Saturday, 31 January 2009

New books!!!!

Charity shops are BAD! Well, by their very nature they're good, but still. Ten minutes and I'm walking out with 5 new books. I say new. New to me. Well, 4 new to me. One is another copy of a book I already have. Well, if we're saying that, 3 new to me, since one was made into a TV series and I've watched it (over and over again). They were a bargain really, 5 books for £6.50! All paperback, of course, but still! Well, I say 3, but another one of those books was made into a film and I've seen that too. So 2 new to me. (It's a vicious circle. Grr)

Anyway, I just bought (drumroll)

Pratical Magic, Alice Hoffman I love this movie, so I actually can't wait to see how much better the book is!

The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini. This one has caught my eye from time to time, and I know there's a movie now, but I really wanted to read it first, I've been told how very good it is, and I've finally picked it up!

Les Liaisons Dangereuses, Choderlos de Laclos. I've owned this book for years, it's my comfort reading, but my book is falling apart. A new copy for £1? Yes please!

Getting Rid Of Matthew, Jane Fallon. Again, another book I've heard really good things about, and never picked up. It looks like great Sunday evening reading!

Sex And The City, Candace Bushnell. Yes, it's true. I've never read it, much less owned it. I know, of course, that the TV programme is a completely different creature (as is the movie), and I love those versions of the characters, but it's time I read how it all began.

I'm glad I can read serveral books in the same time period, otherwise I wouldn't know what to read first!

Just a thought

Can I live in Amélie's world? Please?

It looks so cosy and quirky and warm. All my favourite things!

Amelie has a strange feeling of absolute harmony. It's a perfect moment. A soft light, a scent in the air, the quiet murmur of the city. A surge of love, an urge to help mankind overcomes her.

And, of course, to feel like this would be divine!

Major league rant *BEWARE SWEARING!!*

Ok, I'm in Lady H mode. Let me explain. Lady H is an alter ego my friends created a few years ago as a result of my almost draconian methods of making them clean their house/do something they don't want to do but should. I also use it on people I can't be bothered to pretend to like.

I'm a horrible person really.

Thing is, I've not been Lady H in a LOOOONG time. Gof, and general happiness, has granted me the patience and rose tint view I was lacking in then. I forgive alot more, although I still prefer a clean house! I keep threatening G and his flatmate with a Lady H appearance, but they insist on living like Men Behaving Badly... and I just don't really mind that much.

So, Lady H. Scary woman. When I say I've not been in Lady H mode in a while, it's not strictly true either. She reared her evil head on December 2nd, when my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her via MSN. After 4 years, that is the best he could do. Lady H was NOT amused. Especially since said idiot ex was also a so-called friend of mine, and I rooted for their relationship, and was embroiled in the whole mess whether I liked it or not. So Lady H wrote this little ditty in a VERY public forum (aka myspace)

I've always been devil's advocate for you - no more.
I've stood up for you when other people bitched - no more.
I've tried to understand why you hurt yourself, why you hurt her - no more.
I'm done.

You've fucked up big time, this time. If you could see what I see, you'd know why I can't forgive this one. But you only think about yourself. You're so fucking emo - only happy when it rains? Drown in it you bastard. You go near her again and I'll castrate you. Go destroy yourself and leave her in peace this time.

Not only have you lost the only one who loved you no matter what, you've lost an ally you never realised you had. No more friend, no more sticking up for you. I'll tell you again - just so you're absolutely sure - you so much as glance in her direction again and I'll rip your eyes out. I'll tear you apart. I won't just kill you, I'll annihilate you.

Enjoy your sad, empty life dickwad.

Lady H meant every damn word of it. Miz? She felt a bit guilty after a few weeks, and eventually made peace with him. I'm glad I did, don't get me wrong, but I'm also glad I wrote what I did. I was angry for my friend, for me, and I laid the blame solely at his door. I think he did too, actually, which is why he was willing to accept my anger, and my *almost* apology, and move on. We're not great, as yet, and although I hold no real anger toward him now, it might be a while before we have a true friendship, if at all. I'm not sorry, but it did get me thinking.

