I'm two days into my holiday and I think I've done the right level of relaxing and housework. But then, I would! I can't believe how much has changed in the few weeks G has been here, and really, it's exciting as it is frustrating to find space for his stuff! I joke, kinda. Right now, my home smells and feels like a laundrette, I'm washing everyone we own because I think my skin doesn't quite like the last detergent I was using... itchy! It's a beautiful day outside, and I've got this feeling of... oh, I don't know... contentment. I know there's other things I could be doing, but right pottering about the house and listening to old favourites like this or this feels like exactly what I should be doing. I kinda love forgetting how much I love certain bands, because re-discovering them is such a treat.
You know what's weird? I write ALL the damn time when I'm on a down swing, like I need to get it out and maybe I'll not feel so desperate. But when I'm happy, I feel like, not I don't have anything to write, more I shouldn't write about it. It almost feels like I'm aware people know I'm just that little crazy, but if I'm happy about something, I shouldn't rub other people's faces in it. We all talk about about the fact we're miserable, even if the facts remain secret. But when the opposite occurs, the simple fact is we (or at least *I*) don't feel entirely comfortable telling the world that yes, I am doing quite well, thank you.
So yeah. I've made peace with my problems, and continue down a merry path of life. It's real, there's cracks in the pavement and I'm trying to walk with a surer step, careful not to slip, but if it happens, I know I can pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again. I'm not as scared of falling now. I know it'll happen from time to time, particularly when I'm not paying much attention. I'll get too distracted by simply living my life to worry about the cracks in the road all the time. I'd rather just fall occasionally than be on constant alert, not fully experiencing everything life is offering me because I'm too nervous about the outcome.
Being sensible is not the same as being on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I refuse to watch life from a distance just because it's safer. I want to fully participate in my life. I want to fuck up occasionally, because even now, I don't regret a single decision I've made, because it's led me here. Emotionally, mentally, physically.
The truth I've fought so hard to ignore is simply this. I'm not perfect. I wouldn't even want to be, really. Too much effort for not enough pay-off. And it would piss people off, being so damned perfect. I'll pass on that. It would breed an arrogance I just don't have in me. I'd rather be fallible. Imperfect. Real.
Plus... just think of those mistakes that'll turn into something amazing. I'm sure there's a few more of them in my future, providing I'm not too careful :P
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Friday, 7 May 2010
How much do you LOVE me! and will you come party it up in leeds with me ;) xx
I love ya looong time! :D name the time and place girl :D
Thursday, 6 May 2010
If you had to name 3 people in your life who were awesome, but under-appreciated by others, who would you pick out as deserving more love from the world?
everyone I know deserves love, and if they feel under-appreciated, they should feel, and be, entitled to speak up and tell the world "Pay attention!"
Which of these -ism's do you think applies most to you: Solipsism; Nihilism; Determinism; Fatalism; Fallibilism; Absurdism; Bonism; Casualism; Gnosticism; Hedonism; Malism; Meliorism, or, is there another -ism that suits you better?
As much as I'd like to hold the ego I need to believe I am the only being in true existence, I don't, I believe too strongly in fate and purpose, but also free will, a world not rules by either/or situations, which rules out the next three, I accept all people are fallible, but not that everything we hold to be true is false. I believe personal truths are to be looked for, cherished and accepted for the meanings they inspire in our hearts and heads.
Bonism, I confess, I had never heard of before, but after a quick shuftie, I'm interested to learn more about it... I'll get back to you on that one!
Casualism is too broad an idea to believe or disbelieve, Gnosticism is too contradictory for me, and Hedonism is too simple, and ultimately selfish, for my tastes. I'd like to think more positively about life, and yet, I doubt I'm suitably pessimistic to support Malism and finally, although I'm all for progress, I believe the Nature world should not be spliced and diced for one species' own ego. There's plenty about the natural world that can advance the whole world to a better place, but nature and science must sit comfortably aside each other.
In essence, I wouldn't say I hold to a particular, established ethos, rather, I believe what I know to be true in the moment, and never stop looking to learn more. If there's an -ism out there that encapsulates that simple little thought process, then that's what suits me. And I'll find it one day!
I'm a mass of tumbling contradictions, however! I reserve the right it change my mind when I damn well please! :D
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