Sunday, 31 January 2010

And so, it happens...

Gof and I have been together for just over two years now. We have never had a serious argument, never gone to bed angry, never lied or hid something from each other. It hasn't always been easy - in fact, it has NEVER been easy, our blossoming relationship was hit by my eviction from Tarfside Oval, and continued on through hostels I had to stay in, a private flat I couldn't afford (to get OUT of said hostels), staying with friends (and the hassles that produced), back into a hostel, until now, I'm becoming more settled in an amazing flat I still can't quite believe is mine.

I've tried so many times to break it off. Not because I don't love him - but because I do. Life with me, and for me, hasn't been easy for such a long time, and I hated putting him through that. Never knowing where I was sleeping that night, or worse, knowing I had to go back to a hostel (as much as the last one was great, and I appreciate everything they did for me there... it's still a hostel), never having enough money to eat, travel, live - well, mood swing Central! Poor Gof couldn't ever predict whether I would be full of the joys of spring, hopeful and positive things would get better, or so depressed that nothing was ever going to go right ever, so I may as well give up. I hated doing that to him. I hated myself.

But he never gave up on me. On us. Never walked away, although lord knows I gave him plenty of ammunition, plenty of reasons to run from the monster I was being. I wouldn't have blamed him. I always thought he deserved better. Still do, really. Now I know he does, simply because he refused to leave me. He has such strength, and so much love and compassion, and I am absolutely certain he deserves better.

So I will be better. I am, already getting there. Instead of telling myself to break it off because he deserves better, I am telling myself to become that person he should have. Already the decision has impacted our lives. He sees how happy and settled I feel. Despite all the issues in our lives, our relationship on it's own has never left the honeymoon state, and now, that feeling has deepened into something more. It's nothing I can explain, but we both feel it. It's settled, full of joy, lusty, wow moments, giggles, serious conversations, and comfort. It's more than that. It's absolutely life-changing.

Since the 24th of November, 2009, I have been in a flat I can afford, a beautifully appointed, clean, blank canvas of a house I am slowly, but carefully making a home. But not just any home. I am making a home for us. Gof doesn't live with me as of yet, but I already want, not.. need, to make this a home we'll both know is ours. After all, it's only a matter of time, and as much as I can't wait for the day his post arrives at mine, we are being very careful - we've both lived with people before, and I know there is mistakes I made I don't want to repeat, so I guess he does too.

We've already laid out each of our bottom lines. I want a home with antique furniture, he wants somewhere to hang his band posters. I want the hall to look like a mini gallery, full of my friend's artwork, he wants a display case to show off his collector's items. We both want each of our wages to remain our own, but split the household bills 50/50 in a joint account. There's more, of course, but basically, we are happy with the choices we've made for our co-habitation!

I've never seen the point of getting married. The marriages I grew up seeing? Well, they left a lot to be desired, and a bitter taste in my mouth. People either despairing of or despising each other, but forced to grow old together because divorce just "wasn't the done thing". Staying together for the kids, when those kids grew up thinking a relationship was supposed to be like that, falling into loveless, abusive relationships themselves and calling it love. Or if there was a divorce, the pain and hate of the failure, seeping into the core of a person until all that's left is bitching about who should pay for what and fighting over the kids/dogs/DVD's. And weddings? No thanks! Spending yourselves into debt you'll be paying off the rest of your natural, to make sure you have the perfect dress, venue, buffet, band, reception yada yada yada..... all that money, and the arguments about flower arrangements, food, bridesmaids (do we really need 12?) - the "happy" couple forget about love and start thinking about wedding presents, a honeymoon in Hawaii, and whether a dress to be worn for a few hours on one day should cost hundreds or thousands.

Screw that. I'm never doing that!

That's what I've said for years. I didn't get it, didn't want to, didn't need to. I am happy knowing he loves me and I love him. It's true.

But now.. something's changed. I realise now that I don't care about a big cookie cutter wedding, bridesmaids and all that hoopla. What I care about, is saying, in front of people we both care about, that I love him with all my heart and I don't see that changing. I want to grow old, his hand in mine, and find out what life has in store for us. I want to celebrate that we, together, got through this bad time, and together, we can do anything.

So yeah, I am doing that, after all.

We're getting married.

We're going to stand together, husband and wife, and walk through life in matching strides, and be always what we mean to each now.