I'm loyal. Right now I'm fucked off at a certain someone and he doesn't know it because I'm trying so hard to remain impartial (or at least pretend to be).

Break ups are hard, and hurt so much, I get it (believe me) but shouting your side of the story isn't going to help. Discuss your feelings with close friends, sure, I get that, but drunken arguments, in public, in front of mutual acquaintances, forces people to take sides. Where some, shall we say details should remain private for the benefit of both concerned, don't whisper in someones ear, to be repeated, and exaggerated with each telling. You're not giving your relationship the respect it deserves by babbling to all and sundry. You're hurting that one person you once loved beyond all reason. And you're doing it to garner sympathy from people you hardly know, people who, too, will eventually get sick of your games and leave you dancing in your own little pity party. Funny story - even though I live with the lady in question, I only know what I know through the stories I've heard whispered. I, at first, told her what was being said, but now I keep the gossip to myself. It hurts her, and she's been through so much already. I don't care if these things are true or not, and more to the point - I shouldn't. It's none of my business, and neither is it anyone elses. But still, people take sides, and even in my anti-side stance, I'm taking hers for that very reason. I've heard her on the phone, trying to talk, and trying not to cry. I've asked her if she wants to talk about it, and she rarely says yes. When she does, she doesn't bitch. Way to keep at least a modicum of dignity. Yeah. So I do. Bitch, I mean. I'm so angry, and yeah, taking sides.

I don't want or need stories. I don't want to take part in a break up that's essentially BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE. I don't want to decide which side in the sand I need to stand on. I don't want to end one friendship because I don't agree with methods or motives.

But if my hand is forced - I'd pick her. Grow up. She has. Move on. She has. And stop having a fucking tantrum, because I'll start. And Lady H isn't to be messed with.

Her tantrums are legendary.

Friday, 30 January 2009

My new hat!

I'm sad. Really. I am. But I'm so freaking excited about my hat, so I had to share. Lookie!! Doesn't it just scream Mad Hatter a la Alice In Wonderland? And all for £7.50!

Go visitAccessorize. And, again, don't send me the bill. It's not my fault.


****I wrote this about 4 years ago, when my ex and I first broke up. I'm writing a sort of follow up now, so I thought I'd share this first. Comments/critiques welcome!


I tried to pull you to me, needing the touch of your skin. But you were looking somewhere else, and you walked away, never looking back. You didn't see me walking against the wind, because I desparately wanted to be someone you needed. But I couldn't walk between the raindrops, and I fell so often, you left me far behind, in an ocean of bitter tears. I still seen your smile, the look in your eyes when we were in love. You are lost to me now. I don't know where you are, and god, I try not to care. But I practise walking between the raindrops that still fall, in the hope that maybe one day you'll turn around and find me.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

I couldn't resist! Honest!

Etsy is both a pleasure and a pain. I dare you to spend just 5 minutes there and not be tempted to buy something! I've bought this little darling pin, and je non regrette!

If you love it like I do, go visit the seller (and artist) here.

And don't send me the bill. It's not my fault.

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Showing off...

So Gof has been working on his Flaming sleeve, and just had his third sitting with Kay at Kaya (113 Dumbarton Rd, Partick, Glasgow). It's looking awesome, and he's really pleased with it, as is Kay, the artist, who is keeping a record of progress just like I am. When I finally save the pennies to get inked again, I'm definitely going to her.

So far, it's been just over 7 hours work, and I think it'll be finished in the next session, so we're both very excited!

The first sitting was mostly Kay free handing it out on his arm with a pen, then going over it with a thin line, almost as a tracer for the colours, and shading lightly to get a good idea of the movement. This took a little over two hours, mostly because Kay and I gabbed constantly!

