Have no sympathy...

... for I brought it on myself! Hangovers are bad, but I never seem to remember how bad until I'm suffering through one! I'm feeling very sorry for myself of course, but no matter. I'm not touching the demon drink for a while. And yes, when I say that I tend to stick to it for a long while!

It was a great night though. Went to my friend Richy's (and adopted wee bro!) new house, the first he's lived in with his lovely fiancee, Toni, and his older brother Tony (yeah it gets confusing!) was over from Dublin, so it was a much needed reunion! Two bottles of red and half a bottle of Jack later... don'tcha just love the crap you talk about when you're drunk? It was brilliant to see them all, and totally worth the hangover! Maybe next time I won't drink quite so much... but then the likelihood of that happening is even lower than me dying my hair blonde!

Right now I'm going Gof's mates house for curry... and definitely NO booze!

Breaking up is hard... thank god I'm not!

OK, had to get that in quickly before I got a million questions asking if Gof and I are ok. We are, extremely amazing. In fact, I'm only reminded of how lucky I am, compared to what my friends are going through. I never would wish this on my worst enemy (if I had one), and right now I'm seeing it played out before my eyes.

If someone has enriched your life so much, why does it have to end badly? I understand that relationships don't always last, but does it have to go from love to hate? I can't imagine even hating my ex so much, and even though the breakup was a hard, painful one, now that the dust has settled I only look back on it with happiness. We were happy, once, and that relationship and that person shaped who I am today, so I can't hate him for that.

Is it that maybe breakups seem unnatural? That maybe the guilt of leaving a person turns to a sort of loathing for them, for inspiring that guilt? I can understand that, somewhat. I hate the idea of breaking someone's heart, and would hate myself for doing it, no matter how right it was.

Maybe there is no right way of breaking up with someone. Breakups are rarely mutual, even if both know it's for the best, and someone will always be hurt. Someone will always be the one being told it's over. It's all very well thinking, ok, we had a good run, go now in peace and happiness, but the reality is always tears, screaming matches, accusations and fights over the DVD's. Respect and honesty get sidelined and you lose sight of why you loved that person. Racing towards a quick break, making the wrong decisions, forcing that person to hate you so that it's 'easier' for you both.

My mind is racing. I'm remembering the mistakes I made and I'm confusing them with what other people have done. Round in circles, and it's a horrible trap. I never want to do that to Gof, but I'm a realist. I know we might not last.

No. I refuse to start that again. I'm not thinking about the might be's, just on the solid here and now.

Meh. Rant over.

When I close my eyes...

I never want to stop listening to this. Incubus have long been a favourite band of mine, simply because what they write is pure poetry. Every one of their songs have a deeper meaning, and you can delve into the words for hours. I've honestly felt the singer, Brandon Boyd, his lust in 'Here In My Room', his anger in 'Blood On The Ground', and his optimism in 'Drive'. I was gonna go on, but this particular post is about a particular song.

Under My Umbrella (please don't confuse it with the Rhianna song!) is my current favourite, as religion, and my own choices on religion, weigh heavy on on my mind. I've always said I'm Pagan, I believe, no - belief implies doubt - I know, that nature should be worshipped as the amazing entity it is. I've always been moved by the simple power of a flower, and always knew that in this world of duality, it really made no sense to me worshipping the ONE GOD. Now, please don't be offended if this is your choice, I don't disrespect the religion (only those who abuse the religion for their own ends, but more on that later), but for me, as a personal choice, it didn't work. Everywhere I look, I see equal yet opposite partners. It's even in our DNA, with the double helix. I worship what can be seen, the sometimes terrible beauty of this world, and the secrets hidden within it, so easily found, if only we look.

As a result, I try to live life as respectfully as possible. I live a vintage lifestyle, with the creedo 'make do and mend'. I give to charity. I grow herbs (when the cat's not eating them!), I give thanks daily for the blessings in my life. I try hard not to jump to anger when simple understanding will work better all round. I'm trying to improve my life, and hope that this will create a ripple effect, for those around me who also want to improve themselves. I'm alot more forgiving of my own flaws, and I feel, as a result, a lot more forgiving of what I consider flaws in other people.

