Procrastination

Tomorrow I'll be having a birthday party, and my house will be filled with most of my nearest and dearest. My kitchen is clean and tidy, except the little counter top with all my baking stuff (I'm making peanut butter cookies). I need to tackle the little corner in my hall, obviously, putting random stuff there so I'll deal with it hasn't exactly worked... for 3 weeks. Eek.

So. Yeah. I'm supposed to be tidying. So why am I sitting here instead, I hear you ask.

Hello. Have we met?

I'm alone and I have internet access.

I'm also putting off doing that hall. It will involve going downstairs to the bins, and to the charity shop.

And do you know what? I actually got my act together and went to film the flat for your viewing pleasure (and to show off our new TV) and guess what? I couldn't find the bleeping camera. Grrr.

Right, I'm off. Honest. Need to polish, hoover, and then I won't feel so bad pampering myself tonight.

Either that, or I'm going to go play Super Mario 3.

I'll never tell ;)

It's worthy of a blog post!

So, I'll be blogging and videoing later, but I have some very exciting news.

I. Am. Cooking. Tonight.

ME!

Not Gof, who, I'm lucky to say, LOVES cooking.

What I don't like though, is whenever I do try to cook, Gof hangs over my shoulder and asks me what I am doing/how I'm doing it/why I'm doing it/don't you think you should...

AAARRRGGGHHH

So, he's barred from MY kitchen tonight.

I'm cooking.

And what am I cooking?

Well, I'll be buying...

Chicken
Pineapple
Red onion
Mango
Brown rice
Jalapeño
Lime

....

I'll take pictures later!

Today, I am 26

I've still got a lot of growing to do. Each truth I discover throws up more questions and mistakes I've yet to make.

I will inevitably let people down. I don't like it, and will strive to make sure it doesn't happen, but I know that the more I learn about myself, the more likely my ideals and motives will change and with that, essentially invalidating contradicting and until then, completely sincere promises.

It's not nice to know that about myself. But, I suppose, at least I know.

But anyway....

I don't care as much about losing weight as I do about feeling fit. You may think it's the same thing, but it isn't.

I seek strength from my closest friends, and can't help mother some of them.

I want exactly what I have, squared.

I still don't want kids.

I will never be sick of feeling the grass between my toes.

Or laughing at dirty jokes.

Or hearing my nearest and dearest laugh, for that matter.

I love finding common ground between me and new people in my life.

As much as I love my holiday, I'm almost missing work.

I still love Zero 7.

I love surprising people, in the nicest of ways.

Stephen Fry is THE MAN.

I'm sick of the Go Compare ads.

I want ice cream.

And that's just today! Thoughts and feelings that may have occurred to me before, some new - but all have been on my mind today.

Happy Birthday to me. I'm grateful for so much, and can't wait to see what this year brings.

I dreamed we were there. The plane leapt the tropopause, the safe air, and attained the outer rim, the ozone, which was ragged and torn, patches of it threadbare as old cheesecloth, and that was frightening. But I saw something that only I could see, because of my astonishing ability to see such things: Souls were rising, from the earth far below, souls of the dead, of people who had perished, from famine, from war, from the plague, and they floated up, like skydivers in reverse, limbs all akimbo, wheeling and spinning. And the souls of these departed joined hands, clasped ankles, and formed a web, a great net of souls, and the souls were three-atom oxygen molecules, of the stuff of ozone, and the outer rim absorbed them, and was repaired. Nothing's lost forever. In this world, there's a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we've left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least I think that's so.

-Harper Pitt, Angels In America

And, I'm gone.

I had to do it. I really don't know what else to say, that won't sound horrible or bitchy. I respect that change happens, but to happen so damn quickly, casually tossing aside thoughts and feeling I long held to be important... I couldn't, and won't, be a part of it. I see things only from my point of view, as everyone does, and I can't stop feeling the way I do. It might be wrong, but it's my instinct, and I ignore that at my peril. I did try to ignore, stop reading between the lines, but I don't know how something so special twisted into something painful.

Is it really so important that I'm around? It doesn't seem so, and I'd rather not push a connection that seems to be severed beyond all repair. Simple fact is, logical or not, any decision made impacts more than can ever be predicated. It's the sad side to ripples in the water, far reaching consequences of a decision made to benefit the self.

Maybe it's a testament to the importance someone holds, even when they don't realise it. Put on a pedestal and unwittingly disappoint when it's revealed you have flaws like anyone else.

Regardless. This wasn't about taking sides. It never was. I took the decision to remove myself from more upset, more anger, and what was fast becoming hate. I never expected those sort of feelings to arise in this friendship, and I would rather leave it alone now, than it descend into a mutual headlock where nothing can be salvaged because I can't bring myself to agree with the choices you have made.

The funny thing is, in my position, I suspect you'd feel the very same.

In which I blabber. Alot.

Yesterday I finally got the DVD I was in, a NuArt production for my local Housing Association to talk about the homeless people they re-home. I talked about it a few months ago, when I got all huffy over the fact that homeless people aren't treated with the dignity or respect they deserve, or in fact, need. I still feel strongly about it, but, for now, it'll have to be one more thing that's shelved until I can give it the time it needs.

And I will do it.

Eventually.

The DVD was quite good, and I think it would be very helpful to send copies to hostels around the city, to show that yes, there is hope for finding a place of your own. It certainly helped that I got the last word in it! They spoke to three other new tenants, beside myself, in our new homes, and each of our stories, while being very different, were oh so familiar. One guy said that his pride was what stopped him from asking for help at first, and man, I can sing that particular song!

With the DVD, I was also sent this lovely crystal paperweight with PHA's symbol and logo, which is "people, places, opportunities."

I've never known a logo to suit so well. The PHA treated me like a person, not another homeless reject, and provided me with a security I haven't felt in such a long time.With no emotional obligations to me, they simply treated me with decency, heard my story, and gave me a lifeline. A home of my own. Unless you've ever been  in a similar position - I pray you haven't even though too many are - I can't really articulate the feelings that coursed through when I knew I was seeing that light of the end of a very dark, very long, tunnel.

In it's most basic form - I was a person, given a place, which provided me with all my opportunities. I would not have a job I enjoy, my everloving and long suffering boyfriend now shares my address, my bed (as well as his DVD's!), in short, a comfortable life, and freaking snake of all things!

Seriously, how gorram cute is he? He's such a show off, loves the attention!

*BONUS PIC*

As soon as the camera is out, he's all, ooh, get me close up! heh heh

Anyway, sorry.... I was saying... PHA are awesome. I love my life right now and I've got them to thank for it. I'm glad I could say as much for them. As soon as I can, I'm going to try to put the vid, at least my parts, online. I'll have to ask them first, but I don't see there being a problem - hopefully!

Ok.

So.

Let's try this.

I'm not dealing with this very well, and that, in itself, it more of a shock than I anticipated. At first, I was more upset at the situation, and for the two main players than for myself, but now...

Today was a bad day at work. Not bad because it was a bad day at work, but because I spent the entire day merely existing, and floating through time in a way I've not been in a long time. I say it's a down swing, but it's swinging down too low for comfort. This is bad.

So I have to admit that this is affecting me. And this makes things difficult. Because it's now making me angry at the push into my shaky piece of mind.

But who, or what, to be angry at? I'm not angry at them, I think. There's no point being being angry at something no-one can control. It's just shit. And I know out of this, I'm not suffering even half as badly as they are.

But I'm heartbroken and I need something to blame it on.

Tomorrow will be an empty day.