The next sitting continued on the shading front, blending the 'smoke' effect and starting on the colours, browns, reds, oranges and yellows, making it as 3D effect-y as possible. Another two hours work here, and this time, I wasn't there (back in the heady days of employment!), so alot more was done, and we could see it really take shape!

The latest work! The 'smoke' shading is complete, and the colours are starting to really look amazing. The original idea was to have the flames round his wrist start off blue, and shade up into the oranges and yellows et al, but now, we think there's enough drama in the shading to keep the same colour palatte without incorporating the blues. Comments/suggestions? This time, Kay enjoyed working on it so much she gave Gof a free hour (and at £60p/h he really didn't mind!) so we sat for three hours this time, watching a true artist nearly complete this masterpiece.

Hopefully soon I'll be putting the finished product pictures up, but in the meantime, what do you think?


I hate drunks

My alcoholic next door neighbor is moving furniture out to the landing, including a fridge and lots of wooden boxes. It's quarter to two.

Can someone give me a small house in the middle of nowhere with my nearest neighbors being about 20 miles away?


I'm trying to sleep.

Monday, 26 January 2009

Some Make up shots...

... I applied for a college course today, Make Up Artistry. I'm not particularly great now, but I think maybe I could be. Make up has always been a source of enjoyment to me, and I've been asked a few times now to act as a make up artist for photo shoots, weddings, etc. Of course I've always obliged, but I've never seriously considered a career in it. I'm just not that good.

But what if I could be? What if I at least trained, and a love of the art became a talent? What then? Could it be an actual career? I might just have it in me to find out.

What do you think? Potential?

Saturday, 24 January 2009

Happy birthday sweetheart

I love you like a fat kid loves cake. Now lets go dance and get drunk!


Unusual You by Britney Spears

Nothin' about you is typical
Nothin' about you's predictable
You got me all twisted and confused
(It's so you)
Up 'til now, I thought I knew love
Nothin' to lose and it's damaged 'cause
Pattern to fall as quick as I do
(But now)

Bridges are burnin'
Baby, I'm learnin'
A new way of thinking now
Love, I can see
Nothing will be
Just like it was
Is that because

Baby, you're so unusual
Didn't anyone tell you you're s'posed to
Break my heart, I expect you to
So why haven't you?
Maybe you're not even human 'cause
Only an angel could be so unusual
Sweet surprise I could get used to
Unusual you

Ah-ah, ah ah
Ah-ah, ah ah
Ah-ah, ah ah
Ah-ah, ah ah

Been so many things when I was someone else
Boxer in the ring, tryin' to defend myself
And the private eye to see what's goin' on
(That's long gone)
When I'm with you, I can just be myself
You're always where you say you will be
Shocking, 'cause I never knew love like this
Could exist

Tables are turnin'
My heart is soarin'
You'll never let me down
Answer my call
Here after all
Never met anyone
Like you

Baby, you're so unusual
Didn't anyone tell you you're s'posed to
Break my heart, I expect you to
So why haven't you?
Maybe you're not even human 'cause
Only an angel could be so unusual
Sweet surprise I could get used to
Unusual you

Ah-ah, ah ah
Ah-ah, ah ah
Ah-ah, ah ah
Ah-ah, ah ah

Can't believe that I
Almost didn't try
When you called my name
Now everything is changed

Baby, you're so unusual
Didn't anyone tell you you're s'posed to
Break my heart, I expect you to
So why haven't you?
Maybe you're not even human 'cause
Only an angel could be so unusual
Sweet surprise I could get used to
Unusual you

Ah-ah, ah ah
Ah-ah, ah ah
Ah-ah, ah ah
Ah-ah, ah ah


I'll never get sick of this song.

Friday, 23 January 2009

I need these shoes.... yesterday!!!

Anyone got a spare £55? Pleeeeaaaasseee!!!???

I'm a brat - I know it :D Excuse the pic, I can't find the shoes online yet!

