13T12:25:00.001+01:00

There's always been a little thought at the back of my head, one of those "I'll get around to it someday" kind of thoughts, when you suddenly realise you've been thinking about it for years but never acted on it.

I've always wanted to learn sign language.

The same way I've always wanted to learn to be fluent in Italian (I understand more than I speak), I've considered Sign as a language I would love to learn, considering there are over a million people in Scotland alone that suffer from some form of hearing impairment, it's a goal I think would benefit myself and the deaf customers I deal with on a regular basis.

Yesterday, in work, a woman approached a fellow colleague for assistance. I watched as she pointed to her ear and shook her head, signalling she was deaf, and said in the sort of thick accent that comes from being deaf from birth, "Help me". My colleague (who is new, it has to be said), look both confused and uncomfortable, so I stepped in to help. With a smile, she touched my arm and pointed to a gap in the shelf, where the product she wanted would be. I said clearly and a little slower than I would normally speak, "Let me check for you". I grabbed my scan gun and zapped the bar code, and my gun showed me there should be more in stock downstairs. I smiled and said "Yes, we have it, I'll go get some" and held up my two fingers to indicate I'd be two minutes. She smiled, counted out her fingers, and held them up. "Six" she said, "Six please". I nodded and went to go get them.

Luckily, they weren't hard to find, I quickly brought them back, plus more to put on the shelf. It was those ready made drinks in a can, this one being G&T, Sainsbury's are doing an offer on them just now. I put 6 in her basket and she hugged me, pointing at the promo sign and remarked "What a great deal" (not just saying that, it actually is, whether I work there or not! :P) and mimed tipping a drink back and being, well, less than sober! We giggled and she touched my arm again, saying "Thank you" with such warmth in her eyes I almost hugged her right back. Instead, I just replied, "You're welcome" with a smile to match her own, and we parted company.

As lovely as an experience it was, I can't help but feel if I had a basic working knowledge of Sign I could have made my lovely customer's request somewhat easier. I imagine she goes through her whole day, trying to communicate with people who make no real effort to understand her. The new guy, I imagine, isn't a bad person, but he clearly felt uncomfortable and walked away relieved when I took over. I think if there was just one person in her day to day life who unexpectedly could not only understand, but could communicate in a way she knows as well as hearing people can understand the nuances in speech - it's a goal worth having, I think.

So I'm on it. Gonna start, at least, to look online, I've already had a peek and there's a wealth of information to be had on BSL (I'm looking here and here at the moment.), and later, when I've grasped the basics, I'm going to look at evening classes.

It's the right thing to do.

sister, sister...sister, and fictional character!

2010-08-12T20:09:00.001+01:00

Man I'm tired. I've been tired all the time lately, the muggy weather and pulling extra hours at work has left Miz a very sleepy girlie! When I get home, all I want to do is sleep, and not think too much. But for today, at least, I figured I should have at least a small update on stuffs, since there has infact been life outside work!

My ickle (half) sister Sara was staying with us for a while, she does have her own flat but it was no longer very safe, she felt scared just being there and I wasn't for having that! I won't lie, it wasn't easy having 3 people, 3 loads of stuff, in an one bed flat, even one as spacious as this, but I'd always much rather that than knowing my sister couldn't feel settled in her own home. She's moved on now, to her mama's new house, now that it was fixed up enough for her, and although I'm glad to have my living room back, I kinda miss the booger :p

In other news, Lynzi, my other sister, the one I'm convinced is the true eldest since she mothers me so much - has gone and done something that will put her in the Hall of Family Fame forever more. Yesterday, she gave birth to Thomas, a bundle of Joy, and Dev. You see, she acted as a surrogate for this lovely couple, and gave them something they had been wanting for such a long time. I can't even begin to imagine how utterly selfless one must be to do something that requires not only your body, but heart and soul.

It was something she thought long and hard about, she already has 2 amazing kids, and doesn't want anymore, but as a mother, she understood, on a level I will never understand, the pull of having a child, and sympathised deeply with the plight of couples who find it hard to conceive. After a year of weighing up the pro's and con's, she decided it was something worth doing, signed with an agency, and was eventually matched with J&D. Since Lynzi is the most awesome of all human beings, she became pregnant on their first try, and not long after, a production company got in touch and asked to document the pregnancy. Since then, they've filmed a few segments, and it will be shown on BBC2 in March. Don't worry, I WILL remind you (incessantly) nearer the time :D

My sister is my personal hero. She's accomplished so much already in her life, and I know she'll continue to amaze me throughout our life. Even so, just for this one thing, the absolute magnitude of it all, will never cease to be the single most epic thing I've ever witnessed. She laughs at me for being so emotional, but I think, in this case, it's totally justified.

Since this seem to be about my sisters, I'll sign off with this last little tidbit. My other other sister (and that ain't even the last of them, just the last I've news about!) Jaime Leigh, has moved back from the middleofnowheresville where my mama and Lynzi live, to Glasgow. Already we've had two nights out on the lash, and I predict many more in the near future! It's good to have the lil angel*not* back home where she belongs, partying with me! I love it :D

Normal service (if there ever was!) will resume as soon as.... well... when I've got more to say!

Oh oh!

I did start writing my character diaries and had hoped to update daily until the Gathering, but Real Life sucks! I have started, posted one, and have written more, but they're all out of sequence as I write from different points in Livvy's lifetime. I promise to sit down really soon and link them up so I can publish them in order. Anyone wanting to know more, drop me a line and I'll get back to you!

Mwah!

The Tale of the NaziFem

2010-08-01T22:54:00.011+01:00

A little wander around the interwebs always amuses me, especially when I don't know where I'll end up. I've learned many a little known fact, gossiped over stuff I have no real care for, found great music/movies/people; generally, had a great time.

But ever so often, there's a real WTF moment - and recently there was one I couldn't pass without comment.

So, I was on TvTropes (yes, thank you Maffu - bastard) and ended up finding some ultra Nazi Feminist's blog.

Let's call it the online version of a car crash - bloody disgusting, and shaming to stare at it, even though you can't help it. And no, I'm not linking it.

The woman (and I baulk at calling her that, so lets call her NaziFem) was so twisted, so convinced her way was the only way to be, and even though she stated she would welcome open discussion, she banned certain comments from appearing, if someone was to have a different opinion than hers.

But there was one post in particular really really, offended me. She was getting all uppity about Firefly, and the fact she didn't think it was a female-friendly story. Now, that opinion doesn't bother me, not everyone will like the same things I do because they're stupid, obviously, but she went on to state that the way Joss Whedon writes his women characters obviously means he is a rapist.

I'm serious.

She outright said he rapes his wife.

I wish I was kidding.

NaziFem goes on, after some apparently non offensive (to her) prodding, to state that she believes in the radical version of what is considered rape. Which is to say that if a man (of course) tries to initiate sex (with a woman) it is rape, since the woman didn't ask for sex. Even if she consents, it is still rape, because the man pressured the woman into agreeing.

NaziFem is a lesbian, of course. The worst kind, who give the other, normal lady-lovin' ladies a bad name.

When someone asked NaziFem if a woman tries to have it on with another woman without her prior consent to try, if that was rape, and she admitted she hadn't considered that theory.

Of course.

Another woman commented, and told her that as a rape survivor (she rightly doesn't want to consider herself a victim), she found the blogger's "crazy notion of rape offensive". Said NaziFem "your opinion isn't welcome here" .

Such a great feminist.

In truth, I've no idea what I'm more angry about. Calling Joss Whedon a rapist is definitely batshit crazy, not because I know for a fact he isn't. But the reasons (and I loathe to say reasons) behind her thought process, which led to this proclamation on such a public forum is exactly why innocent men can and have been accused of rape. It also belittles Joss Whedon's wife, a woman whom I have no doubt is in a normal, healthy relationship. There is no proof she is a cowering, scared, and abused woman whose husband forces himself emotionally and physically. And yet, NaziFem would point blank refuse to consider the very real possibility that she was wrong, and anyone who questioned her was either ignored, deleted, told they were obviously stupid and brain-washed by the evil man, or all of the above.

Is this feminism? Taking extremely biased and hate-filled opinions and using them to blast people as stupid and ignorant? Or worse, rapists? No. These "feminists" are not feminists.

Women who want equal rights are feminists. Women who are true feminists don't hate men just because they have a penis.

Women like NaziFem don't want equality. They're guilty of the worst kind of hypocrisy. Just as they assume every man in the world wants to belittle women and "keep them down", if they had it their way, the I AM WOMAN brigade wouldn't seek equality, but would just simply switch the gender roles as they see it and claim superiority over the men. They're guilty because they assume woman who don't agree with their views are stupid and brainwashed by the men, not that they might just hold different and no less valid opinions. And yes, just because I really don't agree with NaziFem's opinion doesn't mean I don't consider it valid. It is, to her. I pity her the same way she pities us poor little brainwashed women with minds of our own.

I want equality. True equality. I want a world that doesn't base opinion on gender, sexuality, race or creed - but personality, talent and worth. I want people to respect, and respectfully agree or disagree with, everyone's else's opinions.

I don't think Joss Whedon rapes his wife. I don't think Mrs Whedon would appreciate the fact anyone would implicate her husband like that.

If that makes me brainwashed, then so be it.

Sometimes, I love it when my boyfriend takes the initiative too.

Suck it.

Damnit

2010-07-29T23:56:00.000+01:00

I've realised I can still see... I shouldn't really look back. Or be so damned nosy.

It hurts more than I thought. But then, it shocked me when it hurt at all.

You know that song? The internet really should be for porn. Only porn. And maybe shopping. Never for curious hopes that things are getting better, so you get nosy so you can find out if they are.

I'm away to finish my damn wine.

10 things you may not know about me

2010-07-27T23:14:00.001+01:00

1. When I'm alone for a night, I go to sleep watching LOTR. Any of of the movies, even the special fectures. Its my blankie :)

2. I don't like serving female customers with chin hair. I'm not exactly grossed out, it's natural for some, but I always feel like I'm staring then feel guilty for staring.

3. I can quote Dangerous Liaisons (the John Malkovich one) word for word.

4. The first colour I ever dyed my hair was purple, using V05 colour moose.

5. I was the only girl in my group who didn't kiss another girl during the Cathouse "unders" days. I was, and am, the only one who considers herself bisexual.

6. When I'm alone I sometimes listen to 90's teen pop like Jennifer Paige and early Mandy Moore. I'm not ashamed!

7. My favourite feature about myself isn't the obvious. It's my ragged egded ear!

8. I don't think I'll ever find a red lipstick I'll suit, but wear it anyway.

9. I have my funeral plans ready - but nothing for the wedding.

10. There's only one album I can listen to on repeat without ever getting sick of it. Morning View by Incubus.

That's all folks!

Me wantie!

2010-07-26T21:35:00.000+01:00

I've been looking through the interwebs for inspiration for our home. So course, I've found it! Tons and tons!

And then I went to Etsy. Oh Nicki, you stupid stupid girl...

found at whimsicalcollections

And then there's this...

from maechevrette

I may cry...

from westbournegrove

Ok, I need to stop now!

After this one...

from FBvintage

Ok, ok. I'm going.

2010-07-25T10:37:00.000+01:00

She got better.

She cleaned, and rejoiced in fresh air, the kind that smells like clean laundry, coffee and life. She may have had a little boogie with no music playing. She may make cupcakes today, a little seed of an idea planted in her mind and a new goal has formed while the darkness of yesterday left her unable to recognise a glimmer of hope until it started to bloom.

Yes.

She got out of bed, and cleaned. She knows she's not mad at her family. She's just mad.

Everyone knows that.

I've forgiven myself for my little time apart, and remembered to push forward, into remembering the little joys, greater than the sum of their parts. It's just no fun while I forget. But yes, sometimes I do forget, and I understand and accept that. I have to.

It makes the sudden switch from darkness to light evermore amazing. I blink my way back to where I should be, and memories crash back as I realise how absolutely lucky I am. My smile grows wider. And when my heart feel so big I can hardly contain it - I dance. I dance myself back to life.

But the truest joy isn't that I remember. It's knowing that when I feel like this, anything can happen.

2010-07-24T17:22:00.000+01:00

She's in bed, typing away with coffee-burned fingers, her mind fully aware of the absolute state of chaos her house is in. Trying to cope with it has apparently fallen out of fashion, so she does this instead.

She doesn't mind his things coming to stay. A life, 35 years of collecting, resides in the hall and there's just nowhere to put it yet. A blow up bed is deflated in the living room, as she refuses to let her sister stay in her own flat, where it's not safe. All these little clutters are a beast of her own making, but instead of trying to sort it out she lies in bed and types.

She hears the clank of metal buttons scrapping the glass of her washing machine as it spins round. The traffic from behind the still-closed blinds in her bedroom. But she sits apart, wondering why she doesn't just do something. Anything.

She's always happier when she shakes off the moss and her nose is itchy from the smell of cleaning spray as she goes about cleaning, wiping, polishing. She giggles when she does the Shake'N'Vac dance and the powder falling to the floor makes her sneeze. But right now it seems like no matter how she tidies, the place still seems grubby.

Her state of mind is inherently linked to the state of her home. One feeds the other, and vis versa. So, when her home feels spoiled and wrong, so does she - and the feeling gets worse so the house goes neglected as a physical representation of her fractured mind. She knows this is not a new occurrence. She remembers Tarfside, and shudders.

She's off-kilter right now. So she sits in darkness, and waits for something to change.

Stay or go?

2010-07-18T23:16:00.000+01:00

I've been neglecting this poor blog for a while now. I know, I'm a bad Miz.

Truth is, I've been writing on another blog. One I've not published yet, so I won't link it quite yet. It just seems like the time to make a change, so much has happened in my life since I first started this blog and I feel I want my blog to reflect that. Plus, there's been quite a few people now telling me I should write, like, really write, and I'm finding it harder to ignore them. I could keep this one going and start the other afresh, I'm not entirely sure on my decision on that yet. The posts I've written for the other blog aren't always as personal as this one, and I'm still in two minds as to how personal I want to go. I've set myself the target of writing at least 2 posts a week until the end of the month, when I will be publishing it, so I'll have a backlog of posts, and always have content ready.

Ah, I'll see.

It'll be interesting to find out.

In the meantime, I'm going to bash my neighbour's door in until they turn down the fucking tv. I'm starting work at 7am, and they should be politely informed of that fact.

Procrastination

2010-06-25T15:42:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow I'll be having a birthday party, and my house will be filled with most of my nearest and dearest. My kitchen is clean and tidy, except the little counter top with all my baking stuff (I'm making peanut butter cookies). I need to tackle the little corner in my hall, obviously, putting random stuff there so I'll deal with it hasn't exactly worked... for 3 weeks. Eek.

So. Yeah. I'm supposed to be tidying. So why am I sitting here instead, I hear you ask.

Hello. Have we met?

I'm alone and I have internet access.

I'm also putting off doing that hall. It will involve going downstairs to the bins, and to the charity shop.

And do you know what? I actually got my act together and went to film the flat for your viewing pleasure (and to show off our new TV) and guess what? I couldn't find the bleeping camera. Grrr.

Right, I'm off. Honest. Need to polish, hoover, and then I won't feel so bad pampering myself tonight.

Either that, or I'm going to go play Super Mario 3.

I'll never tell ;)

It's worthy of a blog post!

2010-06-23T16:00:00.000+01:00

So, I'll be blogging and videoing later, but I have some very exciting news.

I. Am. Cooking. Tonight.

ME!

Not Gof, who, I'm lucky to say, LOVES cooking.

What I don't like though, is whenever I do try to cook, Gof hangs over my shoulder and asks me what I am doing/how I'm doing it/why I'm doing it/don't you think you should...

AAARRRGGGHHH

So, he's barred from MY kitchen tonight.

I'm cooking.

And what am I cooking?

Well, I'll be buying...

Chicken
Pineapple
Red onion
Mango
Brown rice
Jalapeño
Lime

....

I'll take pictures later!

Today, I am 26

2010-06-22T22:52:00.001+01:00

I've still got a lot of growing to do. Each truth I discover throws up more questions and mistakes I've yet to make.

I will inevitably let people down. I don't like it, and will strive to make sure it doesn't happen, but I know that the more I learn about myself, the more likely my ideals and motives will change and with that, essentially invalidating contradicting and until then, completely sincere promises.

