Wednesday, 7 January 2009

It's not so easy....

This is me. I'm Nicki, a 24 year old spoilt brat. I know it. I'm also the luckiest person in the world. I have people around me who make me a better person. Without them, I'm guessing I'd still be lost in that state of depression I was in, a place I can't imagine now. I'm so very, very aware, that even though I have worked to pull myself out of that, (and boy, did I ever!) I simply would not be breathing today if not for the continuing support of these people. I'm the first to admit life isn't perfect, but for the first time in my life, that doesn't bother me as much as it once did. Of course, it bothers me enough to have the ambition to change certain aspects of my life, but no more "sea of despair" (Oh yeah, I really did say that! I was emo before it was cool!)

This is Gof, my amazing boyfriend, who has changed me in ways I can't even begin to analyse, in just 18 months. His calmness, his easy-going, take-life-at-face-value attitude, tempers the flame of my own, very fiery, personality. Expecting nothing, and so generous with his love and kindness, I've stopped waiting for something to go wrong and I have learned to kick back and enjoy our life together. There's no more questions. I've always been caught between my strong sense of independence and craving for a monogamous commitment, even though I didn't ever understand the need of monogamy (blame daddy for that). I'm still working on my somewhat warped views on relationships, but now, I know I can work on it with him. Our love story won't end in a marriage, neither of us wants or needs that. I hate the very phrase, "end in a marriage". That sounds like the relationship is over, instead of the new chapter it's supposed to signify. But I digress. I love him, and we will be together for as long as it's supposed to last. I can't ask for anything more.

This is Emma. She's the Twitch to my Babble (and if you have to ask why we're nicknamed so...) We're dangerous. We go dancing and drink too much, take loads of pictures and delight in acting silly. And then there's the confidence. Secret sharing. The trust that we'll always be there for each other. Through the petty annoyances, the separation when we've just spent *too* much time together, I know, without doubt, we would drop everything for each other. Always and forever. Ours is the sort of friendship you know will stand the test of time, because we've already been through what would kill any old friendship, and survived. We love each each, not in spite of our flaws, rather because they exist. Who she is makes the person I love, and I do, very much.

Lastly (for now!)is Maffu. My hero. He and I have a relationship that, over 4 years of trying, can't be defined. All I know is this - I would be dead now if it wasn't for him, and his unwavering support through one of the toughest times in my life. This is no mere exaggeration, I know I'm prone to that. It's a simple fact. I can only guess now at what hell I put him though, when I was sinking in the aforementioned "sea of despair". We were lovers, best friends, co-dependant on each other. He and his amazing family welcomed me into their heart and home, and I'm here, loved, because they placed that nugget of hope in my soul. He helped me grow. He saw me through things I hated about myself, and helped me acknowledge some (well, most) of my flaws, and how to cope with them. I can only hope I can one day do something to thank him for all that he's done. It'll be a tough one to equal!

I don't even want to think of the possibility of these three amazing people not being in my life. So I won't. I give thanks daily that they exist in my world, and that they make this unemployed, manic depressed, overweight girl the luckiest in the world.

2 comments:

magestic-kitten said...

<3 you are loved, and cared about darlin'. I can't tell you how happy I am that you exist, because you'll make my decision to move much easier than just moving to be with Chris.

Miz said...

Thank you sweetie :) I simply CAN NOT wait til you're here for good... the fun we'll have, and those poor ickle boys... :P

Seriously, I'm so happy you and Doc found each other, because it means we found each other too, and I'm alittle bit spoilt like that!

xx