Words to live by

"Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree. And they grew next to each other. And every day the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say, "You're crooked. You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked. But look at me! Look at me!" said the straight tree. He said, "I'm tall and I'm straight." And then one day the lumberjacks came into the forest and looked around, and the manager in charge said, "Cut all the straight trees." And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange."

Kneller in 'Wristcutters - A Love Story'
played by Tom Waits

Thursday, 22 January 2009

Barack Obama's Inaugural Speech

My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors.

I thank President Bush for his service to our nation as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath.

The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebears, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age.

Homes have been lost, jobs shed, businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly, our schools fail too many, and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable, but no less profound, is a sapping of confidence across our land; a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real, they are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less.

It has not been the path for the faint-hearted, for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame.

Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life. For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West, endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died in places Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed.

Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done.

The state of our economy calls for action: bold and swift. And we will act not only to create new jobs but to lay a new foundation for growth.

We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together.

We will restore science to its rightful place and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its costs.

We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age.

All this we can do. All this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions, who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short, for they have forgotten what this country has already done, what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them, that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long, no longer apply.

The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works, whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified.

Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end.

And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account, to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day, because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched.

But this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control. The nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous.

The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on the ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals.

Our founding fathers faced with perils that we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations.

Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake.

And so, to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with the sturdy alliances and enduring convictions.

They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use. Our security emanates from the justness of our cause; the force of our example; the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy, guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort, even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We'll begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people and forge a hard- earned peace in Afghanistan.

With old friends and former foes, we'll work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat and roll back the specter of a warming planet.

We will not apologize for our way of life nor will we waver in its defense.

And for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that, "Our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken. You cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you."

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness.

We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus, and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth.

And because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect.

To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict or blame their society's ills on the West, know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy.

To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history, but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds.

And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to the suffering outside our borders, nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages.

We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service: a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves.

And yet, at this moment, a moment that will define a generation, it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies.

It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break; the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours.

It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new, the instruments with which we meet them may be new, but those values upon which our success depends, honesty and hard work, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old.

These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history.

What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence: the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed, why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall. And why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day in remembrance of who we are and how far we have traveled.

In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river.

The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood.

At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive, that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet it."

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words; with hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come; let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Thank you. God bless you.

And God bless the United States of America.

Part 1

Part 2

It still gives me shivers. It gives me hope for this world. But he's right. Even as a British citizen, someone who hoped, but didn't vote, for him, I understand that we ALL have to make changes to change the world we live in, not just for ourselves, but for future generations. He is simply the common man who believed in the ability, in himself and others, to take responsibility and earn our world back. He has been elevated to the highest office in the world, not because he alone can change the world, but because he inspires almost every person in America, and across the planet, to join in peace and work together for the good of this planet. Please don't pin unrealistic hopes on this man. Instead, aspire to follow his lead, beginning with trust and courage in yourself, and enriching the lives of those around you - all in the pursuit of happiness.

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Some of my favourite things....

... I have a confession to make. My room isn't exactly tidy right now. I know, shock, right? But still, I took some pictures of my favourite little purdy things in my room, and I thought I'd share with the world :P

First off, let me introduce Lucy, my ragdoll.
I've had her since I was about a year old. Her purple wool hair, plaited at either side of her sweet round face is long gone (blame my lovely little sister Lyndsay!), she's ripped and torn, and no amount of washing will bring her up to her original colourings, but I love her dearly. She's so soft and cuddly, the kind that only years of loving can bring, and I can't look at her without smiling, and that's even when I'm upset and/or angry! That's a gift! I really should repair her, and maybe put hair back on her... but I love her just as she is.