It's not nice to know that about myself. But, I suppose, at least I know.

But anyway....

I don't care as much about losing weight as I do about feeling fit. You may think it's the same thing, but it isn't.

I seek strength from my closest friends, and can't help mother some of them.

I want exactly what I have, squared.

I still don't want kids.

I will never be sick of feeling the grass between my toes.

Or laughing at dirty jokes.

Or hearing my nearest and dearest laugh, for that matter.

I love finding common ground between me and new people in my life.

As much as I love my holiday, I'm almost missing work.

I still love Zero 7.

I love surprising people, in the nicest of ways.

Stephen Fry is THE MAN.

I'm sick of the Go Compare ads.

I want ice cream.

And that's just today! Thoughts and feelings that may have occurred to me before, some new - but all have been on my mind today.

Happy Birthday to me. I'm grateful for so much, and can't wait to see what this year brings.

2010-06-15T22:45:00.000+01:00

I dreamed we were there. The plane leapt the tropopause, the safe air, and attained the outer rim, the ozone, which was ragged and torn, patches of it threadbare as old cheesecloth, and that was frightening. But I saw something that only I could see, because of my astonishing ability to see such things: Souls were rising, from the earth far below, souls of the dead, of people who had perished, from famine, from war, from the plague, and they floated up, like skydivers in reverse, limbs all akimbo, wheeling and spinning. And the souls of these departed joined hands, clasped ankles, and formed a web, a great net of souls, and the souls were three-atom oxygen molecules, of the stuff of ozone, and the outer rim absorbed them, and was repaired. Nothing's lost forever. In this world, there's a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we've left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least I think that's so.

-Harper Pitt, Angels In America

And, I'm gone.

2010-06-13T12:19:00.000+01:00

I had to do it. I really don't know what else to say, that won't sound horrible or bitchy. I respect that change happens, but to happen so damn quickly, casually tossing aside thoughts and feeling I long held to be important... I couldn't, and won't, be a part of it. I see things only from my point of view, as everyone does, and I can't stop feeling the way I do. It might be wrong, but it's my instinct, and I ignore that at my peril. I did try to ignore, stop reading between the lines, but I don't know how something so special twisted into something painful.

Is it really so important that I'm around? It doesn't seem so, and I'd rather not push a connection that seems to be severed beyond all repair. Simple fact is, logical or not, any decision made impacts more than can ever be predicated. It's the sad side to ripples in the water, far reaching consequences of a decision made to benefit the self.

Maybe it's a testament to the importance someone holds, even when they don't realise it. Put on a pedestal and unwittingly disappoint when it's revealed you have flaws like anyone else.

Regardless. This wasn't about taking sides. It never was. I took the decision to remove myself from more upset, more anger, and what was fast becoming hate. I never expected those sort of feelings to arise in this friendship, and I would rather leave it alone now, than it descend into a mutual headlock where nothing can be salvaged because I can't bring myself to agree with the choices you have made.

The funny thing is, in my position, I suspect you'd feel the very same.

In which I blabber. Alot.

2010-05-23T23:54:00.002+01:00

Yesterday I finally got the DVD I was in, a NuArt production for my local Housing Association to talk about the homeless people they re-home. I talked about it a few months ago, when I got all huffy over the fact that homeless people aren't treated with the dignity or respect they deserve, or in fact, need. I still feel strongly about it, but, for now, it'll have to be one more thing that's shelved until I can give it the time it needs.

And I will do it.

Eventually.

The DVD was quite good, and I think it would be very helpful to send copies to hostels around the city, to show that yes, there is hope for finding a place of your own. It certainly helped that I got the last word in it! They spoke to three other new tenants, beside myself, in our new homes, and each of our stories, while being very different, were oh so familiar. One guy said that his pride was what stopped him from asking for help at first, and man, I can sing that particular song!

With the DVD, I was also sent this lovely crystal paperweight with PHA's symbol and logo, which is "people, places, opportunities."

I've never known a logo to suit so well. The PHA treated me like a person, not another homeless reject, and provided me with a security I haven't felt in such a long time.With no emotional obligations to me, they simply treated me with decency, heard my story, and gave me a lifeline. A home of my own. Unless you've ever been in a similar position - I pray you haven't even though too many are - I can't really articulate the feelings that coursed through when I knew I was seeing that light of the end of a very dark, very long, tunnel.

In it's most basic form - I was a person, given a place, which provided me with all my opportunities. I would not have a job I enjoy, my everloving and long suffering boyfriend now shares my address, my bed (as well as his DVD's!), in short, a comfortable life, and freaking snake of all things!

Seriously, how gorram cute is he? He's such a show off, loves the attention!

*BONUS PIC*

As soon as the camera is out, he's all, ooh, get me close up! heh heh

Anyway, sorry.... I was saying... PHA are awesome. I love my life right now and I've got them to thank for it. I'm glad I could say as much for them. As soon as I can, I'm going to try to put the vid, at least my parts, online. I'll have to ask them first, but I don't see there being a problem - hopefully!

2010-05-19T00:03:00.001+01:00

Ok.

So.

Let's try this.

I'm not dealing with this very well, and that, in itself, it more of a shock than I anticipated. At first, I was more upset at the situation, and for the two main players than for myself, but now...

Today was a bad day at work. Not bad because it was a bad day at work, but because I spent the entire day merely existing, and floating through time in a way I've not been in a long time. I say it's a down swing, but it's swinging down too low for comfort. This is bad.

So I have to admit that this is affecting me. And this makes things difficult. Because it's now making me angry at the push into my shaky piece of mind.

But who, or what, to be angry at? I'm not angry at them, I think. There's no point being being angry at something no-one can control. It's just shit. And I know out of this, I'm not suffering even half as badly as they are.

But I'm heartbroken and I need something to blame it on.

Tomorrow will be an empty day.

a little procrastination....

2010-05-13T04:12:00.000+01:00

My sleeping pattern is all outta whack. It happens, when I'm on holiday for a week and I know have internet access (did I mention that?) and maybe I slept all day today.

It was a migraine-induced coma, ok? I couldn't help it. Honest.

Anyway, now we're done with recriminations and such, we'll turn our heads to why I'm actually typing this at 2.00am, in my nightie and with cold feet.

No, it's not Repo, although that's what got me out of bed. Seriously, I gave up trying to sleep (again) when I realised I was watching the movie in my head.

I'm that obsessed. But more on that another time.

I've started thinking about the fact I'm attending my lovely wifey's daughter's communion this Sunday. I want to look nice, and appropriate for a Church. But sadly, I've realised most of my attire is... well... not exactly conservative. So, I've done what any girl would do this time of night. I took to Polyvore.

I'm swerving towards wearing a dress. Just because.

I love green. Especially when it's exactly the right shade against my red hair not to make me look like a Christmas tree.

hippy green by MizSpoilt featuring Tribeca shoes

Items in this set:
vintage 1970s floral print maxi dress, 75 GBP
Tribeca Snick Snack - Green, $30
Ameko Weave Leather Clutch Bag, $145
Monsoon Accessorize - Turquoise Chunky Multi Bangles, 18 GBP
Vanilla Skies Parasol, $50

Grey and pink is quite lovely, this time of year too ...

grey nude by MizSpoilt featuring Oasis dresses

Items in this set:
Pyramid Dress, 80 GBP
ELEONORA, 240 GBP
Alexander mcqueen bags GREY, 350 GBP
Swarovski crystal rose ring, $495
Women's Accessories, Women's Belts & Scarves | Reiss Clothing Online, 69 GBP

ok, ok, I got side tracked...

I spend way too much time online.

But the hunt for an appropriate outfit will continue tomorrow!

Cheerio!

Ok, enough of the springform

2010-05-11T18:03:00.002+01:00

I'm two days into my holiday and I think I've done the right level of relaxing and housework. But then, I would! I can't believe how much has changed in the few weeks G has been here, and really, it's exciting as it is frustrating to find space for his stuff! I joke, kinda. Right now, my home smells and feels like a laundrette, I'm washing everyone we own because I think my skin doesn't quite like the last detergent I was using... itchy! It's a beautiful day outside, and I've got this feeling of... oh, I don't know... contentment. I know there's other things I could be doing, but right pottering about the house and listening to old favourites like this or this feels like exactly what I should be doing. I kinda love forgetting how much I love certain bands, because re-discovering them is such a treat.

You know what's weird? I write ALL the damn time when I'm on a down swing, like I need to get it out and maybe I'll not feel so desperate. But when I'm happy, I feel like, not I don't have anything to write, more I shouldn't write about it. It almost feels like I'm aware people know I'm just that little crazy, but if I'm happy about something, I shouldn't rub other people's faces in it. We all talk about about the fact we're miserable, even if the facts remain secret. But when the opposite occurs, the simple fact is we (or at least *I*) don't feel entirely comfortable telling the world that yes, I am doing quite well, thank you.

So yeah. I've made peace with my problems, and continue down a merry path of life. It's real, there's cracks in the pavement and I'm trying to walk with a surer step, careful not to slip, but if it happens, I know I can pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again. I'm not as scared of falling now. I know it'll happen from time to time, particularly when I'm not paying much attention. I'll get too distracted by simply living my life to worry about the cracks in the road all the time. I'd rather just fall occasionally than be on constant alert, not fully experiencing everything life is offering me because I'm too nervous about the outcome.

Being sensible is not the same as being on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I refuse to watch life from a distance just because it's safer. I want to fully participate in my life. I want to fuck up occasionally, because even now, I don't regret a single decision I've made, because it's led me here. Emotionally, mentally, physically.

The truth I've fought so hard to ignore is simply this. I'm not perfect. I wouldn't even want to be, really. Too much effort for not enough pay-off. And it would piss people off, being so damned perfect. I'll pass on that. It would breed an arrogance I just don't have in me. I'd rather be fallible. Imperfect. Real.

Plus... just think of those mistakes that'll turn into something amazing. I'm sure there's a few more of them in my future, providing I'm not too careful :P

formspring.me

2010-05-07T16:54:00.001+01:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/mizspoilt

How much do you LOVE me! and will you come party it up in leeds with me ;) xx

2010-05-07T02:02:00.001+01:00

I love ya looong time! :D name the time and place girl :D

Ask me anything

If you had to name 3 people in your life who were awesome, but under-appreciated by others, who would you pick out as deserving more love from the world?

2010-05-06T22:40:00.001+01:00

everyone I know deserves love, and if they feel under-appreciated, they should feel, and be, entitled to speak up and tell the world "Pay attention!"

Ask me anything

Which of these -ism's do you think applies most to you: Solipsism; Nihilism; Determinism; Fatalism; Fallibilism; Absurdism; Bonism; Casualism; Gnosticism; Hedonism; Malism; Meliorism, or, is there another -ism that suits you better?

2010-05-06T22:39:00.001+01:00

As much as I'd like to hold the ego I need to believe I am the only being in true existence, I don't, I believe too strongly in fate and purpose, but also free will, a world not rules by either/or situations, which rules out the next three, I accept all people are fallible, but not that everything we hold to be true is false. I believe personal truths are to be looked for, cherished and accepted for the meanings they inspire in our hearts and heads.

Bonism, I confess, I had never heard of before, but after a quick shuftie, I'm interested to learn more about it... I'll get back to you on that one!

Casualism is too broad an idea to believe or disbelieve, Gnosticism is too contradictory for me, and Hedonism is too simple, and ultimately selfish, for my tastes. I'd like to think more positively about life, and yet, I doubt I'm suitably pessimistic to support Malism and finally, although I'm all for progress, I believe the Nature world should not be spliced and diced for one species' own ego. There's plenty about the natural world that can advance the whole world to a better place, but nature and science must sit comfortably aside each other.

In essence, I wouldn't say I hold to a particular, established ethos, rather, I believe what I know to be true in the moment, and never stop looking to learn more. If there's an -ism out there that encapsulates that simple little thought process, then that's what suits me. And I'll find it one day!

I'm a mass of tumbling contradictions, however! I reserve the right it change my mind when I damn well please! :D

Ask me anything

Daddy or Chips?

2010-05-06T21:44:00.001+01:00

CHIPS!!

Ask me anything

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen Swallow?

2010-05-06T21:43:00.001+01:00

An African or a European swallow? :P

Ask me anything

The Zombie apocalypse happens (finally...), and you find out about it because a zombie mob just broke in to your house. You've got about 2 minutes to grab stuff and get out. What do you grab, and where do you run to?

2010-05-06T20:31:00.001+01:00

Anything heavy, explosive or sharp! And since I'm on the top level of my building, I'd grab a wire hanger and fashion a handle in which to slide down various wires to the street!

Ask me anything

Ninjas, or Pirates?

2010-05-06T20:29:00.001+01:00

A weird hybrid of Pirja!

Ask me anything

The world ends in 8 minutes, so you...

2010-05-06T20:28:00.001+01:00

do something that requires your credit card details to read about :p

Ask me anything

Pants

2010-05-04T20:32:00.000+01:00

It's a strange sensation to know that no matter what decision you make, chances are you'll regret it. I'm in a bit of conundrum. See, I've had a disagreement with someone close to me, and I've came to the conclusion our friendship is over. Since the disagreement, neither of us has contacted the other, and I'm not sure that's a bad thing. Which is rather horrible, now that the dust, at least for me, has settled. The conundrum stems from the fact that I'm aware they probably have no idea how I feel about the situation, and really, I have no idea how they feel either. Are they still mad? Upset? Feeling awkward? Uncomfortable? I really can't call it and until I man up and make the first contact, I'm not gonna know. I've even wrote about it, for pete's sake (who *is* pete anyway?) - and it'll never see the inside of this blog. If anyone will read it, it'll be them. It's not an apology really, more a way I could get the thoughts swirling around my head down so I didn't have to think about it anymore. Didn't work. I've resigned myself to the fact I feel this way about it, and I'm torturing myself by constantly analysing it. But I literally can't help it. I'll be at work, and my job is pretty non-taxing, mentally, so I think about other things, and right now, unfortunately, this keep popping into my head until I get upset and hide in the staff toilets for a while.

I feel sick, and shaky, at the thought of even contacting them, for Christ's sake! Going on panic stations! It's ridiculous! This person is/was my friend, and even given how things might stand between us, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want to cause me a panic attack and yet, I'm working myself into such a tizzy I'm scaring myself.

Fuck it. I'm texting.

Right now.

....

Fuck. No idea what to say.

A message pretending none of it happened?

An "I hope all is well" text?

A blatant "Right, is all this nonsense over with"?

Or should I be REALLY lame and ask if we're still friends?

ARRGHH!!!

Minefield, friendships.

What's the difference?

Whatever I choose will probably be wrong, so I may as well pick a way and just do it. It's been over a fucking week.

Wonder what'll happen.

all time favourite incubus song? :)

2010-05-04T20:25:00.001+01:00

You'd make me choose?! It does tend to change through mood, but right now it's Under My Umbrella... no, not *that* bloody one! :P

Ask me anything

What is your dream job?

2010-05-04T20:24:00.001+01:00

owning my own cafe, above all else! I still have other aspirations, but that's the main one :D

Ask me anything

Yesterday used to be the future

2010-05-01T15:49:00.000+01:00

Working.

Then, hairdressers.

Feeling better that my much butchered hair (don't go to Flicks, is all I'm saying) was looking itself again, albeit a shorter version of it, the day seemed brighter even though it was overcast.

As I was walking up Union Street, two handsome men were walking down it.

We made eye contact.

I smiled.

So did they.

I let my gaze drift downwards.

They were holding hands.

Just two lovers, no big thing.

Just taking a stroll down a busy Glasgow street in the City Centre.

I looked back up, by now we were inches away from each other.

I smiled, a real, big smile that now that had nothing to do with my hair, the day's work or anything else.

Just the joy in the moment, that these two men could simply show their affection for each other in such a beautiful, easy way.

They returned the smile.

We walked past each other.

The moment was gone. But the memory remains.

This is progress.

This is the future.

Rockclimbing? worst metaphor ever!

2010-04-28T20:18:00.000+01:00

So, things have happened. I have a boy living with me now. We have a snake called Hugo Fucking Weaving. We bought stuff from B&Q to decorate. We bought a fridge freezer. We.... are becoming a family of our own. It's scary, crazy and oh so amazing!

