Wednesday, 27 May 2009

NEED>>> LOVE>>> HAVE!!!!

That is all!

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

I've been working on a cocktail...

Nope, can't stop listening to it :P

So, so far today, the square root of jiggery all has been accomplished. Got out of bed at 8.50, and was straight on the phone to the Crisis Loan department. Ah, my usual fortnightly-on-a-Tuesday routine. How fun. After being on hold for about 25 mins, when I'd much rather have accompanied G to his MRI scan (to see if he broke any small bones in his flying over the handlebars trick the other day), I went through the WHOLE DARN STORY yet again for another faceless name who only seen me as data. I should have a special worker, the business I keep them in. He seemed to take a special interest in my case, or maybe he didn't believe that much could happen to one person, and put me on hold to "check the progress" of my claim.

Further to my post Endurance I have received, filled in (with help from the wonderful Citizens Advice Bureau) and sent by recorded delivery, a BRAND SPANKING NEW CLAIM with the whole sorry story of my previous efforts inside. They admit to having received it, but it hasn't been "processed" yet.

When he came back, he informed me that my claim was in a stasis, that I had to wait. Oh goodie. More waiting. He also told me that since I had been paid UP TO today, I get no deniro until tomorrow, when I have to call back up and go through the whole rigmirole AGAIN.

Right now, my life consists of begging for money. I should take to the streets, it's more honest.

I had a job interview on Saturday, that lasted 5 mins. I get the feeling it was to see what I looked like, it was for bar work, and the other bar staff were on the modelesque side. Meh, I doubt I'll get a callback! I even got a knockback from McDonald's for bleeps sake. How utterly lame.

But still, after I stop bitching here, I shall go have a cuppa herbal tea, and a workout. Showered, then prettified, I shall brave the rain and walk the half mile down to my doctors. Something tells me I'm gonna need the help.


I won't let the bastards grind me down. This morning's tears are gone. My eyes will dry. I shall rise above this, Phoenix-like, and one day, I will be secure in the knowledge this made me a better person.

Monday, 25 May 2009


So, I've done a playlist on my phone to listen to when I'm out and about. Happy songs, song with a good beat, songs that remind me of, well, me, at a more active time in my life. And do you know what? It's working!

Mr. Brightside - The Killers
Affirmation - Savage Garden
Shattered Glass - Britney Spears
Don't Bother - Shakira
Violent Pornography - SOAD
What's My Age Again - Blink 182
She Caught The Katy - Blues Brother OST
Coffee and TV - Blur
Halo - Collide
Monkey Wrench - Foo Fighters
Smooth Criminal - Alien Ant Farm
I Like The Way You Move - Bodyrockers
Why Do You Love Me - Garbage
Killing In The Name - RATM
Beating Heart Baby - Head Automatica
Bubble Pop Electic - Gwen Stefani
Morning View (album) - Incubus
Bring Your Daughter... To The Slaughter - Iron Maiden
Can I Play With Madness - Iron Maiden
Breakthru - Queen
Walla Walla - The Offspring
Devil With The Black Dress On - Jack Off Jill
Minutes To Midnight - Linkin Park
Tourniquet - Marilyn Manson
Post Human - Marilyn Manson
Feuer Frei - Rammstein
Higher Ground - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Feelin' Love - Paula Cole
New Disease - Spineshank
Laid - James
Carry On Dancing - Savage Garden
Painted On my Heart - The Cult
Romeo & Juliet OST
You've Got The Love - The Source
Freebird - Lynyrd Skynyrd
Respect - Pink
Wherever I May Roam - Metallica
Lapdance - N.E.R.D
Sunday Morning - No Doubt
The Heart Of Everything (album) - Within Temptation

What can I say? I'd put more music on it if I could! This is based on what Gof has on his PC... if only I had mine on :D

Oh, and I'd have this one on too if I had it!

Sunday, 24 May 2009

If I start, maybe I'll finish.

I'm feeling, oh, I don't know, like inspiration should strike and I'm not quite sure why it hasn't yet.