I don't mind as much, when people try to 'convert' me to their way of thinking, I know they're probably as passionate about their beliefs as I am mine. In saying that though, I don't mind when they respect my choices. The fire and brimstone, death to the west, you're wrong I'm right crowd, whatever they claim to be, Christians, Muslims, Krishnas, etc, still really bother me. By forcing religion on people, coercing them into a belief system they don't want to understand, isn't that, in essence, going against the religion they profess to be a part of? Faith is such a personal thing, and it needs to lift your heart and make your fingers tingle! (or maybe that last part is just me!) True love in what you worship only comes when you choose to.

...
Ok, as usual, when talking about religion, I've babbled on too long, so I'll come back to it, but for now, here's the song, lyrics underneath, 'Under My Umbrella'. Enjoy!

When I close my eyes... I can see for miles.
There's comfort in my dark seat... and chaos in the aisles.

These eyes are not your eyes
and these eyes are not the color that your arid eyes might be.
No, I was not around
when those eyes of yours decided so
I refuse to kneel before the sights you choose to see.

When I close my eyes... I remember why I smile.
Under my umbrella... I'm an accomplished exile.

These eyes are not your eyes
and these eyes are not the color that your arid eyes might be.
No, I was not around
when those eyes of yours decided so
I refuse to kneel before the sights you choose to see!

If this is right, I'd rather be wrong.
If this is sight, I'd rather be blind.

Completed Fallout 3! *happy dance*

I'm waaay too obsessed with that game to be a girl. I've recently came to a conclusion though, that my indulgences in make up, shoes and lingerie balance out my love of comics, console games, and football.

That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's 6.47am and I'm off to bed.

It's not so easy....

This is me. I'm Nicki, a 24 year old spoilt brat. I know it. I'm also the luckiest person in the world. I have people around me who make me a better person. Without them, I'm guessing I'd still be lost in that state of depression I was in, a place I can't imagine now. I'm so very, very aware, that even though I have worked to pull myself out of that, (and boy, did I ever!) I simply would not be breathing today if not for the continuing support of these people. I'm the first to admit life isn't perfect, but for the first time in my life, that doesn't bother me as much as it once did. Of course, it bothers me enough to have the ambition to change certain aspects of my life, but no more "sea of despair" (Oh yeah, I really did say that! I was emo before it was cool!)

This is Gof, my amazing boyfriend, who has changed me in ways I can't even begin to analyse, in just 18 months. His calmness, his easy-going, take-life-at-face-value attitude, tempers the flame of my own, very fiery, personality. Expecting nothing, and so generous with his love and kindness, I've stopped waiting for something to go wrong and I have learned to kick back and enjoy our life together. There's no more questions. I've always been caught between my strong sense of independence and craving for a monogamous commitment, even though I didn't ever understand the need of monogamy (blame daddy for that). I'm still working on my somewhat warped views on relationships, but now, I know I can work on it with him. Our love story won't end in a marriage, neither of us wants or needs that. I hate the very phrase, "end in a marriage". That sounds like the relationship is over, instead of the new chapter it's supposed to signify. But I digress. I love him, and we will be together for as long as it's supposed to last. I can't ask for anything more.

This is Emma. She's the Twitch to my Babble (and if you have to ask why we're nicknamed so...) We're dangerous. We go dancing and drink too much, take loads of pictures and delight in acting silly. And then there's the confidence. Secret sharing. The trust that we'll always be there for each other. Through the petty annoyances, the separation when we've just spent *too* much time together, I know, without doubt, we would drop everything for each other. Always and forever. Ours is the sort of friendship you know will stand the test of time, because we've already been through what would kill any old friendship, and survived. We love each each, not in spite of our flaws, rather because they exist. Who she is makes the person I love, and I do, very much.

Lastly (for now!)is Maffu. My hero. He and I have a relationship that, over 4 years of trying, can't be defined. All I know is this - I would be dead now if it wasn't for him, and his unwavering support through one of the toughest times in my life. This is no mere exaggeration, I know I'm prone to that. It's a simple fact. I can only guess now at what hell I put him though, when I was sinking in the aforementioned "sea of despair". We were lovers, best friends, co-dependant on each other. He and his amazing family welcomed me into their heart and home, and I'm here, loved, because they placed that nugget of hope in my soul. He helped me grow. He saw me through things I hated about myself, and helped me acknowledge some (well, most) of my flaws, and how to cope with them. I can only hope I can one day do something to thank him for all that he's done. It'll be a tough one to equal!