I mean, two years ago I was living in a hostel, I had lost pretty much everything and I was sinking ever lower into misery and debt. I suppose you only know that you've hit rock bottom after you see how far you've climbed since then. Climbing, I've hung on to some shaky rocks, fell and slipped many times and looked up to see what I thought was the top, but it was just another ledge, another stopping point to cling to in the times I didn't think I had the strength to carry on. But, to further stretch out the rock-climbing metaphor (and I realise I'm pushing it here!), the ropes I had were enough to keep me going. Gof. My friends, even though they probably don't realise it. My family, finally comfortable in the knowledge I was finally growing up and taking responsibility. They all helped.

My god, this is starting to sound like an Oscars speech!

Guess this won't be a keeper, in writing terms, but I just wanted to get this down.

I love my life.

I've never been more settled. I'm comfortable in one place, but the best thing is, I'll never stop moving forward.

With and along side Gof. We're a team.

Oh, and Hugo too!

Are we there yet?

2010-04-13T23:55:00.000+01:00

How can it be that I'm still not happy. No, scratch that - I am happy, or at the very least happ-ier, and I love how far I have come in this past few months. But somewhere, in my heart of hearts, I know I'm getting restless.

It's a common occurrence. Every time I feel things can be moving quicker, I get antsy to the point of messing things up just for something to do. I don't want to do that anymore, but how to change? How to stop seeing the glass as half empty?

I'm settled in a gorgeous flat that's steadily becoming a home, my Love is moving in soon, and my job is going well. I have these moments of unbelievable joy and contentment, and I cherish every bit of good luck always, but then... there's this. The down swing. No matter how good things get, I'm still me. I'm still bi-polar and now these down swings seem more ridiculous than ever now that life is improving. Which just makes me angrier.

I need to keep going. Getting on with getting on.

It's worth it, I know. It's all worth it. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

Skip to the end

2010-03-22T23:48:00.000Z

Oh how I miss the tinterweb! I'm getting there... ever so slooowwwllyyy, but I'm getting there.

I've been working in Sainsbury's for just over a week now, and I love it! Officially I'm a Code Checker, which basically means I go around the store making sure the stock is there, anything dated for today is reduced (and technically I can reduce the price to whatever I choose - oh the power!!) , and my favourite bit, I'm usually the one customers go to for help. It's not rocket science, or even working in a cafe, but I love being around people, and I LOVE knowing I'm earning my own money. I see good things working there. Everyone has been uber friendly, and I'm pretty confident already, within myself, being back in work.

Gof is moving in, in two months. His socks and some DVD's have already made their way over to my house, but it'll be interesting to see how real life living together. After over two years together, and pretty much living in each others pockets, the only real change will be the finances. Which we've already discussed. And discussed, yada yada yada! It'll still be a big step, I know, but I trust us to cope.

I also got a new laptop! An Acer Aspire 5532, to be specific. In true squee style, me hearts it big time :D Now all I need is proper net access at my flat and I'll be cooking with... well, binary code?

Ok, I'm all over the place today. This entire blog is totally unstructured, I know this, but I'm emotionally all over the place even though I'm probably the most stable I've ever been!

Right, let's just recap -

*I have a new job
*I love said job
*Gof is moving in soon - scary and exciting
*I bought a new laptop to celebrate new job
*I'm getting excited about about The G already since I know Steve and Frances are coming too
*I'm writing my character diaries again, and am thinking of creating a new blog for them
*I just ate some ice cream
*Mock The Week is on Dave
*I should go to bed soon.

And the bestest ever thing? I'm deliriously happy right now.

Long may it last.

And then some...

2010-03-12T10:44:00.001Z

I have a job! Finally! I start tomorrow, and will talk you all about it then. Right now, I just feel like everything is finally falling into place - a real step in the direction of life! There's so much coming up, that I just want to jump up and down and scream in the best possible way.

But I'm nervous. The old me, still hidden in a small way, is silently waiting for something to go wrong, for something to topple and make all else that's going right fall down with it. I try not to pay attention to the negative side of me, but it was a defence mechanism I used for so long. I expected the worst, and in a weird way, felt justified in assuming that things go wrong, because they always did. I didn't realise it was self-serving, almost like I sabotaged the good without really realising it. Even now, I need to stop myself from making the obvious mistake to ensure I know I'm doing everything in power not to screw it up. Like I've said before, I want to feel the fear of success. I want to know, with every inch of my being, that I can, and will, succeed. I'm capable. I'm strong.

I've started to over-analyse things again. It's something about me I've tried without much success to change. So, instead of fighting a losing battle, I've utilised it. I turn it into over-analysing the possibilities, decisions about financial matters, emotional ones, whatever, but in a positive way, not thinking only about what can go wrong. As a result, I've been very happy with each and every choice I've made recently, knowing that I've weighed up the pro's and cons in a thoughtful way.

I know what I mean!

I'm still to hit my stride, but I know at least I'm trying to find the rhythm I'll enjoying dancing to, and that's good enough for me.

For now.

First job interview

2010-03-02T12:10:00.000Z

I went last week, (still quite ill) to the first job interview I've had since I officially began looking for work. It was for Benefit Cosmetics. Dream job, almost, yeah? Nope. Don't get me wrong, I love a good few of their products, like You Rebel, High Beam and Bad Gal liner, but I don't agree with their policy on getting bums on seats within their concession. It's almost forced.

I'll start at the beginning. First up, there were 4 candidates, myself included, up for the "audition". First, we were told abit about the company and how being open and friendly to potential clients was at the base of their company policy. We were told they have a "Show not sell" bottom line, basically, the products *are* great, they sell themselves, but we're there to make sure people know about them. So far, so good, right? They offer mini makeovers, and there's no obligation to buy, no pressure. It's true, I never seen a customer while I was there looking like they felt they *had* to buy.

But wait, the pressure starts before they sit on those seats. We (the four candidates) were taught to walk up to a customer (roleplaying with each other), immediately touch their arm and ask if they'd heard of Benefit. While they answered (and we were told the answer didn't really matter anyway), we were told to slip an arm round their back (to encourage friendliness, of course), and start pushing, I mean leading the customer to the seats while talking about how they simply *have* to try out this line. I don't know about you, but I have serious issue with complete strangers manhandling me, but idea that some people may think that you are invading their personal space was just poohpooh'd away. We were being friendly, that's all!

Before we were lead out to the general public to try this out though, we were asked to give each other a quick makeover, using Dr Feelgood, You Rebel, BeneTint, and High Beam. Happily, I got stuck in, and got compliments both for my technique and for my freshly make over face when the other girl tried it out. I could do this - I know I can, I thought over and over, but when it came to trying to get people over... nope. No can do. I'm not forcing people over.

Benefit looks girly, fun and retro, and the set up, the music, everything about it is welcoming. Except the pressure to sit down. They quite freely admitted that they were the only company in the beauty department to hunt down customers like this, but they made it sound like a good thing. I don't think it is. The products should speak for themselves, and people should want to come over, not avoid it because those crazy girls chase you down and make you sit down. I cut my losses after 10 mins of trying. Doesn't sound like much, but believe, it felt like a million years, if you believe the exaggeration for once. I went back to the girl in charge of us candidates and told her this sort of hard sell, I mean show, was something I couldn't and wouldn't do. She was nice about it, saying this sort of thing wasn't for everyone, and thanked me for trying out.

I know I want a job badly, but I don't want to chase a job I couldn't do well, one I couldn't feel at all comfortable with.

Leaving the store, an employee (different department) asked me how the "audition" went. I told him I couldn't stop traffic, the term they use. He said he didn't really like how they done that either. Made me feel like less of a loser for bailing out.

There'll be other jobs.

Won't there?

hides in shame

2010-03-01T22:32:00.000Z

Yes yes, I'm a naughty girl - I promised another video then disappeared for two weeks! I'm sorry, truly, I am! Thing is, I got sick, then Gof got sick, then we didn't leave my house for more than 20 minutes at a time... for a week. But the plague has ended and Gof is now on holiday anyway, so we've rejoined society, ie. venturing out in broad daylight and coming to his house for the net access!

So, right now, I'm typing this on Mac's Mac (seriously :P), I have a pad full of other blog ideas beside me, I'm considering outfit ideas for the upcoming Emilie Autumn gig (SQUEE!!!) and generally, enjoying sitting up! Gof is sitting next to me playing Alien V Predator on *his* PC (which is faaar superior to a Mac, apparently :P), and I think I've lost him for good... I'm an AvP widow!

*he's grumbling about the Alien eating him alot, it's quite funny*

So, catch up. I went to a job interview last week (more on that in another post, it warrants it, believe me!), and on Saturday, we had a birthday get together for Gof and our mate Chris, they share a birthday (which is actually tomorrow!), so Gof made sushi, Chris made... ummm, loads of hot Japanese food (sorry I forget the names!) and we had about 15 guests and quite abit of alcohol! It was a good night, almost civilised... almost. There's also more done in the flat, but no video because there's no battery power left in the camera and silly cow me keeps forgetting that fact! But I'll get on up soon enough, promise!

In other news, I won a competition! ME! I never win anything! It was a competition held by the ever lovely Miz Candice DeVille over at Super Kawaii Mama for a AUS$50 voucher courtesy of the beautiful store Violetville :D I'm about to go pick something out, since I'm FINALLY online properly... I'll be back with a pic of what I choose!

Mwah!

Another Video...

2010-02-12T13:08:00.000Z

I meant to post this on here the end of last week, but, of course, I forgot! This was filmed last Thursday (04/02/2010) after the film crew left, but before I wrote my blog on homelessness.

On that, I've decided to work on a report, starting by going back to my old hostels and talking to the residents still there. I want to write an accurate account of homelessness in Glasgow, and publish it either here, or try to get a newspaper involved. Lets see where this takes us!

Anyway, back to the vid, here's what I've done to the place as of then, and I'll post another next Friday (the 19th). Any excuse to keep the ball rolling!

Let me know what you think!

thank god I'm (not?) pretty?

2010-02-09T12:12:00.000Z

I don't know when I really realised I wasn't pretty. It wasn't anything my mum said, nothing my family did, to make me feel, well, less than pretty. Even though I have many, many, brothers and sisters (thank you biological dad!), I grew up with my two younger sisters, Lynzi and Jaime-Leigh. Lynzi grew up blonde, blue eyes, tan and the one what all my gorgeous little cousins "took after". Jaime-Leigh was the complete opposite, quite pale and and very dark features, a million lashes framed her deep brown eyes. Even as the eldest, I was somewhere in between. My hair wasn't dark enough to be really brown, neither light enough to be considered blonde. I called it my dirty water hair, because that's what it reminded me of. My eyes were a mix of green and blue.Nothing spectacular.Growing up seeing people fawn over Lynzi's beautiful golden hair or Jaime-Leigh's doll-like features didn't bother me, because I did it too. I didn't stop to realise people didn't really fawn over how I looked.

Maybe it was that old catch-all, school. In secondary school, I seen my peers in the toilets trying to straighten their hair with the hand dryers, decide what kind of earring went with the school tie. The popular girls, no matter what their natural hair colour, would have white blonde highlights in their hair, worn like a badge of honour. Perfectly cut in the space just beyond their shoulder blades.When Britney's "Baby One More Time" video came out - those girls wore the knee high socks, tiny skirts, knotted up oversized cardigans, yada yada. I remember looking at then with a feeling not unlike envy, and thinking, "why can't I look like that?".

And what did I look like during those years? From 12-14, my look was tied back hair (barely combed), black trousers, whatever colour trainers I found a pair of first, a school blouse and my loosely put together tie. No make up. Yup, I was a total tomboy. When I wasn't in school I was out on my bike, hanging with friends, mostly boys - not indoors trying to tame my hair or bleach it to within an inch of its life. I wasn't considering how what I wore attracted the boys, I was too busy giving them Chinese Burns!

Forth Year - two months after I turned 15. During that summer, I started changing - just a bit. I realised I liked to take time making myself feel good, if not pretty. For me, it took some effort. I just wasn't naturally pretty, and I realised that information didn't bother me one iota. I re-entered school that year with a foot firmly in each camp - a well dressed tomboy. Just because I didn't wear make up at school didn't mean I didn't experiment with my mum's make up. I had done since I was little, and it was time to put what I learned into practice. On that day, I showed up, wearing classic black court shoes, a pale coloured pair of tights, a black pencil skirt and a fitted cardigan over a blouse with a properly knotted up tie. My make up consisted of clear brow gel and lashes of non-clumpy black mascara, and a small flick of eye liner. Some of my mum's light rose coloured lipstick completed the look. My hair was brushed back, not straightened, in a half up, half down style.

Why do I remember this so vividly, 10 years on? I remember because of the looks I got. Even the teachers had difficultly realising who I was. My friends loved it, and the popular girls felt threatened. I was already friends with the boys they liked, and now I looked, to them, "passable". I won't go into the things they said, what interests me now is why they said what they did. I still don't, to this day, understand it.

Remember, I still didn't consider myself "pretty". Not like them. For all the time they must have spent to look the way they did, to me, it still seemed they had the one thing I didn't - they were pretty anyway. Take away my new look and I'd be that tomboy again, but they'd still look lovely. My male friends still farted in front of me, none of them hadn't come to the startling realisation that they really liked me. More to the point, neither did I. They were still just my friends.

Since then, I've struggled with the thought that my looking after myself means something more than it is. I like doing it, and spending some time in the morning making sure I'll go through the day feeling good about myself is the reason I do it. There's no ulterior motive. I might not feel pretty, but I'll be damned if that doesn't mean I don't appreciate myself. I've discovered something I might not have had I felt pretty enough to not need to bother.

I've went through the tomboy stage, the classic goth stage, the neon bright industrial, the vintage, the Bollywood. So much joy found in the different, the strange, the comfort of experimenting. I've not been lazy in discovering new things, and I love each and every thing. I'm no jeans and t-shirt girl. I can't wear something I know is popular, because I hate the idea of looking like just another person. In my quest, I've found talents in myself, creativity, a different perspective. I've found others like me, to bounce ideas off of. I love that even though I love vintage most of all, I can take different aspects of other styles and make it work. I can't imagine not living this life.

And all because I don't consider myself pretty.

Not such a hardship after all, is it?

Homelessness

2010-02-05T13:32:00.003Z

Yesterday I had a visit from NewArt, a company putting together a DVD for my Housing Association. Basically, they wanted me to talk about how I became homeless, and what led me to apply for the Partick Association. Of course, I wanted to talk about it, because recently, I've discovered I actually want to spread the word. Being in the position of having to declare yourself homeless isn't shameful, and it can lead to the most wonderful things, made all the more wonderful because you can't quite believe your luck will turn when life has beaten you down so low.

J.R.R. Tolkien called it the eucatastrophe. The sudden change of what seems utterly hopeless to joy, and hope. Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse.... they don't.

I suppose most of you know the circumstances of my homelessness. In short, eviction, hostel, private let, stayed with a friend, stayed with another friend, stayed with Gof, hostel again, then finally, blessedly, to a flat with my name on the lease. Some friendships were burned so bad, all that's left is ashes and regret. Some were made, and sealed with love and hope. Mostly though, looking back, it was a real discovery for who I am, and what I can do. I found reserves of strength, eventually, that I didn't believe I had in me. I accepted help, from anyone willing to offer, from family, friends, organisations - and knew it wasn't an admission of defeat. I took time, proper time, and found an iron will. I found that even though I sometimes succumbed to despair, I knew, deep inside, that I will not let this beat me.

And it hasn't. I've still a way to go, no doubt for that - but I'm more hopeful than ever. I'm paying my bills, looking for a job, writing, creating a home, and looking after myself again. Of course, we all know by know, I'm even doing one thing I never thought I would - by marrying the man who stuck by me through all this. I'm still scared, sure, but it's a good fear, the fear that the future I wish for is within my grasp, but I need to work at it to reach it. Not just for me, but for Gof too. For my family. My friends. Everyone who has had a part in the twists and turns so far, and those yet to join me. The fear is knowing I am able to succeed. I would let myself down if I settled for second best.

