Sunday, 23 May 2010

In which I blabber. Alot.

Yesterday I finally got the DVD I was in, a NuArt production for my local Housing Association to talk about the homeless people they re-home. I talked about it a few months ago, when I got all huffy over the fact that homeless people aren't treated with the dignity or respect they deserve, or in fact, need. I still feel strongly about it, but, for now, it'll have to be one more thing that's shelved until I can give it the time it needs.

And I will do it.


The DVD was quite good, and I think it would be very helpful to send copies to hostels around the city, to show that yes, there is hope for finding a place of your own. It certainly helped that I got the last word in it! They spoke to three other new tenants, beside myself, in our new homes, and each of our stories, while being very different, were oh so familiar. One guy said that his pride was what stopped him from asking for help at first, and man, I can sing that particular song!

With the DVD, I was also sent this lovely crystal paperweight with PHA's symbol and logo, which is "people, places, opportunities."

I've never known a logo to suit so well. The PHA treated me like a person, not another homeless reject, and provided me with a security I haven't felt in such a long time.With no emotional obligations to me, they simply treated me with decency, heard my story, and gave me a lifeline. A home of my own. Unless you've ever been  in a similar position - I pray you haven't even though too many are - I can't really articulate the feelings that coursed through when I knew I was seeing that light of the end of a very dark, very long, tunnel.

In it's most basic form - I was a person, given a place, which provided me with all my opportunities. I would not have a job I enjoy, my everloving and long suffering boyfriend now shares my address, my bed (as well as his DVD's!), in short, a comfortable life, and freaking snake of all things!

Seriously, how gorram cute is he? He's such a show off, loves the attention!


As soon as the camera is out, he's all, ooh, get me close up! heh heh

Anyway, sorry.... I was saying... PHA are awesome. I love my life right now and I've got them to thank for it. I'm glad I could say as much for them. As soon as I can, I'm going to try to put the vid, at least my parts, online. I'll have to ask them first, but I don't see there being a problem - hopefully!

Wednesday, 19 May 2010



Let's try this.

I'm not dealing with this very well, and that, in itself, it more of a shock than I anticipated. At first, I was more upset at the situation, and for the two main players than for myself, but now...

Today was a bad day at work. Not bad because it was a bad day at work, but because I spent the entire day merely existing, and floating through time in a way I've not been in a long time. I say it's a down swing, but it's swinging down too low for comfort. This is bad.

So I have to admit that this is affecting me. And this makes things difficult. Because it's now making me angry at the push into my shaky piece of mind.

But who, or what, to be angry at? I'm not angry at them, I think. There's no point being being angry at something no-one can control. It's just shit. And I know out of this, I'm not suffering even half as badly as they are.

But I'm heartbroken and I need something to blame it on.

Tomorrow will be an empty day.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

a little procrastination....

My sleeping pattern is all outta whack. It happens, when I'm on holiday for a week and I know have internet access (did I mention that?) and maybe I slept all day today. 

It was a migraine-induced coma, ok? I couldn't help it. Honest.

Anyway, now we're done with recriminations and such, we'll turn our heads to why I'm actually typing this at 2.00am, in my nightie and with cold feet.

No, it's not Repo, although that's what got me out of bed. Seriously, I gave up trying to sleep (again) when I realised I was watching the movie in my head.

I'm that obsessed. But more on that another time.

I've started thinking about the fact I'm attending my lovely wifey's daughter's communion this Sunday. I want to look nice, and appropriate for a Church. But sadly, I've realised most of my attire is... well... not exactly conservative. So, I've done what any girl would do this time of night. I took to Polyvore.

I'm swerving towards wearing a dress. Just because.

I love green. Especially when it's exactly the right shade against my red hair not to make me look like a Christmas tree.

Grey and pink is quite lovely, this time of year too ...

ok, ok, I got side tracked...

I spend way too much time online.

But the hunt for an appropriate outfit will continue tomorrow!


Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Ok, enough of the springform

I'm two days into my holiday and I think I've done the right level of relaxing and housework. But then, I would! I can't believe how much has changed in the few weeks G has been here, and really, it's exciting as it is frustrating to find space for his stuff! I joke, kinda. Right now, my home smells  and feels like a laundrette, I'm washing everyone we own because I think my skin doesn't quite like the last detergent I was using... itchy! It's a beautiful day outside, and I've got this feeling of... oh, I don't know... contentment. I know there's other things I could be doing, but right pottering about the house and listening to old favourites like this or this feels like exactly what I should be doing. I kinda love forgetting how much I love certain bands, because re-discovering them is such a treat.

You know what's weird? I write ALL the damn time when I'm on a down swing, like I need to get it out and maybe I'll not feel so desperate. But when I'm happy, I feel like, not I don't have anything to write, more I shouldn't write about it. It almost feels like I'm aware people know I'm just that little crazy, but if I'm happy about something, I shouldn't rub other people's faces in it. We all talk about about the fact we're miserable, even if the facts remain secret. But when the opposite occurs, the simple fact is we (or at least *I*) don't feel entirely comfortable telling the world that yes, I am doing quite well, thank you.

So yeah. I've made peace with my problems, and continue down a merry path of life. It's real, there's cracks in the pavement and I'm trying to walk with a surer step, careful not to slip, but if it happens, I know I can pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again. I'm not as scared of falling now. I know it'll happen from time to time, particularly when I'm not paying much attention. I'll get too distracted by simply living my life to worry about the cracks in the road all the time. I'd rather just fall occasionally than be on constant alert, not fully experiencing everything life is offering me because I'm too nervous about the outcome.

Being sensible is not the same as being on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I refuse to watch life from a distance just because it's safer. I want to fully participate in my life. I want to fuck up occasionally, because even now, I don't regret a single decision I've made, because it's led me here. Emotionally, mentally, physically.

The truth I've fought so hard to ignore is simply this. I'm not perfect. I wouldn't even want to be, really. Too much effort for not enough pay-off. And it would piss people off, being so damned perfect. I'll pass on that. It would breed an arrogance I just don't have in me. I'd rather be fallible. Imperfect. Real.

Plus... just think of those mistakes that'll turn into something amazing. I'm sure there's a few more of them in my future, providing I'm not too careful :P

Thursday, 6 May 2010

If you had to name 3 people in your life who were awesome, but under-appreciated by others, who would you pick out as deserving more love from the world?

everyone I know deserves love, and if they feel under-appreciated, they should feel, and be, entitled to speak up and tell the world "Pay attention!"

Ask me anything

Which of these -ism's do you think applies most to you: Solipsism; Nihilism; Determinism; Fatalism; Fallibilism; Absurdism; Bonism; Casualism; Gnosticism; Hedonism; Malism; Meliorism, or, is there another -ism that suits you better?

As much as I'd like to hold the ego I need to believe I am the only being in true existence, I don't, I believe too strongly in fate and purpose, but also free will, a world not rules by either/or situations, which rules out the next three, I accept all people are fallible, but not that everything we hold to be true is false. I believe personal truths are to be looked for, cherished and accepted for the meanings they inspire in our hearts and heads.

Bonism, I confess, I had never heard of before, but after a quick shuftie, I'm interested to learn more about it... I'll get back to you on that one!

Casualism is too broad an idea to believe or disbelieve, Gnosticism is too contradictory for me, and Hedonism is too simple, and ultimately selfish, for my tastes. I'd like to think more positively about life, and yet, I doubt I'm suitably pessimistic to support Malism and finally, although I'm all for progress, I believe the Nature world should not be spliced and diced for one species' own ego. There's plenty about the natural world that can advance the whole world to a better place, but nature and science must sit comfortably aside each other.