I don't even want to think of the possibility of these three amazing people not being in my life. So I won't. I give thanks daily that they exist in my world, and that they make this unemployed, manic depressed, overweight girl the luckiest in the world.

An Open Letter To Everyone I Know: I am a Wiccan witch.

I do not worship Satan; I am not interested in Satan. Satan was invented by the Christians. Satanism is a form of Christianity. I am not a Christian. I don't go to church on Sunday. Jesus is NOT my saviour. He was simply a holy man who lived 2,000 years ago. I am not afraid of going to Hell because I don't believe in Hell any more than I believe in Satan. I believe in reincarnation; that I will come back to this world or another and live out another life. I am not evil. But telling people I am a "good witch" is wrong. There are evil people in the world, and there are people who chose to work with the forces of nature in a way that harms others; those people do NOT follow the same path I do, Wicca. The central law of being Wiccan is: "if it harms none, do as you will". Please don't ask me about sacrificing cats or desecrating churches. I love my cat. And I don't go into churches or synagogues unless a friend from that religion invites me to some special occasion. And if I DO enter a church, I am not stuck by lightning. And if a Christian or Jew or a Buddhist came to a pagan ritual, our gods would not strike them dead either. Isn't that something to think about? Wearing a pentacle is no different than a cross, crucifix, or Star of David. If you want me to take off the symbol of MY religion because it's offensive, you need to make everyone of every religion do that. The five points of the star signify the four elements of Earth, Air, Fire & Water, and the fifth point is Spirit; encircled by the World. How that can offend anyone boggles my little pagan mind. An image of a tortured, dying man is more offensive, yet thousands of people openly wear crucifixes every day. Also, don't ask me if I'm in a "coven" in that half-horrified, half-fascinated tone of voice. If I want to talk about my coven, I will bring it up. If I am a solitary practitioner, I have no coven to discuss. In any case, our rituals have candles, food, drink, poetry, dancing...yes there is a knife but it only cuts the air, not anyone's flesh. I don't drink blood. I am not a vampire. I enjoy vampire lore, that's all. I wear black because it keeps negativity away and it looks better on me than orange and purple polka dots. If you want to ask me something related to MY religion, ask me when the next full moon is. Or the next blue moon. Or what a blue moon IS. Ask me about herbs. Crystals. Healing. Even ask me to make you a love potion. But I don't cast spells on other people and I won't cast a spell on you to make you prettier, thinner, more desirable. And I won't cast a spell on your crush to make him/her love you. Trust me, you don't want that, you don't want the karma that involves, and neither do I! That's a form of manipulation, taking away someone's power, infringing on their free will. Not nice at all. Spell work is about co-creation. A witch works with universal energy, with the Goddess amd God. Need money? Don't try to ensorcel your boss to give you a raise. Simply ask the universe to increase the flow of abundance in your direction. That infringes on NO ONE'S free will. One last thing: giving me a book about the Burning Times is not funny and is rude. I'm sorry it happened but those poor people were NOT persecuted for living the Wiccan way. Wicca didn't exsist then. Please don't try to make me ashamed of whom I worship and what I am. Please don't try to convert me or "save" me. Don't throw holy water on me. Don't leave horrible notes on my website. I don't need to be saved. Witches are proud of the fact that we don't recruit people to become witches. We simply ARE, and those around us see how we think, how we act, and our inner peace, and only when someone says, "how do I become a witch?" do we take them into the fold with us. I will never leave a religious credo with anyone. I don't have one, unless you count this letter. And I am not asking you to convert. I am only asking you to understand. If you don't want to understand, just leave me alone.

Blessed Be

Back from the depression...

... I was very upset when I lost my job. I'm still unemployed, but I can't ignore the fact I've not blogged here any longer. I miss it, even though I've been blogging (somewhat) over my favourite .ning. community, I do miss here.

A few changes, in keeping with the New Year. I'm moving some posts over here, making it less of a coffee shop blog (since, for now, I don't HAVE one) and more of an allrounder. I'm changing how it looks too, and I'm gonna start actively encouraging people to visit. If for no other reason, than conversation creates a wider dialogue, and I want to have that here.

And that's that!

But still... anyone need a barista? :P

Miz