That's my story. So far. I'll continue to tell it, but right now, my thoughts are on homelessness in general. How much, do we, as the general public (how I hate that phrase!), surmise about homeless people, and how much do we stereotype? It's the runaways, the junkies, alkies, whores of the world who are homeless.

Maybe the majority are. But where did those people, (and they ARE people) come from? What did they run from? Why are they swallowing, injecting, snorting the memories away? One wrong choice and that might have been you. One moment in the wrong place at the wrong time. That's all it takes. The stories I heard when I was living in these hostels... I related to these women. I seen how it happened. For everyone I spoke to, they all said the same thing - "Don't end up like me. Don't give up in yourself". These women settled for last place, living in a hostel for good, since it was the only security they'd had in years. I'm sitting here typing this with tears streaming. These people should be commended for simply surviving over the odds, not condemned for something most of them had very little say over. This was something that was done to them, for which they lacked the skills to cope.

Even so, more and more people are becoming homeless as a direct result of this so-called credit crunch. Families who bought their home suddenly finding themselves on the street because the bank foreclosed on their mortgage. People who lost their jobs because the company they worked for went tits up. Armed with very little information, there is a scant amount of support for those who have no real understanding of a system that can be scary to navigate alone.

There's very little actual statistics on homelessness in Glasgow. I know, I've looked. Between homeless charities like Shelter and Crisis publishing fairly general reports like this one and Government trying to "spin" the situation, apparently homelessness has went down according to some reports like this one that states;

"Homelessness presentations by single applicants down by 38% over the years 2002/03 to 2007/08"
Strategic evaluation of the Glasgow Homelessness Partnership by Blake Stevenson.

But then, we have graphs like this one from the Scottish Government website completely contradicting that!

What to believe? I know I'm not the only casualty of the credit crunch who has ended up homeless. I know I'm not the only person the DWP has let down. So where are the real stories? Where are the success stories? The hopeless cases? Why is no-one asking these questions?

And so, it happens...

2010-01-31T21:31:00.000Z

Gof and I have been together for just over two years now. We have never had a serious argument, never gone to bed angry, never lied or hid something from each other. It hasn't always been easy - in fact, it has NEVER been easy, our blossoming relationship was hit by my eviction from Tarfside Oval, and continued on through hostels I had to stay in, a private flat I couldn't afford (to get OUT of said hostels), staying with friends (and the hassles that produced), back into a hostel, until now, I'm becoming more settled in an amazing flat I still can't quite believe is mine.

I've tried so many times to break it off. Not because I don't love him - but because I do. Life with me, and for me, hasn't been easy for such a long time, and I hated putting him through that. Never knowing where I was sleeping that night, or worse, knowing I had to go back to a hostel (as much as the last one was great, and I appreciate everything they did for me there... it's still a hostel), never having enough money to eat, travel, live - well, mood swing Central! Poor Gof couldn't ever predict whether I would be full of the joys of spring, hopeful and positive things would get better, or so depressed that nothing was ever going to go right ever, so I may as well give up. I hated doing that to him. I hated myself.

But he never gave up on me. On us. Never walked away, although lord knows I gave him plenty of ammunition, plenty of reasons to run from the monster I was being. I wouldn't have blamed him. I always thought he deserved better. Still do, really. Now I know he does, simply because he refused to leave me. He has such strength, and so much love and compassion, and I am absolutely certain he deserves better.

So I will be better. I am, already getting there. Instead of telling myself to break it off because he deserves better, I am telling myself to become that person he should have. Already the decision has impacted our lives. He sees how happy and settled I feel. Despite all the issues in our lives, our relationship on it's own has never left the honeymoon state, and now, that feeling has deepened into something more. It's nothing I can explain, but we both feel it. It's settled, full of joy, lusty, wow moments, giggles, serious conversations, and comfort. It's more than that. It's absolutely life-changing.

Since the 24th of November, 2009, I have been in a flat I can afford, a beautifully appointed, clean, blank canvas of a house I am slowly, but carefully making a home. But not just any home. I am making a home for us. Gof doesn't live with me as of yet, but I already want, not.. need, to make this a home we'll both know is ours. After all, it's only a matter of time, and as much as I can't wait for the day his post arrives at mine, we are being very careful - we've both lived with people before, and I know there is mistakes I made I don't want to repeat, so I guess he does too.

We've already laid out each of our bottom lines. I want a home with antique furniture, he wants somewhere to hang his band posters. I want the hall to look like a mini gallery, full of my friend's artwork, he wants a display case to show off his collector's items. We both want each of our wages to remain our own, but split the household bills 50/50 in a joint account. There's more, of course, but basically, we are happy with the choices we've made for our co-habitation!

I've never seen the point of getting married. The marriages I grew up seeing? Well, they left a lot to be desired, and a bitter taste in my mouth. People either despairing of or despising each other, but forced to grow old together because divorce just "wasn't the done thing". Staying together for the kids, when those kids grew up thinking a relationship was supposed to be like that, falling into loveless, abusive relationships themselves and calling it love. Or if there was a divorce, the pain and hate of the failure, seeping into the core of a person until all that's left is bitching about who should pay for what and fighting over the kids/dogs/DVD's. And weddings? No thanks! Spending yourselves into debt you'll be paying off the rest of your natural, to make sure you have the perfect dress, venue, buffet, band, reception yada yada yada..... all that money, and the arguments about flower arrangements, food, bridesmaids (do we really need 12?) - the "happy" couple forget about love and start thinking about wedding presents, a honeymoon in Hawaii, and whether a dress to be worn for a few hours on one day should cost hundreds or thousands.

Screw that. I'm never doing that!

That's what I've said for years. I didn't get it, didn't want to, didn't need to. I am happy knowing he loves me and I love him. It's true.

But now.. something's changed. I realise now that I don't care about a big cookie cutter wedding, bridesmaids and all that hoopla. What I care about, is saying, in front of people we both care about, that I love him with all my heart and I don't see that changing. I want to grow old, his hand in mine, and find out what life has in store for us. I want to celebrate that we, together, got through this bad time, and together, we can do anything.

So yeah, I am doing that, after all.

We're getting married.

We're going to stand together, husband and wife, and walk through life in matching strides, and be always what we mean to each now.

I fell hard for this man. Hook, line and sinker. And the most amazing part? He fell the same for me.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Looking forward to it!

2010-01-29T10:11:00.001Z

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired

And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

And run my stick along the public railings

And make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

And pick flowers in other people's gardens

And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

And eat three pounds of sausages at a go

Or only bread and pickle for a week

And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

And pay our rent and not swear in the street

And set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Jenny Joseph

***Normal service will resume soon!***

Well well...

2010-01-16T02:13:00.000Z

Food poisoning has had me housebound for the past week. A particularly bad dose, my doctor said, but the silver lining is I've lost 5lbs without trying, so I'm using that to kickstart my weight loss in the New Year. My stomach has shrunk from the not not eating much, and I have no intention of expanding it out again!

But on to nicer things. I'm officially back looking for work. I signed myself back to Jobseeker's Allowance, and I'm grabbing as much help as I can from whoever is offering it - from agencies to charities, I'll look for work knowing I have plenty of support.

I know I can go back to work, I crave the dual challenge and routine having a job will give me, and I'm emotionally in a better place than I have been in years. I'm just worried, I suppose, about two things. Firstly, that I'll run before I walk and rush into something I can't handled after being out of work so long, and secondly, explaining to any potential employers why I've been out of work for so long. It won't be an easy discussion.

You know the weirdest thing? When I was calling the different departments about switching over to Jobseeker's, they were all so, so shocked when they learned this wasn't something I was forced to do, rather, I chose to make the switch and start looking for a job. When they discovered I had went to my doctor of my own volition, and discussed the possibility of returning to work, rather than being told I had to - well, let's say the calls got a lot more cordial. Mostly, they thought they would be dealing with someone who was being forced, kicking and screaming, but to earning a (an?) honest crust.

But that's all I want to do. Work my day, go home, and look around my little piece of mine, and know I've bought each piece with money I've earned. To look in my bank account and know that the money there is money I worked for, every penny, not cash put there for me to survive on until two weeks time.

Anyone know of anything going? I'm not being picky!

PS. the announcement I alluded to in an earlier post? It is coming, I promise! Unforeseen delays mean I can't say now, but all will be explained in due course!

The Not The Resolutions List for 2010

2010-01-04T23:06:00.002Z

I want to discover new bands, new music. Online, gigs, anywhere!

I want to remind everyone they are absolutely beautiful, just the way they are.

I want to go to bed knowing I've done the dishes.

I want to make sure Gof knows at all times he is loved very very much.

I want to indulge in my girlie side without feeling like I look like I want to be a little girl.

I want to write more often.

I want to decide.

I want to take my make up off every night.

I want to stick to a food plan, not a diet.

I want to see my flat grow into my home.

I want to stick at a job.

I want to find joy in what I do.

I want to see my family more often.

I want to create beautiful things.

I want to go to more burlesque shows.

I want my savings to be savings, not emergency money.

I want to let go of the hurt.

I want to wear something each day that has no purpose other than being lovely.

I want to take more pictures.

I want to reach for the stars....

A(nother) small update.

2010-01-03T18:58:00.000Z

I'm a bit broken right now. I'm literally battered and bruised. Some people just shouldn't drink. No, scratch that - some people shouldn't drink and then bust into someone's home to cause trouble. Especially when that someone is your estranged sister and she has a home filled with people who love her. Especially a few small hours after the New Year bells have rung. Yes, a grown woman beat me because I wouldn't allow her to go near my dear friend. That lovely lady is suffering physical and mental pains, which this grown woman, full of jealously, bitter hate and alcohol, knew all about. And yet, still wanted to attack her own sister in a completely unprovoked rage.

I could repeat what happened over and over again and still it doesn't make sense. Every family has their issues, this I know (and don't we all!), but the vile blackness spewing from that, that thing's mouth... it's worse than the attack on me. Her other sister, a woman I've met before and disliked on sight because of her petty behaviour has joined in, and took the side of that drunken maniac. My friend, my amazingly generous friend, now needs to go through life knowing her own sisters hate her that much - and for no real reason. Jealously is a powerful, destructive thing.

Since then, things have only got worse. There have been death threats, and threats towards any (as yet unborn) children my friend may have, both of them threatening her with this since she dared go to the police.

The police are involved, and there has been a charge of assault for what that woman done to me. Statements taken, and pictures of my injuries have been done today. I hope, for my friend, for her husband too, that her darling sister is punished to the full extent of the law. I hope that her other sister is similarly charged for the threats.

...and to think, these women have sons. How ashamed must they be? Those poor boys.

I've been busy! honest!!

2009-12-21T12:10:00.000Z

Ok, so with my promise to myself that I wouldn't run before I walk, I haven't installed internet access in the new flat yet. And I won't, until I see what the bills will amount to, so I know I can afford it on my still limited income. So even though I wanted to update more often, most of my time is spent at the flat, and it's coming along quite nicely!

I've got kitchen and bathroom flooring down (with loads of help from G!), got a washing machine, and various other kitchen stuff, including a table and chairs. I love sitting at the table, cup of herbal tea, putting on my make up and watching whatever DVD takes my fancy of a morning! It's lovely, and quite possibly my favourite room of the flat right now. In the living room, I have bought a couch and a lovely chair, which, of course I took a picture of!

I love it! Into the bedroom, I have my bed, dressing table, and two chests of drawers. I've a long way to go, but it already feels like home, *my* home.

In other news, I'm travelling on Wednesday to spend my Christmas with my mama, two sisters and nephew and niece. To say I'm excited would really be the understatement of the century! I'm doing my "Scottish" shop tomorrow, and will be laden with plain bread, shortbread, potato scones, square sausage, Irn Bru (watch the vid below!), and other various Scottish yummies that you either can't get in Wales, or you only get poor imitations! (Sorry Welsh potato cake!)

When I get back (29th), I'll be spending my New Years with my friends, then 2010 will start with a little surprise... as well as continuing to turn my house into my home... I've made a momentous decision. All will be revealed at the other side of Big Ben!

Til then, have a beautiful Christmas and a New Years you'd rather forget!

xxx

plan of attack!

2009-11-29T15:17:00.001Z

Right now, I'm in bed fully clothed, eating (drinking?) Chicken broth and willing this cold away! G and his friends are downstairs having their weekly geekery session, so I'm typing this out on my blackberry, hoping it works! It'd be easy to slip into a poor pity me routine, this is the first time I've been sick in ages, and it just had to be the week I'm moving, but really, I've no time for pity parties. So far, I've got my little nic naks I carried with me from place to place, and along with my friends generous help, I have a bunch of borrowed things. A TV (courtesy of G), a fantastic double sized air bed (thank you Sandy and Nathan!), a kettle (cheers dad!), and, most importantly, and not borrowed(!), a bottle of champagne! (You know how to prioritise Chris and Maggie!) I've bought a microwave too, so I can have simple meals and the like while I'm there, but mostly, I will be at G's for proper meals.

This week, the big stuff happens. I'll be moving my bedroom furniture out of the attic flat, where it has been stored all this time due to the kindness of Blitzer, Sharron and Niamh. Also, a workmate of G's has very kindly donated a bed base and a portable TV, which will probably live in my kitchen. I get paid on Tuesday too, so I'll hopefully be able to get a table and chairs for the kitchen, and maybe a few more things, like dishes and mugs. I've had the fantastic Tracey from GAM H fill in my CCG form, so if I manage to get money from that, I'll be able to get my cooker, fridgefreezer and washing machine, and a sofa for the living room. That probably won't happen til after New Years, but its in, so fingers crossed!

Ok, typing this out on the BB is starting to hurt my eyes, so I'll stop for now.

More pics and videos coming up!!

S.O.P.H.I.E

2009-11-27T12:03:00.001Z

Nothing will make this terrible crime right, but we can pull together and work towards it never happening again. My heart goes out to Sophie's family and friends, and I have huge respect for the work they are channeling their grief into. Let's do more than hope this never happens again. Wear a wristband, buy a eyeliner or simply donate. Anything and everything helps. Feel free on this post alone, to lift and repost.

Get the word out.

Stamp Out Prejudice, Hatred and Intolerance Everywhere.

That was quick!!

2009-11-26T20:37:00.001Z

Lookie lookie what I got!

It's over, the waiting and constant moving is over. I can settle, cosy in and make this beautiful place mine. Lets go back a week ago. Wednesday, I was out of the hostel on other, (personal to someone else so won't go into!) business all day. That night, I was handed a bundle of messages from various Housing Associations, and of those two offering me a house! The next morning, I rang each back for more information, and either couldn't speak to the person who called or had to leave a voicemail. These people were obviously not waiting by the phone for my fabulous self to call! :P

Finally, I heard back from PHA, a Housing Association apparently so difficult to get into that the Hostel staff were shocked they called! What's more, they wanted to visit me on that day! Fast foward to 2.30pm, and I welcomed two lovely ladies into my little flat, where we discussed my current situaition, the circumstances leading up to it, and where I hope to go from there. Paperwork completed, they asked to see my little abode. Gladly, I obiliged them, and ohhing and ahhing, they complimented me on the way I'd fixed up the place. Settling back down, they dropped the bombshell.

"We're giving you a flat."

I couldn't believe it. They gave me the information, specs about the flat, but I was barely listening. "It's over", I kept thinking. "It's really happening, no more moving!". I heard the phrase "You've pretty much won the lottery", but really, they didn't tell me it was the Euro Millions!

Think I'm kidding? Watch the video and get back to me.

See what I mean? Let's skip past the fact I look HORRENDOUS (been really ill actually :S) and get to screaming with GLEE and doing the happy dance!!

I've really lucked out on this. Forget the pity parties and the fact I've been on the move for about 18 months... I still don't think I deserved something as fantastic as this! But it's mine, and I'm not giving back!

I moved out of the hostel on Tuesday (more on that later) and I spent my first night there last night. It's all still a dream.

I've made another video, but forgot the camera (silly me) so will upload it tomorrow. Right now I still don't have a lot of furniture and so I'm spending most nights at Gof's, but I'm there during the day, and it's getting there. That's all that matters.

I'm getting there.

Oh, and I was wrong. It isn't all over. It's just beginning.

In a country far far away....