I fell hard for this man. Hook, line and sinker. And the most amazing part? He fell the same for me.

I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Friday, 29 January 2010

Looking forward to it!

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple. 

Jenny Joseph 

***Normal service will resume soon!***

Saturday, 16 January 2010

Well well...

Food poisoning has had me housebound for the past week. A particularly bad dose, my doctor said, but the silver lining is I've lost 5lbs without trying, so I'm using that to kickstart my weight loss in the New Year. My stomach has shrunk from the not not eating much, and I have no intention of expanding it out again!

But on to nicer things. I'm officially back looking for work. I signed myself back to Jobseeker's Allowance, and I'm grabbing as much help as I can from whoever is offering it - from agencies to charities, I'll look for work knowing I have plenty of support.

I know I can go back to work, I crave the dual challenge and routine having a job will give me, and I'm emotionally in a better place than I have been in years. I'm just worried, I suppose, about two things. Firstly, that I'll run before I walk and rush into something I can't handled after being out of work so long, and secondly, explaining to any potential employers why I've been out of work for so long. It won't be an easy discussion.

You know the weirdest thing? When I was calling the different departments about switching over to Jobseeker's, they were all so, so shocked when they learned this wasn't something I was forced to do, rather, I chose to make the switch and start looking for a job. When they discovered I had went to my doctor of my own volition, and discussed the possibility of returning to work, rather than being told I had to - well, let's say the calls got a lot more cordial. Mostly, they thought they would be dealing with someone who was being forced, kicking and screaming, but to earning a (an?) honest crust.

But that's all I want to do. Work my day, go home, and look around my little piece of mine, and know I've bought each piece with money I've earned. To look in my bank account and know that the money there is money I worked for, every penny, not cash put there for me to survive on until two weeks time.

Anyone know of anything going? I'm not being picky!

PS. the announcement I alluded to in an earlier post? It is coming, I promise! Unforeseen delays mean I can't say now, but all will be explained in due course!

Monday, 4 January 2010

The Not The Resolutions List for 2010

I want to discover new bands, new music. Online, gigs, anywhere!

I want to remind everyone they are absolutely beautiful, just the way they are.

I want to go to bed knowing I've done the dishes.

I want to make sure Gof knows at all times he is loved very very much.

I want to indulge in my girlie side without feeling like I look like I want to be a little girl.

I want to write more often.

I want to decide.

I want to take my make up off every night.

I want to stick to a food plan, not a diet.

I want to see my flat grow into my home.

I want to stick at a job.

I want to find joy in what I do.

I want to see my family more often.

I want to create beautiful things.

I want to go to more burlesque shows.

I want my savings to be savings, not emergency money.

I want to let go of the hurt.

I want to wear something each day that has no purpose other than being lovely.

I want to take more pictures.

I want to reach for the stars....

Sunday, 3 January 2010

A(nother) small update.

I'm a bit broken right now. I'm literally battered and bruised. Some people just shouldn't drink. No, scratch that - some people shouldn't drink and then bust into someone's home to cause trouble. Especially when that someone is your estranged sister and she has a home filled with people who love her. Especially a few small hours after the New Year bells have rung. Yes, a grown woman beat me because I wouldn't allow her to go near my dear friend. That lovely lady is suffering physical and mental pains, which this grown woman, full of jealously, bitter hate and alcohol, knew all about. And yet, still wanted to attack her own sister in a completely unprovoked rage.

I could repeat what happened over and over again and still it doesn't make sense. Every family has their issues, this I know (and don't we all!), but the vile blackness spewing from that, that thing's mouth... it's worse than the attack on me. Her other sister, a woman I've met before and disliked on sight because of her petty behaviour has joined in, and took the side of that drunken maniac. My friend, my amazingly generous friend, now needs to go through life knowing her own sisters hate her that much - and for no real reason. Jealously is a powerful, destructive thing.

Since then, things have only got worse. There have been death threats, and threats towards any (as yet unborn) children my friend may have, both of them threatening her with this since she dared go to the police.

The police are involved, and there has been a charge of assault for what that woman done to me. Statements taken, and pictures of my injuries have been done today. I hope, for my friend, for her husband too, that her darling sister is punished to the full extent of the law. I hope that her other sister is similarly charged for the threats.

...and to think, these women have sons. How ashamed must they be? Those poor boys.