***Things to accomplish this week***

Hand in/e-mail at least four different places with CV/applications, begging for a job.
Be ruthless - bin unworn/unwanted/unloved clothes in the charity shop.
Find foot pedal to sewing machine.
STOP BUYING LOOK MAGAZINE!!! Limit oneself to two magazines a month, Scarlet & Marie Claire.
Have at least 3 half hour sessions (15 mins aerobics, 15 mins yoga) on the Wii Fit
Have at least 3 quarter hour sessions on the Wii Personal Trainer
Lavish oneself with a throughly pampered evening, hair, mani/pedi and pluckage!
Watch Mannequin 2. Just coz!
Clean out make up case. Bin unneeded makeup dangit!
Find circus/burlesque acts for Repo night.
Bring my bike home!
Tend to my poor G, who was in a little bicylce accident (nothing serious darlings, male ego bruised mostly!)
Contact DWP yet again for news on this blooming claim.
Stay cheerful!

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Just the shock I needed...

So I've been bitching about losing weight for a while. I'm happiest at a (UK) size 12 and right now, I'm a 16. I've been this size about a year now, and I'm hating it. I'd kinda love to be one of those woman who love their bodies regardless of the size, but honestly, I don't.

I don't look in mirror unless it's to focus on my face for make up. I don't like getting my picture taken. Out of sight, out of mind. I may bitch about being fat, a size 16, but whats that? 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18, 20, etc, it's only numbers. I can't really see the shape my body is. Like I said, I don't take pictures of myself.

But last weekend, someone did, on my phone. I don't remember who it was (another reason I've given up the demon drink for now) and I don't remember it being taken. All I know is, when I just put all my pics from my phone onto the computer, I saw it, and have sat here crying for 10 solid minutes.

I... I didn't realise I was so big.

Now it all makes sense. My back constantly hurts, I feel constantly bloated and I just feel so lethargic all the time. My skin is in a state, and even my second chin now has a third.

Game over.

I've had a few shots on the wii fit, I enjoy it, but I still eat crap. Wheat-filled crap. This can't be allowed to continue.

So, to shame myself into actually doing something this time, I've decided to do it publicly.

For comparison... (and yes, G is grabbing my ass. I'm lucky that I have a man who wants me at any size!)

The only picture I have on this pc at my ideal size to begin, then... me, drunk, on Friday night.


Just the shock I needed.

Today, I am 13 st 11lbs.

Ask me again in two weeks.

Monday, 18 May 2009

To hold in my memory

I should pay more attention to this little piece of me. I would love to be the sort of blogger who writes about everything, but really, unless I'm really not feeling right, I tend to edit what I write here. Maybe, I just don't want to have to remember certain things in the future.

But still, I would love to remember that

*I melt down quite often, but I've discovered an iron core within me, a unwillingness to quit, even though I sometime want to.
*I've also discovered a softer side, I'm more romantic than my old cynical self was - I like it
*I can't stick to one style. Much as I would love to, I can't pick between gothic, vintage, Indian, French country, American shabby chic. I'm rock chick, cowgirl, gothic bollywood princess who loves what I love, and I don't want that to change.
*I still forget things unless I write EVERYTHING down (eg. I've agreed to babysit Friday because from my diary I was free, but have since discovered I was supposed to be going to a birthday party... didn't write it down :S)
*After 2 years of almost daily contact, G still gives me shivers when he kisses me.
*Most of my blog post starts from a very different place to where they end up, this one was called "I feel...", now, given the direction it's taken, I'll call it something else.
*I love hoovering.
*I still hold the hope, that one day, I'll get into the habit of daily body brush scrubs before my shower.
*Mac and I bully G. But it's funny.
*I have resolved to not drink for a month, after a particularly bad experience at the weekend (I'll tell you another time) - I've not told anyone so far, it's my personal goal.
*I'm looking for the perfect baby blue nail polish, just because.
*I've not wore make up for a week now - but I don't mind as much as I thought I would.

Now, I'm off to finish painting my nails (coral!) and watch American Dad.


Tuesday, 12 May 2009


As you may know, it's the 12 May 2009. Since March 15 2009, I have lost my job, my home and most importantly, my grip on the little sanity I have. My mood swings are as bad as they've ever been, and sometimes I struggle to hold on. Sometimes I feel invincible, like nothing will touch me no matter how bad things get. Sometimes, I sink so far I feel like I'm drowning and no amount of anything will help me reach the surface.

It's quite ridiculous, really.