2009-11-16T18:10:00.005Z

Miz found herself in a place with very little internet access. Sometimes, she was able to return to her dear Love's house, but the computer in the corner was no match for his arms, and she spent the little time she had curled up in them instead of writing her blog. It was always too soon before she had to return to place she needed to live. Time was short, and Love won out each and every time.

But during this break from the blog, a number of new, exciting and plain strange things happened. Everytime, she thought, I should blog about this, but when the opportunity arose... so did his arms. She let chance and chance slip, and before she knew it, a month had gone by. How do update such a load of new information? She'd updated as much in little snippets as she could, but she could no longer hold off - so she sat, and began to type...

I hate not writing. More speficially, I hate not typing! I've tried to actually, you know, write during my time away, but in all honesty, I give up, and half baked ideas for articles and the like end up lying in a folder I know I should look at, but never do. But then, in this time, the evenings I usually sit at the computer and while away the hours, I have actually started a new, quite lovely, routine.

I pin curl my hair, make a cup of tea, and cosy in on the sofa and knit. Yes, knit. I'm trying to learn. It's nice. a lovely change.

But, I should rewind. I'm still at the hostel. But I've been moved into the one and only full flat within the project. Before, I had a delightful Pepto-Bismol pink room with an en-suite, and I loved it enough to make it look like mine. I was complimented several times on how lovely I had my room, but when the opportunity arose to move downstairs into the selfcontained flat (bedroom, living room with kitchen, shower room/WC), I jumped at it. It's nice to have that space thats all mine. Meanwhile, paperwork has never moved so fast! My DLA is sorted, I'm on the Housing Lists of several areas near both Love and my dad, and Homechoice have also accepted me. So I'm on the right track. I'm also still involved with GAMH and have recently signed up to the Condtion Management Program, so that when I'm settled into my own place, I'll have the help I need to get back into work. Other than that, I'm still waiting on an appointment from Riverside, but I realise, that especially at this time of year, that their waiting lists are *that* bit longer. I don't mind so much, the waiting. I'd rather know I was in the queue, than doing nothing at all.

I have have an almost routine too. A routine I want to stick to, for the length of time I'm there. I wake up around 9am, and have a cup of coffee, and spread up everything I haven't done the night before. I then have a Wii Fit workout, have breakfast, shower, then leave for the day. Visiting friends, doing "official" stuff, whatever, even just walking around town, although thats getting more difficult with the Christmas build up. I then go back up the road, make dinner, and either pull out my knitting or scrap book, one I'm making for my flat. I'll take pictures, and show you another time. With either the tv or a DVD on, I'll chill out, occasionally checking my NEW BLACKBERRY (yes I'm pleased :D) for messages or facebook updates, depending on the signal, dotted with painting my nails, doing my hair, etc. Generally, taking it easy, but keeping my mind on the main goal. Complete self sufficiency!

I'm almost there....

Such a shame...

2009-10-11T04:05:00.001+01:00

Stephen Gately. Member of Boyzone.

That's all we woulda known - unless his brave soul would have came out. Literally.

His need to tell the the world he was gay was one more voice speaking out against the norm. Yes - gay. Bad word. How dare he? And yet, dare, he did. It's not so shocking. Neither should have it been for a group of five men, that one of them would have been particial to a bit of the "other". He is, was, gay. No excuses. No apology. Just a simple statement of fact.

I'm deliberately writing this now, before sordid details of private life are exposed before the baying for blood. Private is just that. I don't care. Stephen's honesty opened me to be honest with with my closest friends - that my my mum was, and is indeed, gay.

Yes, lil miz rock chick had an excuse to like a boy band. It was a point of reference to point to when she was telling her her friends her mama wasn't *quite* normal.

Yes, he was a point of reference when her male friend, who everyone assumed was *into* her, needed to tell a secret.

He was a normal man. In love. Living the way he wanted to. The way he felt right.

He was (god, it hurts saying *was*... should be IS!) a hero by being exactly as Stephen Gately is. A normal, Irish, brunette, funny, quite short, male. Oh yeah, and gay.

My warmest love and hopes go to those he loved.

In this small insistance, he helped more than he could ever know. It's a shame I wrote this before it was too late to say. I figure he'd be the sort of person who would read it.

A small update

2009-10-07T13:08:00.000+01:00

I've moved into a Woman's Project. It should be depressing, other women staying there have worse problems than I do, it's far away from my Love, and there's no internet access. But, it's not so bad. I have a Pepto Bismol pink room! It's all high ceilings and huge windows, and my bathroom is really big for an ensuite, big enough to house all my toiletries and such. I've got my little bits and bobs displayed, some glass bottles, gemstomes, pictures, and, of course, tea cups! So it's a little bit like home.

It's a step. In this Project, I have the support of qualified staff, people who want to help me move on and have the resourses to do so. I've been treated so kindly, and I still have the support of GAMH too, so I'm feeling hopeful. I'm forcing myself into a routine (a routine I'm shamelessly flouting for the sake of updating!), I've bought a few craft pieces to work on while I'm in my room, I'm continuing to practise knitting - generally, I suppose, keeping busy.

I'll admit, I jumped off the wagon. I ate a slice of pizza. And was immediately ill. Why do I do it? It's like I consiously do it to harm myself when I'm feeling down. A kind of cutting that that doesn't show scars. So, I'm back at day no. 2 without wheat. I'll get back up to a month again, then two, then a year, yada yada. I will.

Ok, so, I'll try to update at least once a week, but for now, I bid you adieu.

Good luck to me, and you!

He brought me flowers...

2009-09-30T19:03:00.000+01:00

...beautiful red flowers...

...for no particular reason...

... just because.

Halloween Hell!

2009-09-29T18:41:00.000+01:00

Halloween is the same date every year. I’ve known this for all of my 25 years, but it always sort of creeps up on me (if you’ll excuse the pun). I try to prepare something, costume, occasion, make up, hair; everything should be done and perfectly arranged. It never ends up that way. But this year! I’ll manage it! Honest! I’ve attempted to think about what I’ll be this year. My fail safe is always Magenta from Rocky Horror Picture Show (it’s the hair!) but this year I’ll attempt something different.

I’ve went through several ideas, most boring and uninteresting. Poison Ivy was a strong contender for a while, but really, my idea for that costume would require a body I don’t have the time or inclination to diet for. I wanted something I could make at least most of the costume for, I’m tired of seeing the same old costumes bought from the same websites and shops. So I needed time. I need time to create an outfit I’d be proud to say I’d made. I needed to decide what I was making, draw it out, plan relevant accessories, decide on make up and hair. Whew! I’ve not even decided on where I’m going yet!

So, a plan. I sat down this morning in front of the computer and refused to move until I decided what I was going to do. Something fun, a bit sexy, easy enough to make but something I can embellish further should I have the time. Something that’ll look appropriate, no matter where I’ll end up on the night itself. I racked my brain. My hair will be a bright shade of red by then. I’ll have limited but regular access to a sewing machine. I have very little money. I don’t want a short outfit. I want it to be easily understandable. Yeesh. Tough crowd, me! Ok, coffee time. Maybe a little music. I tabbed youtube, and hit the first favourite video. Emilie Autumn.

Oh. Oh oh! That little red heart at the side of her face! An idea started formulating. Most of my friends are looking forward to seeing Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland. The stills and posters look great, but his vision for the Queen of Hearts isn’t exactly one I could easily create. I’m just not that good! For one, I’m not sure I could enlarge my head… ok, I’m kidding, but really, I love this idea of being the Queen. I knew immediately I don’t want to emulate the Disney version either. I could give it a Miz twist! Thank you Emilie!

After deciding I could do this, my first port of call is, of course, hair and make up. Victory rolls, with the rest of my hair in loose ringlets, and a black crushed cushioned velvet pinned in between the rolls. A thin alice band, covered in small white and black felt hearts, a swarovski crystal in the centre of each black heart. Make up wise, a whitened face, a light smoky eye with a reddish tone and high blushed cheeks. A love heart lip, of course, outlined in thin black and glittered within.

Costume, I haven’t got so far with yet. I know I want a black heart corsage to match my hairpiece, and a simple thin ribbon choker, tied in a pretty bow. I need more white and red, but I don’t want to look like a demented candy striper! Or worse, Mrs Claus! Hmm. Definitely a skirt, a-line, just below the knee. Top-wise, no idea. I’m lost.

Anyone have any ideas?

I'll be going to fabric and craft store on Friday, so I need a definite idea by then!

*Think Nicola think!*

Ah well!

2009-09-29T10:39:00.000+01:00

So I haven't received my income support today. And it's actually my fault! I was abit silly, and didn't think to keep note of when my sick line ran out, so I need to get a new one on Thursday. Until then, I've got £20 to live off. Crap, but not the end of the world. I *was* supposed to go for lunch with my friend, but I'll have to either cancel or suggest a cheaper approach. As in, water!

But, it's not getting me down. I went to bed early last night, and I actually slept through the night! This hasn't happened in... oh, I don't know - ages! I woke up with Gof (and yes, I stayed up all Sunday night, and made him his tea and toast for Monday morning!), and even though it would have been easy for me to just roll over and go back to sleep, I got up, made breakfast and dealt with the DWP/doctors already! I'm just sipping on some water, then cycling to Anniesland to go to the Jobcentre for 11.

I'm supposed to meet Sandy in town for 2, but I'll see if she wants to meet on Thursday instead, as I'll *hopefully* have money by then. We're going to start knitting together, so I need supplies! Also, I want to drag her to the bead company as well, I've got a few pieces to make for birthdays and the run up to Christmas, but it's no fun when there's no pennies to spend!

This morning has happened before, when I've arrange to do something fun and creative, meet a friend, and I've ended up unable to through lack of funds. Dealing with several faceless people who really couldn't care less always gets me down, but today, I've not let it bother me. I'll repeat that.

I've not let it bother me.

I've not figured, fuck it, I don't care, nothing ever works, I'm going back to bed, I'm hiding away. I've dealt with it, texted Sandy, rearranged, and generally getting on with it.

No drama.

No pity poor me.

I believe it's another step in the right direction. I'm treating it as the general small annoyance it is, and not some big bad upset destroying my life. A small step, but a decisive one, I think.

Exuse me while I go feel ridiculously pleased with myself!

Contemplating Sunday, after dark

2009-09-28T03:32:00.000+01:00

Another night, and I've had to get back out of bed. I don't want to wake Gof, he's up early, and I know I will keep him awake if I'm lying there tossing and turning all night. So, wearing the comfy robe I bought him last Christmas, eating a slice of wheat free toast and listening to Nat King Cole, I sit here at 2.50am. This is not the first time I have done this, nor will it be the last. I'd rather sit here, toes slightly cold, than risk not allowing him to fall into the deep sleep he needs to function in the morning. I sit here, knowing that when his alarm goes off, he will hit the snooze button while I creep back downstairs and put the kettle on and make some toast. By the time he's more awake, I will have tea and toast ready for him. I will savour the little time we have, before he cycles to work, and I try to get some writing done, or, more likely, try to go back to sleep.

Even when I know he's not laying beside me, I still feel his presense. I know he'd rather be snuggled up with me, arms around each other, our feet wrapped up together. I lie there and feel loved, knowing he's already thinking about what he can text me about. Sometimes a joke, sometimes asking what we should do for dinner, and sometimes, just simply, an I love you.

I think too much. I think he'd be better off without me. Sometimes, I try to imagine how his life would be without me in it. As if we'd never met. I can't help but think. But I'm aware it doesn't matter. I am in his life, and he in mine. We are together, seperate and equal beings who chose to live our life alongside and with one another. Not absolutely entwined, but close enough, that to the untrained eye, we appear as one. But nothing could be further from the truth.

We are so different. But in knowing him, I have moved from the extreme, towards the centre. I will never be completely balanced (where's the fun in that?!) but I have grown under his care, and without really noticing until the changes set in. He doesn't try to, doesn't consciously mould me into anything I'm not, and I see how I have changed without becoming someone unrecognisable. I'm still crazy, but have much less panic attacks. I still over-analyse, but I trust my instincts more. I'm still selfish, but I think about other people's needs as just as important as my own. I've put on weight, but I still like myself. Infact, there are times I feel downright beautiful. Not sexy, or cute, but beautiful. I've never felt that before.

He looks at me and I'm the only person in the world. There are times I just stop, and think, wow. I'm here. I'm standing in the kitchen, drying dishes with this man, and talking about nothing in particular, and he loves me. My heart beats so hard and I have to kiss him, have to tell him I love him. These wow moments happen so sporadically, but they've never stopped being so potent. Each one is a shock, a tingling in my bones when I feel I'm smiling so much my face will collapse.

Every love is different. I know I've loved before, and I will never regret those loves. But after 2 years, we still seem to be in a honeymoon that shows no sign of ever being over. Before, this would have scared me enough to do something stupid, but no. Not now, not with him. I'm holding on to this for as long as I can.

lazy days....

2009-09-26T23:45:00.000+01:00

I know Sunday is traditionally the day of rest, but today has been a lazy, next to nothing happening day. Tomorrow I'll have a checklist of things to do, but for now... ahhhh.

Lazing about.

After getting in at around 4am this morning, I didn't get up until after noon! I danced my ass around in the Classic last night, took pictures (that I can't upload because I can't find the USB cable!), and generally had a great time. I love when there's no drama.

Gof made me some lunch, egg and bacon (no bread!) and then I sauntered back upstairs to play Zelda, Twlight Princess for a few hours, during which Gof came up and gave my poor "mosher's" neck and rub with my favourite Lush massage bar.

Then I've came back downstairs, had half a bowl of Carrot & Spicy Lentil soup (I'll post the recipe soon!) and sat down to write this!

I love lazy days.

Now I'm off to have a long, hot shower, getting back into bed and writing some notes about Elivinessa. Her past has got really interesting!

G'night folks!

My heart is happy

2009-09-25T18:03:00.001+01:00

I'm listening to beautiful music, it's Friday, and I feel fantastic. There's really no particular reason for this, but I'm savouring the moment. For all I know, it could just be fleeting, and I might hit another low soon, but for now, I'm doing everything in my power to keep hold of this.

I'm dancing around the house, tidying while pretending to be a member of Fame! Yes, I'm high-kicking my way to a cleaner house.

I'm singing along to the ballad version of I Believe In You. Complete with wild arm gestures.

I'm excitedly awaiting the arrival of G, who is cycling his way back to me.

Now, let's listening to this! Name that movie!

I'm considering make up, hair, and outfit. I'm going out dancing tonight! I want to keep this good feeling going!

I'm still looking over my shoulder to the door, for my Love. I'm gonna give him the biggest hugs and most passionate kiss I can! He needs it!

I'm too hyper to continue... I'm going to go do... something!

Enjoy your Friday everyone!

Just thinkin'

2009-09-23T16:22:00.007+01:00

So, I'm a bit of a hot headed mess sometimes. Yes, I realise this is not news, but I've been thinking about it for a few days now. I tend to want to think things through, but mostly I fly off the handle and say whatever I'm feeling at the time. Sometimes this is absolutely the right thing to do, but more often, I end up wishing I'd waited. Recently, I've ended up with examples of both.

My lovely friend is going through a hellish hard time, and, after careful consideration (and berating herself already for putting herself first) she decided to break it off with her new(ish) boyfriend. He is a genuinely nice guy, I believe that, but he can be quite self-centred, and therefore selfish. I won't go into examples, this isn't about bitching about him, so you'll have to take my word for it.

He didn't take it too well.

Knowing why, and what she'd been going through, he still decided the best course of action would be to harass her constantly.

I didn't take that too well.

He was (emphasis on "was") a friend on myspace, and I posted a little something on my blog there. I also posted it fb, just in case he missed it, he'd see it there. I had permission from my friend to post it, after she read it too.

You fucking bastard.
How FUCKING dare you! Kick HER in the teeth when you know SHE'S down! But oh no, it's ALL ABOUT YOU. Pity poor you. Screaming little child, having a tantrum when you don't get your own way.

YOU fucked it up, pure and simple. You expected too much from a girl who was drowning and didn't want to tell. YOU are so wrapped up in yourself you can't even BEGIN to imagine how someone else might be feeling, even someone you claimed to love. Worse, I doubt you even cared. It was about how YOU felt about HER problems.