In essence, I wouldn't say I hold to a particular, established ethos, rather, I believe what I know to be true in the moment, and never stop looking to learn more. If there's an -ism out there that encapsulates that simple little thought process, then that's what suits me. And I'll find it one day!

I'm a mass of tumbling contradictions, however! I reserve the right it change my mind when I damn well please! :D

Ask me anything

Daddy or Chips?


Ask me anything

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen Swallow?

An African or a European swallow? :P

Ask me anything

The Zombie apocalypse happens (finally...), and you find out about it because a zombie mob just broke in to your house. You've got about 2 minutes to grab stuff and get out. What do you grab, and where do you run to?

Anything heavy, explosive or sharp! And since I'm on the top level of my building, I'd grab a wire hanger and fashion a handle in which to slide down various wires to the street!

Ask me anything

Ninjas, or Pirates?

A weird hybrid of Pirja!

Ask me anything

The world ends in 8 minutes, so you...

do something that requires your credit card details to read about :p

Ask me anything

Tuesday, 4 May 2010


It's a strange sensation to know that no matter what decision you make, chances are you'll regret it. I'm in a bit of conundrum. See, I've had a disagreement with someone close to me, and I've came to the conclusion our friendship is over. Since the disagreement, neither of us has contacted the other, and I'm not sure that's a bad thing. Which is rather horrible, now that the dust, at least for me, has settled. The conundrum stems from the fact that I'm aware they probably have no idea how I feel about the situation, and really, I have no idea how they feel either. Are they still mad? Upset? Feeling awkward? Uncomfortable? I really can't call it and until I man up and make the first contact, I'm not gonna know. I've even wrote about it, for pete's sake (who *is* pete anyway?) - and it'll never see the inside of this blog. If anyone will read it, it'll be them. It's not an apology really, more a way I could get the thoughts swirling around my head down so I didn't have to think about it anymore. Didn't work. I've resigned myself to the fact I feel this way about it, and I'm torturing myself by constantly analysing it. But I literally can't help it. I'll be at work, and my job is pretty non-taxing, mentally, so I think about other things, and right now, unfortunately, this keep popping into my head until I get upset and hide in the staff toilets for a while.

 I feel sick, and shaky, at the thought of even contacting them, for Christ's sake! Going on panic stations! It's ridiculous! This person is/was my friend, and even given how things might stand between us, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want to cause me a panic attack and yet, I'm working myself into such a tizzy I'm scaring myself.

Fuck it. I'm texting.

Right now.


Fuck. No idea what to say.

A message pretending none of it happened?

An "I hope all is well" text?

A blatant "Right, is all this nonsense over with"?

Or should I be REALLY lame and ask if we're still friends?


Minefield, friendships.

What's the difference?

Whatever I choose will probably be wrong, so I may as well pick a way and just do it. It's been over a fucking week.

Wonder what'll happen.

all time favourite incubus song? :)

You'd make me choose?! It does tend to change through mood, but right now it's Under My Umbrella... no, not *that* bloody one! :P

Ask me anything

What is your dream job?

owning my own cafe, above all else! I still have other aspirations, but that's the main one :D

Ask me anything

Saturday, 1 May 2010

Yesterday used to be the future


Then, hairdressers.

Feeling better that my much butchered hair (don't go to Flicks, is all I'm saying) was looking itself again, albeit a shorter version of it, the day seemed brighter even though it was overcast.

As I was walking up Union Street, two handsome men were walking down it.

We made eye contact.

I smiled.

So did they.

I let my gaze drift downwards.

They were holding hands.

Just two lovers, no big thing.

Just taking a stroll down a busy Glasgow street in the City Centre.

I looked back up, by now we were inches away from each other.

I smiled, a real, big smile that now that had nothing to do with my hair, the day's work or anything else.

Just the joy in the moment, that these two men could simply show their affection for each other in such a beautiful, easy way.

They returned the smile.

We walked past each other.

The moment was gone. But the memory remains.

This is progress.

This is the future.