Right now, I'm waiting on a phone call. I'm waiting on this phone call to tell me my fate. I called this morning, and spilt my sorry tale to yet another call centre employee for the DWP. They told me to call back in half an hour if I hadn't received a call back from her supervisor. I didn't, so I did. Then I spoke to another woman, who told me the supervisor had gone on his lunch, and when he came back, she would talk with him then call me back.

In the meantime, Lil Miz has called me, and told me due to an internal error at the DWP (imagine!) she is registered as living in Grimsby. She's never lived in England in her life.

Still, I wait. Since March 17, two days after I lost my job, I have tried repeatedly to claim for a benefit I wish I didn't need. First the contact centre sent my claim to the wrong department. Then the wrong department refused to pass my claim onto the right department til they had looked at it, a process that take 10 working days. Then, in transit between the two departments, my files simply disappeared. All the while, as I was receiving no benefit, I was receiving no housing benefit.

**Aside, I've just been called back. The manager of the New Claims is actually walking now, as I type, to the processing department, to put it in the hands of their staff, instead of using the internal mail. I am assured I should receive a phone call from that department, and the lady I have just spoken too will call me at around 2.30 to make sure they do.**

With no money to my name, and only £76 a fortnight to live on (through crisis loans), I couldn't give my flatmate money for the bills and such. I was ashamed, and hid at my lovely G's house, reasoning with myself I wasn't using up electricity at my flat I couldn't pay for, nor use the Internet or TV. Hoping that it would all get sorted soon, and in the meantime, my flatmate would understand my difficulties. She didn't. Even after daily phone calls, sometime 2 and 3 a day (today has already been 3 phone calls), most made at the expense of G and his flatmate, I wasn't any closer to a resolution. The staff I spoke to were either sympathetic yet unable to help, or rude and downright useless. I was made to feel worthless, undeserving, yet another scrounge off the system. It was around this time I was also advised to stay off the job hunt. If I got a job, all the backdate money problems would probably quietly disappear. I'd get nothing.

**Another phone call, from the processing centre. They have my claim, and I have just recounted the history I'm telling you now. Strictly facts, of course. No emotion allowed. Since my original documents have gone missing, my old doctor refuses to sign me another sick line, to cover me from the dates of 15 March til when I had to join another practice. My new doctor will no doubt refuse too. Since I can't provide new evidence, I will not receive a backdate, equaling to over £400. I will still have to pay pack the money from the crisis loans I have received in this time. Ironic. I could have been looking for a job all this time.

So, on the 8th April, I was texted, and booted, from the flat I shared with Julie. To do as she did, when she did, I will never forgive. But I refuse to dwell on that.

Friends, true friends, rallied round. In these times, they have no money to share, but one gave me his spare room, knowing the situition, and they helped me move, got me settled, and listened patiently to me rant about the unfairness of it all.

A few days later, I informed the DWP of my change in address. Now in a different district, Glasgow requested my files from West Dunbartonshire. And requested. And requested. Finally, they filed a new claim for me, with a backdate request in the additional inforamtion, assuring me I would probably get as it was patently obvious none of this was my fault. They told ne that after I received my declaration of acceptance, basically a typed out version of the claim we filed over the phone, I was to sign it, and post it back, tout suite.
So I waited for it to arrive, eagerly anticapting a time where all this got sorted it at last and I could concentrate on getting fit for work again.

It never arrived.

Evantually, after too many phone calls, I was asked to visit my local jobcentre, where they could print out a copy of the declaration, I could sign it, and that would be that. I would receive comfirmation by post in 7 working days.

I didn't. Yesterday, I called the receiving centre. The advisor claimed I wasn't even on the system. I raged, and finally blew up. I demanded to speak to a supervisor. He told me one would call in the next few hours and discuss the matter. But, of course, there was no call.

So I'm left with today. And the news that even though I was never at fault, I will probably never see the money owed to me. With no backdate, I will also not receive any housing benefit backdate either. I had applied for a big crisis loan, on the 7 May 2009, for £380, equaling two months, as a pre-emptive attempt to make sure no matter what, I would not fall behind on my rent. I received the news this morning I wouldn't receive that either. I can appeal, of course, and I will. But essentially, all is gone, even my back up plan.

I don't know how long I can keep fighting the system for. I'm so very tired. I'll have no money to make rent, and I'll have to leave, again. They've almost won. I wonder how many people, like me, just want the help they need. Not to abuse the system... just, help.