She wasn't your mother. She was tired of making fucking excuses everytime YOU made decisions that caused problems. Accidents happen, but your idiot mentality never will - you're too set in your "Oh poor me" ways. It's never your fault, is it? Blame someone else, blame booze, blame your mental state. You give people with problems a bad name. I'm a card carrying crazy person, but somehow I don't blame EVERY fucked up thing I do on that - take some fucking responsibility for your own actions you arsehole. It's called being held accountable, an important step into better mental health. But no, you'd prefer to always be the victim.

Fine - go be the victim, but I will warn you. If I EVER get a broken best friend because YOU have thrown a stupid tantrum because of the decisions she has made FOR HER - I will break your fucking neck. I have no time for someone who wallows in their own shit, and luckily I never have to see you again, but you drag her into it again, then I'll blame MY mental health for what I'll do to you. No court would convict.

Leave her alone.

Yeah, I was mad. Very much so. I tend to feel violent when people hurt my friends, and what he was doing was unforgivable. But I jumped into writing, as I do, before my logical mind could catch up. Reading it back now, I realise there's was only one possible outcome to that post. He never responded to me directly, oh, no - because that would have probably started a war I would win. He can't get to me the way he gets to her. And he did. He gave her such a hard time, and again, when she told me, my first reaction was to verbally bitch slap him into seeing that what he was doing was wrong, and this time, more directly, and maybe less verbally. But guilt hit before I got to the pc. If I had thought my actions through before, I would never have caused her to feel more pain. It was my fault. I should have known better.

Still, I couldn't let it go by without a comment, but this time, I wanted to maybe appeal to the nicer, more sensitive side of him. I knew it was there. I was explicitly clear *I* still thought he was an idiot, but this wasn't about what I thought about him. At least, I tried. I also had permission to post this one.

Homicide is such a strong word...
Are people really that thick? Seriously - when you read something directed at you, you'd maybe take in what it says. Instead, this idiot proves my point exactly by turning my utter rage-filled rant into another stick to beat my best friend with.

She's sinking, with no lifeboard to cling to. It's almost painful, hearing the break in her voice, the shame and guilt, for finally doing something for herself. Even now, she doubts herself. I hate that. She should be confident, sure, and happy. She deserves nothing less.

Love, to me, means putting your loved ones happiness before your own. I love Gof beyond any reason I ever thought possible, and yet, to make him happy, I would gladly break my own heart. I have thought several times that he would be better off without me, and tried to break up with him - but he won't let me, he hasn't given up. I've came to the conclusion he is happy with me, and I'm relived. I'm lucky. But if anything was ever to change - I'd still cut out my own heart before he felt pain.

Love, true and real love, is not selfish. It is never about you. It's about who you can be. I can't understand a concept that allows hurting, deliberately, someone you love just because you hurt. Even if they're the ones hurting you. You can't, because how could you look at yourself knowing you caused them to feel that pain? Is that what love turned you into?

I don't understand. And right now, my love for my friend is invoking another strong feeling within me. Anger. Even hate. I would destroy those who hurt her. I have destroyed before. Believe me.

She had to make a decision, based on her health, her wellbeing, her sanity, and she made probably one of the hardest decisions she's ever had to make - not because she wanted to, but because she had to. This was not a decision she made easily, and she is facing the fallout even without the childish behaviour from her idiot ex. The fact he's still acting like a petulant child and bothering her only serves to prove the point the decision she made was the right one.

She has enough drama in her life. Don't add fuel to fire, because when she burns out, there will be nothing left. And if there's nothing left, I'll have no other choice. Understand, I mean this. She means too much to me to let you get anyway with that.

Okay, okay, so, it wasn't as nice or as civil as it could have been. I tried my best, given the circumstances. But now, whether he took me at my word or not, he's behaving like a nicer human being again. I doubt it's down to my not-so-subtle threats, or even my pleas to let her go, and I'll never know because I haven't and probably will not hear from him ever again. My main concern is my friend. Right now, she's coping better. That is in no small thanks, due to the fact he's stopped acting like a fool. That she's happier is all I care about.

This adventure has taught me something I needed to know. I have to stop jumping in before I know how deep the water is. As I said, I really did like the guy before all this, and I should have remembered that when I was so mad. I need to take this opportunity to grow from this too. In alot of respects, I was no better than he was. Behaving like a petulant child. I have to make getting myself better a priority too.

I'm not sorry I said what I did. But maybe, next time I feel the need to run and protect my friends, I should think before I act.

Yup, I'm still up...

2009-09-22T02:28:00.003+01:00

... and taking silly quizzes. but I rather like this one...

The LONG Scientific Personality Test - my result.

You are more introverted than extroverted. You are more intuitive than observant, you are more feeling based than thinking based, and you prefer to go with the flow rather than having a plan. Your type can best be summarized by the word "Healer", which belongs to the larger group of idealists. You have a capacity for caring that is deeper than most. You strive for unity, are fascinated by the battles between good and evil, and can be something of an idealist. Only 1% of the population shares your type.
As a romantic partner, you are usually supportive and nurturing, however, you have a high need for individuality. Harmony is extremely important to you as you are very affected by conflict and tension, which also makes you resist confronting your partner directly about problems. When you get angry, you usually blame yourself, rather than your partner. You can also be stubborn and unyielding when you feel you are being criticized or mistreated. You feel the most appreciated when your partner listens to you carefully. You need to be understood. You need to hear your partner express their feelings, the more often, the better. Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: INFP

True, maybe? No? Yes?

Meep

I may be too high maintainance...

2009-09-22T01:12:00.002+01:00

As I'm currently furious with my boyfriend for being tired. Yup, the hard working half of the couple is too tired to service his girlfriend. How rude. How shocking. I know I'm being COMPLETELY and UTTERLY out of line here, but that doesn't help the fact I'm raging. I lay in bed fuming for about ten minutes after he admitted defeat, and quite dramatically flounced off to come downstairs and rant about it. Ah, the joys of the t'interweb. I need to calm down before I attempt to go back upstairs. Please note, mind, that I was tired and needed to sleep before getting so worked up, so now I'm wide awake and horny. Apart from the obvious reason that it's his fault, it's not really his fault. I'm just being a bitch.

Man, I hate when that happens. Can I say the main reason I came down here was so I know he'd get to sleep? It's true!

watch this space, I may turn into a nice girl yet!

Oh dear, drunk and/or high neds outside the house screaming at each other. "Ya fuckin hoor" and "Ur a pure prick" keep getting repeated inbetween high pitched screaming I can't interpret for the sane. Who said romance was dead?

Monday No Blues!

2009-09-21T14:19:00.005+01:00

Right missus, time to get serious again. I fell back into eating wheat and not exercising, bad me! I could blame a multitude of things, but really, that's excuses, not reasons. So it goes, I will be the exception that proves the rule - Monday plans CAN work!

And the plans are - no more wheat (again), I've not been too bad, but I can see myself getting worse if I don't nip it in the bud. Also, proper mornings. As in, don't sleep in to stupid o'clock because I've nothing else to do. FIND something to do! I actually like getting up in the morning with Gof, making us breakfast, coffee, whatever, and spending the morning with him before he goes to work. After that, at least 45 mins on the Wii Fit. I found a blog that a woman is keeping (here) and the tips she's given, I'm going to use myself. The routine I'll follow, for now, will be an adaptation of hers.

Warm up
10 minutes of Yoga
x2 Warrior pose - thighs + hips
x2 Half moon – waist
x2 Sun salutation pose – arms, thighs, lower back

Main workout
10 minutes of Rhythm Boxing
3 minutes of Super Hula Hoop
15 minutes of Free Step

Warm down
10 minutes of Strength Training + Yoga
Jack knife (15-30 reps) – abs
x2 Bridge pose – back, waist, hips, glutes, legs
x2 Spinal twist – lower back + hips

Of course, that'll be after the daily body test too. I know the Wii Fit age isn't scientifically correct, but it's a good way for me to focus my attention, and I was getting better before I stopped doing it. I'll also be measuring my vitals (arms, waist, hips etc.) every fortnight, and if I'm brave, I may even post them!

I'm cycling about a lot more too, and I'm already feeling the change in my legs. Which is good, I liked my legs when I was skinny! Stopped drinking fizzy juice too, and I've decided after the amount of alcohol I've drunk over the past week, I'm going dry for a month, give myself a break. Only water, milk and coffee for me! oh, ok, herbal tea too, I'll treat myself :P

All in all, I think I've had a strong start - long may it continue!

PS - I've lost 3lbs this past week - win!

RIP Scott Aiton

2009-09-17T11:58:00.006+01:00

It was just like old times. But something was wrong. We were all in the room, but someone wasn't really there. Hugs from strangers, hugs from someone you were never quite sure actually liked you. Tears, too many tears. People you didn't know recognising you, and asking how you were. Memories, so many memories. Laughing at our childhood selves. Awkward silences. Lapsing into memories you can't share, you want to keep for you. Promises made to never let ourselves fall but out of touch again. Don't let something like this bring us back together.

We said goodbye to Scott yesterday. For so long, he fought a losing battle, and now he could rest, safe in the knowledge that so many people cared about him. When he died, on Friday, his community sprang into action, raising just under £1000 in his memory. In any case, this is wonderful, but then take into consideration that this is one of the poorest areas of Glasgow, and your heart warms even more at the sense of community. There was a service at his parents house before the crematorium, and even in a big flat, the peole there spilled out into the street. He was so loved. I gripped the hand of a girl I used to know, and we shook with grief. It wasn't fair. It still isn't. But it was the raw, painful screaming from his mother that set us off. This amazing woman, whom we all loved as children, completely broken. My hands are shaking even now at the memory. No mother should ever have to bury their child. She was so upset she couldn't stand up. Her sons, her lovely, strong devastated boys, carried their mother out into the waiting car before squaring their shoulders and going back to carry their brother out. If I live to be 104, I'll never forget the strength of these brothers, and the anguished pride I felt in having known them.

At the wake, Scott's mother invited all his friends back to the flat for a real "Scott's" party. His idea of a party? Get really really drunk and sing to the top of our lungs. Of course, we did both. Drinks in hand, in a big group hug, we sang along to Scott's favourite, "No Woman, No Cry". Badly. But we all smiled, laughed, and made fun out of each other. His mum fussed around us, as usual, and got drunk with us, a small mercy that she'd be drunk enough to pass out when she got to bed. Scott left one legacy with his friends. We will not let years pass, and a another friend's death, before we get back together. We may not all hang together like we did "back in the day", but we will always keep in touch, always hit base every so often. Yesterday proved how much he meant to all of us. We can prove that by doing the one thing only he did, keeping in touch with everyone else.

19th October 1984 - 11 September 2009

Always in our thoughts, forever in our hearts.

Oh I'm bad... but it was sooo good!

2009-09-05T11:43:00.007+01:00

I'm talking about food, get your minds out the gutters! Shocking!

Last night, on a whim, I decided to make twice baked potatoes. One of my favourite recipes from Ree Drummond (actual recipe found here)because of the simple staple ingredients and versatility, I usually use sweet potato and tuna with cheese, but last night I decided to make a batch closer to the original, but still it had a Miz twist!

No pics, because, well, I couldn't be bothered really, but the original recipe has a ton of pics if you want step by step images.

Makes for 2 hungry men and me!

3 large white potatoes
6-8 rashers of bacon (smoked or unsmoked, your choice! I went with smoked), diced
1 small white onion diced into small cubes
200g (approx) strong cheddar cheese (I used Cathedral, naturally!)
Cream cheese (I used a quarter tub of Philly)
2 tsp of cayenne
salt and pepper to taste

Preheat your oven, (gas mark 4) and throw in the potatoes, no piercing, no foil, just as they are. The skin will crisp up a treat, which is exactly what we want! Ignore for 30 mins, then turn the taters round so the whole potato will get crisp, and ignore again! Easy!

Meanwhile, since I was being naughty, I melted a little butter in a frying pan and put half the diced rashers in, and let them get to a crispy brown before removing them and frying up the second batch. Without getting rid of the leftover grease, (because, why?) I fried the diced onion in the fat until they turned soft, picking up all that lovely smoked tastiness! Set aside with the bacon, no need to keep warm.

Grate up the cheese, and go check the potatoes. If they're done, *carefully* slice them lengthways, using a tea towel as blanket (protect your hands from the heat and the sharp knife like this!). Leave the oven on, you'll be using it again in 5 mins.

In a big bowl, throw in the bacon, onion, half the grated cheese and then scoop out the sliced potatoes, leaving alittle in the shells so the shell will hold. Mix and mash together, adding the cream cheese and some milk if you like, then the cayenne and salt and pepper, as you like it. Suitably mashed and combined, start scooping the mixture back into the shells, don't flatten it down or the shells may split, just scoop it in until just above the egdes. Sprinkle the remaining cheese over the top, and bung back into the oven! Simple!

Give it 5-10 mins, depending on how you like your cheese, just melty and stringy, or crisp and brown.

Serve immediately. I served mine with a "what I had available" version of this(ie. without the peppers and subbing the BBQ sauce for Lea & Perrins), and listened as silence decended upon the room for, erm, at least 10 mins. Then I was told, serveral times, that I/the food/life in general was amazing.

I liked that. It was good knowing these two upstanding pillars of society were pleased.

It made my life complete, or something like that.

Go make it!

A little LARP story

2009-09-02T14:57:00.012+01:00

This is Elivinessa. From pretty much Friday to Monday, Nicki went away for awhile. When Elivinessa first sprung into being (see this post for more background info), she was shy, unsure and scared. She's been gaining confidence though, both in herself, and in the company of those she travels with. This year, a few more people joined the Ship's Crew, making Livvy even more confident, as she's officially not the new kid now. Bousen still scares her (as is proper!), but she's more comfortable around him, and doesn't mind talking up more often. She no longer speaks only when spoken to. She doesn't mind teasing other Crew members, or even casting magic on them if they piss her off.

The Ship's new Helmsman, a rather dapper man named Tristan had brought some, shall we say, less than savoury postcards with him, and showed them around often. Livvy told him several times she didn't want to see them, she may not be the lady she once was, but she still holds her principles! Tristan began teasing Livvy, taking the smutty postcards out several times in her presence, until she finally threatened to put him to sleep. Of course, he didn't believe her, but when he did it again, Livvy promptly cast sleep upon him. Immediately, he was mugged by a strange man, relived of said postcards. Tristan, when he awoke, he complained to the Captain, and when he pointed the finger toward a man named Sparrow as his mugger, Livvy, feeling only alittle guilty, cast sleep on the man, so he could be checked. There was nothing on him, and Livvy apologised to him when he came round.

Later, the Ship's Crew had hired the private room in the casino, and Livvy, having very little poker experience, was content to watch her shipmates play each other. When she noticed Tristan looking several times in his pocket, she began to wonder if the postcards were in fact stolen at all! When he started teasing her again about the cards, she ignored him and waited until most of the crew adjourned the table for a quick break. She made her move, putting him to sleep and searching his pockets. Bingo! He had had the cards all this time! And more, he lied to the Captain about having them stolen! He came to before the crew returned to the table, and was none the wiser about his small nap. When the game restarted, Livvy quietly sat next to Tristan and informed him she would be telling the Captain of his lies, and show him the proof that he had the postcards all along. Quickly searching his pockets, he realised the cards were no longer there. Worry passed over his face, and Livvy assured him that the Captain need not be the wiser if 2 silver coins were to be passed in exchange for the cards. Tristan complied, and the exchange was made. Then, standing up and calling the Bousen's attention, Livvy announced that Tristan had very generously made a 2 silver donation to the Ship's coffers. Everyone it seemed, except the Captain (who remains blissfully oblivious), knew exactly what had just occurred, and all approved of the spellcasting, theft and blackmailing of Tristan. "She's an asset, that one" one remarked.

See, Elivinessa is no push over. Oh no, not anymore. She'll stand her ground, and win. She's alot more hardnosed than she thought, and has no problem doing whatever it takes to protect the interests of both herself and her trusted shipmates. Tristan knows this now, and she will not hold grudges against his actions, provided he treats her with more respect. Maybe in time, she'll trust Tristan too.

l-r, Jocim, Elivinessa, Blaith, Tsunami, Joshua, Bousen, Gt, Tristan, Mr Todd - Captain in front.