I found this hairdressing set in a random charity shop, for about £3, and even though I never actually use the set, it's too old to risk any damage, it's so very beautiful! The pewter jewelery box was a gift from my dear friend Emily for my 18th birthday. She is as mad about vintage goodies as I am! To the right of the hairdressing set is small hand-made candles I bought from Sith (pronounced Shee)Cafe, a Gaelic cafe anyone who enjoys coffee and fair trade goodies will enjoy! Oh, and that blanked out picture in the frame? My darling Gof in a somewhat "artistic" shot :P

Lastly (for now!), is my newest find, 6 darling pastel glass glazed espresso cups.
How gorgeous are these? I love them, from their luminous sheen, to the gold rims. I dare anyone sipping a thick syrupy espresso (yum!) from these dainty little things not to feel like a "Lady who Lunches"! I'm abit scared to use them though! In any case, they are a pretty addition to my evergrowing collection of cups and saucers!

I will post more of my little treasures soon, but for now, I'm off to Juggling Club!

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Oh dear...

I'm in a bit of a quandary. I'm sick of what's happening in my life right now, and I'm no longer very happy in stasis. Still no job, still no sign of any work whatsoever. I know everyone is in the same boat, so I can't bitch too much about that. But surely, I'm allowed to be annoyed? I'm living on less than £20 a week, I'm missing my friends, and I hate living so far away. Yes, I know too, that Dalmuir isn't far from Glasgow, but emotionally it is. And I can never afford to pay the fare in.

Thing is, I think I want out. Out of Dalmuir, out of Glasgow, out of the poverty. I'm getting restless, my feet are itching to move, only I don't know where I would go. And The obvious choice is Wales, where at least my mum and sister live. I can't do that without leaving G though, and I don't want to do that. Our relationship is strong, and he has kept me going when I would've gave up. But I'm running on empty now, and there's nothing to "go" towards. Would it be selfish to stay, and hope that something will turn up to pull me out of the funk, while subjecting him to the mood swings and neediness? Or is it more selfish to leave, start someplace new, knowing he couldn't follow and effectively ending a relationship with I man I adore? To cause that pain in us both just because I'm fast running out of patience?

I know I can't guarantee success elsewhere, and I may fail completely, but at least I would know I tried. That, more than the failure, may just keep me going.

I take pleasure in the simple things in life, housekeeping, coffee, being with my friends, nature. But these don't pay my bills and I'd just like to earn my way.

I need to take action, and make a decision, soon. And yes, I know, I also need to talk to Gof. I don't want to overwhelm him with the despair I feel, but I feel like I'm lying to him, and it's dishonest to keep this quandry from him any longer. I doubt it'll be a bolt from the blue, he's a smart cookie my Mr, he'll have a clue, but it's time I tell what I've been hiding.

Ok, maybe not right now, it's 2.54am, but soon. Later today soon. Wish me luck! Eep.

Monday, 12 January 2009

It's been good, getting to know me more...

I miss writing, like, proper writing. I'm drawing a complete blank whenever I put pen to paper and it's so damn frustrating. I'm listening to lots of lyric heavy music (as opposed to melody music) to inspire me, and just thought I'd share this very pretty song - lyrics under the vid. Enjoy!

Well, I put so much thought into getting ready
Now I know that was the best part
It's so easy to get caught up in what I'm regretting
Forget what I got from a wounded heart

I'm the one who likes Gardenia
I'm the one who likes to make love on the floor
I don't want to hang up the phone yet
It's been good
Getting to know me more

I've been seeing all my old friends in the city
Walking alone in Central Park
Doing all the things that I've neglected
Traded 'em all in
To be in your arms

I'm the one who likes Gardenia
I'm the one who likes to make love on the floor
I don't want to hang up the phone yet
It's been good
Getting to know me more

Well, I hear my own voice
Sounds so silly
Keep on telling my story all around
Everything I lost seems so different
Well, this is how everybody gets found

I'm the one who likes Gardenia
I'm the one who likes to make love on the floor
I don't want to hang up the phone yet
It's been good
Getting to know me more

7.00 am

I've been up all night watching Ugly Betty coz *sigh* yet again I can't sleep. So I thought, go do something constructive and write a meaningful, profound blog post.




