New blog

The link to my new blog is here

See you there!

xx

An announcement.

In the next few weeks, I'll be closing up this blog. I don't think I'm giving it the attention it needs and I'm thinking about new thing, a new blog - which won't really fit into this. I'll post the link when and if I do go though with it.

But for now, I'm dimming the lights of this part of my unspotless mind.

G'night.

Its been odd.

Yeah. Strange. Life, as a rule, refuses to stop a single second to take note. Things are speeding up, almost to the point of not recognising what I have in that moment.

I know I'm working hard. I know I'm tired. Or tried. Whatevs.

But I'm still here, with a phone-memory full of my usual rants and a certain kind of satisfaction that I'm still here.

So, there's that.

That, and a whole new playlist of songs.

Music that reflects my moods.

You have been warned.

He'll never even read this

We were never friends. You just used that theory. You used it because you knew I believed in you when no one else would. I tried to honour what I thought I saw in you. But there is nothing. No anguish. No doubt. No fear that you are less than you are. And yet, you are. Not just because you let her down so badly, but because you destroyed what little hope you inspired in people who wanted so badly for you to become a better person.

People like you have no soul - you can't become a better person. I made excuse after excuse for you. I tried so hard to justify your behaviour when what I should have done is tell you repeatedly what a prick you really are. More fool me. But no more. Go and destroy yourself with self pity, knowing you will always drive away the people who care because you love to play the tortured artist. Pity yourself, the vapid shallow thing you are, pretending to be so sad to hide the fact you are devoid of an actual personality. Go on, surround yourself with fake friends, people you use as much as they use you, because your whole life is about keeping up the act. Don't let anyone get too close, lest they find out the truth about how empty you are.

But most of all, know this. Keep in your mind, that if you, yet again, go near the people I love, real people with real feelings - I will end you. You are little more than a husk now, of very little importance, but you fuck with me, I guarantee you'll be nothing more than a bad memory. Go play your sad song somewhere else, because no one here wants to hear the tune you play.

Like you said last night, poor little anguished boy, goodbye forever. Or, my words - fuck off. Run away. You're good at running from the truth, aren't you?

promises to myself

All overhead lights will be off by 8.30pm. Candles and table lamps only after this. Your sense of calm will thank you.

Laptop and/or pc should be switched off by 7, barring a suitable reason (writing is one, tvtropes is not)

- further, no more gossip sites - the dirt on celebs stains you too.

You will write, and keep to, a suitable housekeeping schedule. You will sit and prepare the next day before you sleep.

No more snooze button mornings. You always end up rushing and forgetting things.

Work out. You miss it. Start off by getting back on the wii.

Stick to no wheat. You're getting good at it, and your body will thank you. Eventually.

Accept responsibility for your actions.

Admit you are just lazy, but you're capable of being better than that.

Never forget, especially during the low points, how very lucky you really are.

Stick to your goals.

Do it.

To meet and marry (and divorce?)

Some people are just crazy.

Scratch that.

CARRRRRAAAAZZZEEEEEEE!!!!.

That's better.

I'm watching the Wedding House on Channel 4, and a couple have just got married after knowing each other for 3 months!

Seriously, I've got tins of food in my cupboard older than that.

I've only recently came around to the idea of marriage - and I count recently as January, still longer than 3 months away! I came around to it as a natural progression of my relationship with Gof, and in truth, I feel we have a marriage already. I mean, we have house insurance for goodness sake! The wedding day is, and always has been, simply a day we celebrate our relationship with our loved ones. It is a relationship borne of experience, shared memories and a bond only time could forge. We have been together for 3 years, and our wedding day will fall on our 6th year as a couple. We both agree that this is perfect for us. Our day will be enriched by experiences we have yet to share, and more importantly, we'll have paid off existing debt AND the wedding fees!

Even when I didn't understand or even necessarily agree with the concept of marriage, I still judged those who used it for the reasons that were absolutely against the spirit of the thing. We've all heard the horror stories. Shotgun weddings, weddings for gifts, wedding just to show off. Weddings just to win a honeymoon (I'm looking at you, guilty pleasure Four Weddings!). I always respected the choice to get married, if those choices were based on a mutual love and hope and determination to stay together and grow old together. I even understand that some shotgun weddings have the couples celebrate their 50th anniversary.

But, eurgh. The couple looked distinctly uncomfortable walking down the aisle, one groom just meeting his soon-to-be-husband's parents for the first time 10 minutes previously. I wouldn't be in the least surprised if they had already broken up. It just looked so forced.

Marriage isn't a fashion accessory. I can't relate to the idea that you marry knowing there's an option to divorce. I certainly can't understand the idea that people marry just because they can. I am over joyed that in this country, any people in love can marry regardless of gender, but rushing in just because you can cheapens it for the couples who marry out of genuine and carefully nurtured love.

Is it too much to ask?

Love and marriage apparently go hand in hand.

Or am I just kidding myself?

Find a clue

I'm having a bit of a crisis. I'm constantly knackered and generally feeling lousy, I feel fat, uninspired, frumpy and bored of out my mind. My house keeping is important to me, and it gives my a sense of comfort, but I've let it far by the wayside.

I just feel lost.

I was in Wales over the weekend. My mum was in hospital for a spinal operation, and I wasn't missing that for the world. It wasn't a risk I was willing to take, that something could go wrong and I was 400 miles away. It was a busy and emotional weekend but I'm glad I managed it. I'm actually on the phone to mum right now, and I love how normal she is sounding, just talking about my niece and nephew. I'm hoping to get back down in a fortnight, but it's very much based on if I can get overtime.

While I was there, I was astounded by the sheer will power my sister has. Not only has she two kids under 5 to care for, she has a full time job, she's caring for my mum, AND scrubbing out a new flat my mum was offered a day before the op, so that mum can move in seamlessly after she's able to be independent again. All this, after she has completed a surrogacy two months ago. I need her stamina. Her iron will.

In the meantime, I'm just coasting along. I need some energy. I need inspiration. I need routine.

I want to clean out my home again. It's not a tarfside tragedy, but it's not as perfect as it could be - should be.

I want to get excited about my job again.

I want to take pride in myself again, not just the barest maintenance. Ego aside, I know that when I take care of my physical self, my mental state is default: happy.

I just want to have a life again.

Right now, excluding the weekend, my life consists of crawling out of bed at the last possible minute, climbing into the shower then my uniform and sloping off to work, feeling miserable there, then going home, sitting on the couch and staring at my laptop until I go to bed.

What a crock of shit. Lovely kind of life there. Not what I've dreamed of while I was sitting in a hostel.Where is Gof in this, I hear you ask? Being ignored, mostly. Not what he dreamed of either, I'd wager. (ed. note - he's not here right now, it's game night with the boys) 


I don't know how I got into this funk. Autumn is my favourite season, I finally have a home I love. I have, as always, my gorgeous Gof trying to support me. Our bills are paid. My job is secure, with a promotion in sight.

So why this funk?

Seriously.

Why.

Answers on a postcard please.

Until then, I'm going to attempt.... something.