Well,

2009-08-21T11:55:00.005+01:00

I'm back. Sorta. I've done the same ole, hiding when things are getting too tough. Don't get me wrong, things aren't exactly better, but I'm sick of (yet again) feeling sorry for myself. I want to do more than exist again. Next week (Thursday to Monday) sees me at the Gathering, and lordy do I need the holiday.

For just over a month I've been homeless again. No-one's fault really, I've still not had a sniff of a job, and given the employment market, that's no surprise. I ran outta things to sell to make rent, and I couldn't put that pressure on my fantastic flatmates. Very quickly, we've became a little family, and I see that continuing even though I no longer live there. There's no blame, just an understanding that times are tough. I've been bouncing from place to place, and the economic climate means that since there's many, many people in situations as bad as mine, if not worse, hostels and b&b's are full. I've been told I'll just have to continue to couch surf until at least November. It's tough, but it could be worse. I've got a solid base of friends, most of whom I've been neglecting horribly in my "feeling guilty and sorry for myself" phase. At least I know I'm not out on the streets. I doubt anyone of them would allow that to happen, thankfully.

So, yet again, I need to sign paperwork, deal with various agencies such as the Homeless Unit, GAM-H (Glasgow Association for Mental Health), and loads of Housing Associations throughout the city. I'm emotionally and physically knackered most days, truth be told, when I stop for two minutes all I want to do is sleep. It's exhausting and costly being homeless! I've had to stop actively seeking work, I won't get the help I need if I'm in employment, which seems to me an idiot idea. I want to move forward, not backwards.

There's been alot of talk, given my various mental health issues, on whether or not I could cope with having a tenancy. I mean, c'mon! My needs are simple, and shouldn't be so hard to attain. I want somewhere I can make my own, nothing fancy, just a wee small somewhere I can lock my door and do my laundry, cook, and sleep. A little piece of me. I need that stability to go and know I'm either looking for or in work, earning my own way, paying my own bills, and making my home pretty with things I worked for to buy. A routine. Nothing special, except to me. A job I enjoy, a home I love.

I have to believe I'll get there. Otherwise, what the hell else am I going for?

2009-08-03T18:27:00.001+01:00

I need out. Now.

Finding a new style

2009-07-29T22:55:00.004+01:00

I'm slowly becoming obsessed with Polyvore... trying out new looks, no budget, is pretty addictive. I'm looking for a new style, so far I'm loving Doe Deere's new style, based on her idea of a Candyfuture (parts 2 and 3 also), but I have always loved the vintage country girl look too... so far I love these looks the most...

City Cowgirl by MizSpoilt featuring Bottega Veneta bags

CandyFuture by MizSpoilt featuring Gucci shoes

But I foresee loads more collections before I settle on one. Ahhh the possibilities!

I've also (strongarmed) helped my girlie Cheryl in her quest to boost business for her Etsy shop. I've created a blog, which I will help run, in the hopes it'll get her shop more custom, as well as finding out what you, her potential customers *wink wink* would like to see in her shop. I hope for the best for her, she needs it!

Go check it out!

I'm quite happy today.

It's been a good day.

Make Over

2009-07-28T13:38:00.004+01:00

Time to lighten up. Literally and figuratively. Time for a change. Let's stick to what I love. Time to start pushing forward again.

I'm going back to therapy, and I won't not go this time. I don't care who else might be there. I need to go get help, I need to register with GHA. I will start looking after myself, I'm proud that I've been wheat-free for over a month, but I need to do more. Take a tip from my girlie and start going to the gym. Fix my damn hair, it's shallow, but I feel better when I think I look better. Do my nails. Start to put my make up on again on a daily basis. Wear clothes that have more than a practical purpose, clothes that cheer me up, make me feel good too. It might seem silly, but do you know what? I don't give a flying fuck. I know I feel better about myself when I spend alittle time every morning on just me.

What jump started this after yesterday's post? This lovely woman. A few days ago, she wrote about why women let themselves go. It got me thinking, as I read it this morning. Sinking into a deep depression is one thing, something I may not not have much control over, but I'll be damned if I let myself go with it. Looking at my sorry state in the mirror isn't going to cheer me up now, is it? No. My feeling on my face and my unwillingness to look after myself, even the most basic care like brushing my hair, is almost an admition of defeat. I don't want to be defeated by this. I want to get better. And if that means taking the shallow route, so be it. I'll paddle in the warm waters of self worth before I get the courage to dive in further. I refuse to not try. I want to look at myself and like, if not what I see, but at least the fact I made the effort. I want to see me, not my illness. And me likes make up. Red hair. Retro clothes. The gym. Hats. Heels. Smiling.

It's not just my body that'll be getting the make over. It'll be every aspect of my life, down to this blog. I need to change how I think, how I deal (or not, as the case may be!) with everything. I don't expect too much of myself, don't worry. I won't run before I can walk. My priorities, in their most basic form, are as follows:

1. Health
2. Home
3. Career

Within these, obviously, are alot more challenges I face. My relationships need to be sorted. I'm a lucky girl, G is still amazing and I never want to forget that, but I need to work on reconnecting with my family and my friends. I've burrowed too long. Time to rejoin reality. I need to relearn how to be an independent person. Financially, emotionally, absolutely. But I miss my friends. I miss my family. And this will be the jumpstart I need after stalling. I had a fantastic start.

Keep going.

Easy

2009-07-27T21:48:00.005+01:00

It's easier to hide. It's easier to think about how you could improve your life within the cocoon you make for yourself. Taking a chance is tricky. It proves you actually care about the result. Knowing it could go wrong, but pushing forward anyway. Staying within the safety of knowledge, the easy way to exist is stick to what you know, even if it makes you miserable.

You know you're better than this. You know you could fight the good fight and achieve everything that is within your power to be. But it's so hard, and the road is littered with traps and quicksand. You need to step lightly and decisively. You need to be sure. You need the belief that the fight will be over one day, and everything you've been though will make you a better person, a stronger person. One who can look back and be glad of the choices you have made, of walking the road leading to where you are now. Each step forward a small success, each step forward a step away from the past you don't want to hang on to.

But that damn road. Everlong, and with dead ends and crossroads. Why keep walking when you know this piece of pavement so well? You can't guarantee the journey will be worth it, so stop, take a breath, and stay put for three years. It doesn't matter, don't imagine too hard how things might have been. Stick to the misery you know. Don't look at the road.

It's so seductive to stay, but you start pushing yet again, face the road, face the truth of the journey, because you know you should, because you know you can crawl to every crossroad and be strong enough to pick your path.

Choices are a funny thing. You think that the battle is making the choice, but it isn't. It's making it happen. Too much red tape, too many people telling you no. Too many throwing your health in your face. Prove you can cope, they say. Prove you could make it work if we deign to grant you your choice. Tell us, in a big white box, why we should help, because right now we don't think you're worth it. But be warned, if you are too convincing, if you prove you think you're worth it, tell us, why do you need our help? There's a lot more people who don't have that self-worth. Try again when you're more needy, when you know your place.

So you don't rise above. That road you chose is covered in bricks now, with only your pitiful hands to push through. Hands that bleed. You can't climb, so you burrow. Deep and dark, in the shadow of the wall between you and your road. A dirt bed to exist in, to hide your shame as you see other people scale that wall so easily. You think about the ways you could win, but you don't climb out of that cocoon again. It's easier to hide.

Sunday night

2009-07-06T18:19:00.005+01:00

I went to the Art du Caf burlesque gallery opening, which opened as part of the Glasgow Cabaret Festival, and believe me, I wanted to buy all the artwork in sight! It was all gorgeous. But, given the small piece was still up for £895, I'd better put my purse back for now, my bank manager will thank me! Still, it was nice to see so many of my burley friends forever captured in paint, ink and love.

I wore one of Kelly's premade corsets, as requested, and I have never worn an off-the-peg corset that was so well made and comfortable! Since it was a new corset, I spent most of the night not *really* wearing it, just that bit too loose, but we tightened it up before the night was over. I've got a picture (courtesy of my girlie Cheryl) - not the best of pics, as we were *less* than sober!

The picture above was before the tightening, so imagine how tiny it made me! I was most happy. Methinks I'll be investing as soon as I can afford it!

I'll have more pictures from the GCF on Wednesday, when I'll be back at the Art du Caf for a very special night of performances!

Me, Myself, I

2009-07-02T15:12:00.004+01:00

Every so often I remember what a nasty person I am. Seriously. I have to put up with me, because, well, there's no other option!

Don't get me wrong, this isn't an "I hate myself" post. Quite the opposite, in fact. Regardless of the way life is right now, I'm still pretty happy with my lot. I have hope, too, that my life is about to improve immensely. But with all this change, I'm getting not a little introspective.

I'm 25 now. According to my 6 year old self, I should have my own house, and be one year away from being ready to start a family. I should be a lawyer, and go on cruise ship holidays (my aunt went on them and they seemed sooo cool!). I had a very definite idea of how adults should be, and that was it, for me. It didn't occur to me, until later, that maybe *I* didn't want those things. My life's goals changed, as they are wont to do, as I grew older. Now, I know, I don't want to have children, that need to procreate just isn't in me. Law was a dream I didn't see realised because of the choices I made, and I'm not overly upset for the loss. Cruise holidays don't seem as cool. The only thing that has stuck, is the longing for a place to call my own. But, despite knowing how to go about achieving that aim, I'm no closer to reaching it than I was when I first lived alone aged 16.

My life, and the way I've lived it, has affected me in many ways. I'm not going to do into the different memories, rather, I want to examine who I am as a person due to, and sometimes, in spite of, my history.

I know I'm spoilt. Oh lordy, yes, I am the ultimate spoilt bitch. Demanding, pouting, huffy little madam. Intensely selfish. But rather than just write that off as a negative, some positive comes of that. People are never unaware of how I feel. I am sometimes spoilt about odd things, like refusing to accept money I don't have to buy shoes I can't afford. I aim to be spoilt and self sufficient. I don't like the idea of being *kept*. I demand respect, even when I know I probably don't deserve it. I'm spoilt in the sense that if I want to learn about something, I'll damn well go and find out about it, from Chaos Theory to who sang a particular lyric of a song I don't remember in full.

I have a short attention span. Oh so annoying, even for me. I'm the stereo typical girl in that sense because... oh look a butterfly!

See what I did there?

If something stops interesting me, I'll lose all interest in following through. Case in point, I have at least 3 "drafts" on this blog that I know I'll probably never get round to finishing. I KNOW for a fact I'll stop writing this blog pretty soon, because right now I've got housework on the brain and I want to go clean the bathroom. Crazy - right? Chances are, I'll find something else to do before I actually finish the bathroom, at that!

I'm lazy. Lazy with a guilt complex. I realise there's always better things to do with my thing, but chances are, I won't, even knowing that doing said more important thing will make me ridiculously pleased with myself because I did it! Whole days have went by where I've barely moved, then I feel bad and promise to do better next time.

It's difficult for me to resist temptation. I'm serious! If I decide to stop eating wheat (12 days now! In a row! Ridiculously pleased? You bet!) I'm constantly finding ways to break that. Yesterday was tough. I sat in a cafe, and almost ordered a panini, just because, but at the last second, I thought better and ordered a baked potato instead (cue the ridic. pleased music). Why was I going to throw away 11 days of good behaviour? Because I'm spoilt, that why, and I'm sick of trying to be the good girl. It's silly really. I know within a few hours, I'll feel as ill as hell, I'll be itchy, a rash will appear and my stomach will be in agony. All for that 5 mins of saying fuck you to the world. Pointless, and yet, I know, I'll feel like that again. It won't go away, but I need to learn to ALWAYS chose to ignore the spoilt brat within, for once.

Ok, it's 15.55 on Thursday 2 July... I'm away to tidy. Lets say how long it takes me to come back to it.

To hell with it, I'm posting this, then I NEED to come back to finish it!

Public confessions, nothing like it to guilt you into finish something you started!

It's 01.41 on Saturday night. I was going to finish this earlier on, but I've had a less than perfect state of mind today. Nothing serious, really, but I didn't want to change the whole tone of this particular blog post. I WILL come back to it, I promise, but for now, I'm off to bed.

PS, I lost on phone during the week (I'm still mourning!) so I've lost everyone's numbers. I'll start asking around for the numbers when I get a new phone!

I'll finish this blog as a two parter, so no-one has to re-read this for the second or third time. I'm nice like that.

Honest!

Quickie

2009-06-30T09:13:00.006+01:00

I haven't slept all night. Insomnia is well and truly back. I'm about to go try and sleep, or I'll be no use to anyone later! Not a good plan.

In other news, been feeling quite icky, I've caught a bug, probably not Swine flu, but with G working in a hospital (and in contact with at least one infected patient, poor person!) knowing my luck... :P Regardless, I've been chained to my desk with Repo!, and things are ticking over quite nicely :D

Sunday will see me all dressed up in one of the Bad Kitty corsets for this event....

... ahhh, the things I do in the line of beauty, I mean duty! Gallery opening, dressing up, and calling it work! Heh heh.

Now though, although I want to write more (loads to say!) I believe me in a bed with hot sweet tea and Viggo Mortensen (on the screen, sadly) is the best idea. LOTR: TTT is my comfort movie, I know it back to front, and I'll happily doze off watching it. At least, that's the intention....

Need to look impossibly fresh and amazing, backstage at the show tonight, better remember the camera!

I love this industry.

RIP MJ

2009-06-26T00:12:00.001+01:00

I'm in shock. I'm so very upset.

I will blog when I'm not so fuzzy. When I know more about what happened.

Til then my thoughts are with his children.

To market, to market!

2009-06-17T18:52:00.008+01:00

So, Livvy needs a new wardrobe. Difficult, but not impossible, to do on a budget. Ebay is my friend!

Footwear first - of course! I think I should take one pair of knee high boots, I'm thinking brownish, of maybe even deep green. I like these...

... so far, and neither of them are too expensive. I'm thinking though, that outta my budget, I really should get decent, hardwearing boots to run around in. I'll be in a field, maybe in the rain, so I should take care of my feet!

In that case *insert shifty look here* I'd sack the brown/green look and buy these instead!

Maybe it's the goth in me, but I frigging LOVE these! Wedges probably aren't the best thing to be running in either, but, well, it's me! I can run in stilettos! (It'd be murder in muck though!)

Otherwise, I'm also looking at sandals. August is a hot month, and I don't want to be wearing big boots all day every day!

These are pretty funky...

..but most sandals are either "in fashion" gladiator cheap crap or little flip flops with nothing really to them. I want something cool, but will support my ankle if I decide to go running about in them! I think I'll have to go further than ebay!

My colour scheme, as such, deep greens, reds, browns. Some blues too. In fact my main inspiration comes from a scarf I have. I'll take a picture tomorrow and post it, ok? Anybody got any ideas, I'll be happy to take them!

For now, I'm off to girlify. I've got a burlesque networking event tomorrow, and girl needs to HUSTLE!

xx

The Gathering!

2009-06-16T12:27:00.004+01:00

So, The Gathering is at the end of August, and I'm already getting excited about it. I know, I know, I'm sad. But I do enjoy LARP (live action role play) much more than I ever thought I would, so there!

This year, the Gathering looks to be a biggie. Me and G are going, of course, but this time, so is Mac, and maybe too Emma, Stephen and Frances. So I'm helluva happy I can introduce my lovely friends into the world of dressing up, getting drunk, and hitting people with latex swords. On a field. In the middle of summer.

It's not all battles and fighting though, one of my favourite things about the Gathering is walking about the Marketplace in character (IC) and talking to other people also IC. It's fun, and can descend into ridiculous quite quickly. Imagine being introduced to a goblin named Sir Nikaz Askew, or an elf called Salogel (read it backwards). These are the silly bits you can have a laugh at.

I love my character. Her name is Elivinessa and she's an aristocratic runaway. She stowed away on a pirate (ahem, I mean conquistador) ship and was caught by the ships first mate Mister Joshua. Dragged in front of the terrifying Mr Bousen, and the the rest of the ship's crew, she had to convince him not to make her walk the plank. Scared now, that the stories of pirates and sailing the high sea weren't nearly as romantic and exciting as in the picturebooks, she falteringly pleaded for her life and lavished praise on their way of life. Men of honour, she called them, and free, something she desperatly wanted to be a part of. She kept her aristocratic status secret, not knowing if they wouldn't just hold her for ransom instead.

Mr Bousen, although not softening, asked her if she had any worth, any talent to bring to the ship. She admitted she was a mage, magic came naturally to her. The ship already had a mage, he replied, what need would they have for another? Mr Joshua spoke up, the only one on the ship who could get away with it, saying more power through magic wouldn't be a bad thing. The other mage, Tsunami, was charged with teaching her, after he discovered she was powerful yet inexperienced. It was decided. She would receive 10 lashes of the whip for stowing away, and thereafter, would be in the charge of Mr Joshua, and a functioning member of the Ship. Mr Bousen cemented this decision but passing around a hipflask of rum, to each crew member, a mouthful.

Disembarking from the ship, the crew went to the nearest bar, where she tried to refuse Mr Bousen's offer of a drink, with the rum still burning a hole in her stomach. Seeing the look upon his face, she quickly accepted, realising her future involved a LOT of drinking.

Since then, she has opened up alot more, although still keeping her heritage secret, she is gaining confidence in her abilities as a mage, and has discovered she is adept at fighting with two daggers. She is quite close to Galandra, the ships healer, and tries to stay by her side to protect her during battles. She is always excited, though abit apprehensive about going onshore, the threat of her family finding her always stronger on land, but the Elivinessa who joined the crew last year is alot different to the Livvy who is there now.

In the next few days, I'll be posting about the hunt for new costuming for Livvy. I've a few ideas, but it'll take some time getting it together.

Tonight, Stephen and Frances are coming up to talk about the Gathering, and some weapons practice. Hopefully, their maybe will become a definite soon!

I've been quite naughty...

2009-06-15T13:52:00.002+01:00

I'm still doing the exercise bit, but I've still been eating wheat, so bad me. I promise now, to mark each day with a wheat/no wheat... to keep myself on check. Doing well on the water front too, drinking at least a litre a day, usually more.

In other news... I meant to take a picture of my make up for Blitzer's masquerade ball... but I forgot. I wasn't even drunk, having had 2 drinks the entire night, but oh well. It was a fun night, but next time, I'm booking a hotel room in the next street so I can get to sleep in a bed when I'm sleepy! Instead, like the good friend I am (:P) I gave up my room so my best friend Twitch could get - ahem - some sleep. Yes. Sleep. Gof and I went to his at 5(ish?) in the morning, where, although I was sober and awake, I went straight to sleep! Sometimes having a second wave doesn't matter as long as I have a pillow under me!

Sleep. I've been getting a better quality of sleep in the last 4 days, but over the past fortnight, I've had more nightmares than I can handle. I know I'm stressed, but no more so than usual so it's a bit worrying. I think with my body getting used to the amount of activity I cram in daily, I should be sleeping without dreaming pretty soon. It's a nice thought.

I start therapy in July. I'm nervous, but hopeful, it's something I haven't really considered before, and when I asked my last doctor about it, he just threw pills at me. I don't need the pause button, and I'd rather let go than hold in. The Mental Health team did talk about group therapy, but I'd rather one to one for now. It's taken me all this time to take this step, I'd rather walk before I can run. The idea of talking to people no better off than I am seems sort of egotistical, like a whole "I know you have it tough, but pity poor me!" Not my scene. Maybe I'll change my mind, but right now I'll just talk to someone who will only have a professional interest, not an emotional one. Maybe selfish, sure, but I want to do this right.

I'm going back to college too. I'm rewinding back and doing it right this time round! I'm also working more on my Repo! A Burlesque Affair night, the tickets are going on sale at the end of the week, so I'm working hard!

....

Anything else??

Umm

Been watching more make up tutorials like this or this. I've sorta trailed off wearing make up, and I don't know why, because I love sitting down to apply it in the morning! I'm odd, I know it.

OK, that's it... until I remember somethin else I forgot!

But be prepared for more posts... and maybe soon, a snippet from the new fiction I've been writing.

Yeah, kept that quiet, haven't I?

*evil grin*

I may cry....

2009-06-11T12:35:00.002+01:00

It's got to the point now, that I need to sell my vintage clothes. I would put them on ebay, but I need cash now... so I can't. Yeah. I may cry.

I'm hoping that it'll give me the opportunity to restart - all fresh and really think about what I choose for my new wardrobe. But for now, it'll have to lie bare for a while. Being penniless sucks.

I'll probably be back later, sobbing and typing my little heart out, but really, it's just clothes.

Isn't it?

Why I love Gof

2009-06-09T20:30:00.003+01:00

"Her name was Lola she was a... fiissh..."

"What kind of fish?"(asks Blitzer)

"A potato" Gof replies.

Elections results

2009-06-09T10:46:00.001+01:00

I seen this coming from waaaay off, and I was powerless to cast my own vote as I needed to prove my new address before the 19th May, which I tried to, but couldn't do. It says alot about the faith of the British people that they have lost all hope in a "better than nothing" government and have come to rely on people who prey on the weak and spout hate like it's *obviously* ok to. I see what the BNP have done. They've sugarcoated the truth of what the have done, and in doing so made it easier to swallow and given us proven examples that they do what they set out to achieve.

Forcing immigrants out of whatever crappy scheme they've been dumped in? No, they've "brought the existing community together for a common goal"

It's horrifying, and we all know there's plenty more examples where that came from. No justification? Sure, but people are scared. The economy problem won't be fixed until people start spending again, but with the highest rate of unemployment in over 30 years, most (including myself) simply can't afford to jumpstart a system that screwed us all over.

Labour have failed absolutely and completely, and, let's face it, the Tories always seem to fuck things up even more, so the old assurances are dead. Smaller parties, like BNP and UKIP are gaining power simply because they still *seem* honest to the everyman.

To the 35 year old mechanic being made redundent with a family to support, the BNP may be racist, but at least he's got a better chance of a job if they were elected. To the wee granny, wouldn't harm a fly, but her pension is awful short and UKIP want to spend more money on their own country, not send it over to Europe.

The dinosaurs are dying out, and the parasites are taking over. This country is in shock, but lets hope be the time a GE rolls round, there will be a better option. Right now there's not one party I have faith in.

Not long left

2009-06-06T00:09:00.003+01:00

I promise to remember that time we all got locked out of your house and went outside in pouring rain to playfight instead.

I promise to remember walking along country roads just around Easterhouse and finding old buildings.

I promise to remember the time, on one of those walks, finding the old brewery and looking in the flooded basements for bottles of booze. And not finding any.

I promise to remember that even though you were into dance music, you loved the line form K's Choice "Virgin State of Mind" - Do you think I'm sexy? Do you think I really care?

I promise to remember we all made fun of your alien shaped head. Even you.

I promise to remember you were my little sister's first love. And how much I appreciated you treating her like a princess.

I promise to remember you made me breakfast when I was hungover.

I promise to remember you love Rangers.

I promise to remember the sneaky joints we all shared in the fields.

I promise to remember the summers out in the back gardens.

I promise to remember the boys hanging out your window and the girls hanging out Stacy's across the way.

I promise to remember the time we sprayed deodorant down a pipe and lit it on fire.

I promise to remember you.

So much to say...

2009-06-05T11:27:00.004+01:00

... and even though it's affecting my life, it's not my business to talk about in a public forum. Sucks, but I'd rather keep on the good side of the person in question. Still, I can say that this huge cloud has a silver lining, not least of all because it's brought my family closer together again, and that's always a good thing.

Yeah, so.

I've got my jacket on, ready to leave Gof's and get up to the Jobcentre to deal with yet more paperwork. Frankly, I just want the whole thing over with, I have a new job, it's going well, and along with Repo, things seem to be moving along quite nicely. Ask me again at the end of the month! I've decided to live alittle less stressed, and I've let go of the anger I didn't realise I was still carrying. Anger, not only to those people who have hurt me, but towards myself too. I'm trying too much, too hard, and pushing towards a dream I will never see realised, so it's time to move on.

I will ask nothing of anybody, I've realised that...

I like it.

So, this thing that has just happened, the mystery I allude to, sorta forced me to see things from a different angle. I understand, always, that there are 3 sides to any given story, a's side, b's side and the actual truth without bias. Maybe I thought I was taking the high road but not talking about it to those mutual friends who might have been caught in the crossfire, but really, I was just harbouring secret sorrow and doubt. I've just witnessed, first hand, how that feels. When you know someone you love is sad but you don't know why. I witnessed too, how it eats you up inside without you even realising it.

I refuse to do that to myself anymore. I'm getting proper help. No more pause pills, no more hiding. An honest lifting of the veil, without drama. I've been offered a chance, a hope, and I'm grabbing it.

No more sorrow.
No more pretending.

This ending tastes deliciously like a new beginning.

never felt justified

2009-06-02T12:35:00.002+01:00

So I've not heard from Julie since a few days after I moved. Fair enough, I was pausing communications until I could tell her something solid, and without bias. There was no need to speak to her, I didn't want to fight, bitch or moan anymore. Certain people tried, and failed to draw me into a slanging match about her, but I couldn't. Sure I felt hard done by, and not alittle sorry for myself, but why hold on to all that? I had other things to worry about. The sooner I could get finances sorted, the sooner I could start paying what I owed.

Julie knew I have this blog. I didn't want to assume, but I suspected that since all other form of contact was out, she might read in from time to time. At least to see if I was bitching. I don't remember about alot of the ranting I did back then, so I've just read back. Yeah - I alluded to the fact I was upset. But I wasn't overly emotional about it, just stating facts. Apart from that, I've decided silence was my best option. It wasn't my right to rant on (and online) about only *my side* to the story. Of course, I'm biased. Right now though, my anger is directed toward the DWP, and I have no time to bitch about anything else.

Today, I was told Julie has started a blog. 3 posts so far, and 2 were pretty much about evil little moi and how I used and abused her generous nature. I'm not egotistical, but seriously, how passive aggressive is that? Blog, then link it to a newsfeed my BEST FRIEND AND BOYFRIEND still have access to. Julie many be many things, but not among them is stupid. Connect the dots, and here I am. Livid, and having disposed of breakfast via toilet bowl. With every half truth, every accusation pointed in my direction, she paints a pretty picture of me sucking her dry while she struggles to cope. Best of all, she then calls me an "amazing friend" before slandering me yet again.

I replied. Of course I did! Even though, the bile in my throat is making me gag, I don't want to turn this into an online argument, or worse, force people to take sides, but when I posted my comment, I was greeted with an "awaiting moderation" page. So I know, my comment will never see the light of day on her blog. It calls her out on too many things, and doesn't even BEGIN to spill the secrets she once told me. I wouldn't, and couldn't do that, but the desire to act the evil bitch she portrayed me to be is strong.

I'm not saying she's lying, or not seeing things as she sees them, but to present her version as solid fact is utterly classless.

So here it is, live and unedited, my response to her accusations. And not once have I felt justified.

Right. You feel wronged. Well so do I. You never gave me the chance to speak for myself. Right to reply? At least tell me you are bitching about me so I have one.

I'm so angry right now I'm shaking. I feel sick. You gave a half story, and you don't know ANYTHING about my life as it is now.

Right. I lost my job. An illegal one, thanks for announcing that. I was living on £66.11 a week, income support. You KNEW THIS. I tried so hard to find a job, then when I got one, I worked for 9 days. I was fired. Hardly enough to pay all the money I know I still owe you, and barely enough to pay myself out of the little pockets of debt I had so I could concentrate on paying you everything. I was honest about everything. When I tried to reclaim IC, the form got sent back to the wrong department. Then they wouldn't release it the the correct department until they had assessed it. Then I was told it was lost, I had to reclaim. I did it over the phone, and the declaration they sent out never arrived. Then I got kicked out, and since I had to change districts, from West Dumbartonshire to Glasgow - my files had to be sent over. Again, they went missing. I was told time after time it'll get sorted out evantually.

Since March 17 2009, I have been living off £76.44 a fortnight on crisis loans. I have had to sell things, and borrow even more cash to make rent since I can't claim for housing benefit right now.

I understand why you did it. I just don't like the way you did. A text message hours after you heard me argue YET again to the DWP about how they've fucked up. You kicked me when I was down. I felt so guilty about the whole thing, I was never at your house! I stayed with G 6 nights outta 7 from sheer guilt!

Don't you think for one minute I don't regret the way things turned out, because I do. You're not the only one who felt betrayed.

I'm at the mercy of a system thats supposed to help me, and I'm days away from being homeless yet again. I thought you understood the pressures I was under. I gutted out your house time and time again, for the few hours a week I was there, by way of penance, since I couldn't pay my way, I'd try to keep the house clean.

But I couldn't even do that.

And damn right I took the washing up liquid. I was being irrational, wiping my existence off your flat, trying to forget it ever happened. Plus, I had a new place to clean, and I paid for it. I'm surprised you didn't mention though, that I left my tumble dryer, or the pots.

Right now, I can't afford busfare much. I've not been able to get back to Dalmuir, not through lack of trying, believe me. You WILL get your suitcase back, it's sitting by the door, waiting to be took back. You WILL be getting money from me, as soon as I start getting paid. I've recently started a new job. I will contact you to set up a standing order.

But next time Julie, don't make it seem you were so hard done by. I tried my best, don't paint me the villian. When you tried to read that letter to me, it was all I could do not to harm myself for all the shit I've screwed up. Don't confuse a less than emotional reaction with not caring. I didn't want to make you feel worse or guilty if I showed how desparate I felt.

Funny. We could have salvaged something outta this mess. You've just killed any chance of that happening.

Bad Things by Jace Everett

2009-06-02T11:27:00.003+01:00

When you came in the air went out.
And every shadow filled up with doubt.
I don't know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.

I'm the kind to sit up in his room.
Heart sick an' eyes filled up with blue.
I don't know what you've done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.

When you came in the air went out.
And all those shadows there filled up with doubt.
I don't know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.
Ow, ooh.

I don't know what you've done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.

Unspotless Mind

New blog

An announcement.

He'll never even read this

promises to myself

To meet and marry (and divorce?)

Find a clue

Feelin' blue...

In which I discuss (somewhat) Christianity.

"I may not agree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it"

And now for something completely different....

a lil lesson

ohoh! I found this in my drafts! Win!

Still alive!

Skunk Anansie - Secretly (uncut)

Dust

Public Service Announcement - Charity/thrift/vintage shopping!

Learning to communicate

sister, sister...sister, and fictional character!

The Tale of the NaziFem

Damnit

10 things you may not know about me

Me wantie!

Stay or go?

Procrastination

It's worthy of a blog post!

Today, I am 26

And, I'm gone.

In which I blabber. Alot.

a little procrastination....

Ok, enough of the springform

formspring.me

How much do you LOVE me! and will you come party it up in leeds with me ;) xx

If you had to name 3 people in your life who were awesome, but under-appreciated by others, who would you pick out as deserving more love from the world?

Which of these -ism's do you think applies most to you: Solipsism; Nihilism; Determinism; Fatalism; Fallibilism; Absurdism; Bonism; Casualism; Gnosticism; Hedonism; Malism; Meliorism, or, is there another -ism that suits you better?

Daddy or Chips?

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen Swallow?

The Zombie apocalypse happens (finally...), and you find out about it because a zombie mob just broke in to your house. You've got about 2 minutes to grab stuff and get out. What do you grab, and where do you run to?

Ninjas, or Pirates?

The world ends in 8 minutes, so you...

Pants

all time favourite incubus song? :)

What is your dream job?

Yesterday used to be the future

Rockclimbing? worst metaphor ever!

Are we there yet?

Skip to the end

And then some...

First job interview

*hides in shame*

Another Video...

thank god I'm (not?) pretty?

Homelessness

And so, it happens...

Looking forward to it!

Well well...

The Not The Resolutions List for 2010

A(nother) small update.

I've been busy! honest!!

plan of attack!

S.O.P.H.I.E

That was quick!!

In a country far far away....

Such a shame...

A small update

He brought me flowers...

Halloween Hell!

Ah well!

Contemplating Sunday, after dark

lazy days....

My heart is happy

Just thinkin'

Yup, I'm still up...

I may be too high maintainance...

Monday No Blues!

RIP Scott Aiton

Oh I'm bad... but it was sooo good!

A little LARP story

Well,

Finding a new style

hides in shame