People who make big ass pictures out of the symbols on keyboards have waaay to much time on their hands.


Maybe I should post my make up pics here..... meh, too much effort right now. I enjoy the fact that Cheryl is awake over in NY. I don't feel too much like a freak being online at stupid o'clock. *hugs* Thanks sweetie pie.

I should go home, I've been camped out at Gof's since I got back from his mates house Saturday night.

And I've just heard him get up for work. I miss work. I miss the routine, and the pay check. I despise the fact politicians who earn over £50,000 a year tell me it's ok that I live on less than £70 a week. It's not like I'm not looking, just what with this so-called credit crunch even big companies are scared to hire! I've went from looking at coffee shops and clothes shop to anywhere that'll hire me and pay me minimum bloody wage! And I still can't find anything!

Gah. Gof's away to work. Poor soul, I hate being wide awake when I'm here. He's upstairs sleeping and all I want to do is cuddle up with him, but my being awake keeps him awake, and he has work so I don't wanna do that, but then he misses me being there. Vicious circle. Grr.

Ok. I'm awake, but I don't have the energy to rant anymore.

Wish me ZZZZ's!

Saturday, 10 January 2009

Have no sympathy...

... for I brought it on myself! Hangovers are bad, but I never seem to remember how bad until I'm suffering through one! I'm feeling very sorry for myself of course, but no matter. I'm not touching the demon drink for a while. And yes, when I say that I tend to stick to it for a long while!

It was a great night though. Went to my friend Richy's (and adopted wee bro!) new house, the first he's lived in with his lovely fiancee, Toni, and his older brother Tony (yeah it gets confusing!) was over from Dublin, so it was a much needed reunion! Two bottles of red and half a bottle of Jack later... don'tcha just love the crap you talk about when you're drunk? It was brilliant to see them all, and totally worth the hangover! Maybe next time I won't drink quite so much... but then the likelihood of that happening is even lower than me dying my hair blonde!

Right now I'm going Gof's mates house for curry... and definitely NO booze!

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Breaking up is hard... thank god I'm not!

OK, had to get that in quickly before I got a million questions asking if Gof and I are ok. We are, extremely amazing. In fact, I'm only reminded of how lucky I am, compared to what my friends are going through. I never would wish this on my worst enemy (if I had one), and right now I'm seeing it played out before my eyes.

If someone has enriched your life so much, why does it have to end badly? I understand that relationships don't always last, but does it have to go from love to hate? I can't imagine even hating my ex so much, and even though the breakup was a hard, painful one, now that the dust has settled I only look back on it with happiness. We were happy, once, and that relationship and that person shaped who I am today, so I can't hate him for that.

Is it that maybe breakups seem unnatural? That maybe the guilt of leaving a person turns to a sort of loathing for them, for inspiring that guilt? I can understand that, somewhat. I hate the idea of breaking someone's heart, and would hate myself for doing it, no matter how right it was.

Maybe there is no right way of breaking up with someone. Breakups are rarely mutual, even if both know it's for the best, and someone will always be hurt. Someone will always be the one being told it's over. It's all very well thinking, ok, we had a good run, go now in peace and happiness, but the reality is always tears, screaming matches, accusations and fights over the DVD's. Respect and honesty get sidelined and you lose sight of why you loved that person. Racing towards a quick break, making the wrong decisions, forcing that person to hate you so that it's 'easier' for you both.

My mind is racing. I'm remembering the mistakes I made and I'm confusing them with what other people have done. Round in circles, and it's a horrible trap. I never want to do that to Gof, but I'm a realist. I know we might not last.

No. I refuse to start that again. I'm not thinking about the might be's, just on the solid here and now.

Meh. Rant over.

When I close my eyes...

I never want to stop listening to this. Incubus have long been a favourite band of mine, simply because what they write is pure poetry. Every one of their songs have a deeper meaning, and you can delve into the words for hours. I've honestly felt the singer, Brandon Boyd, his lust in 'Here In My Room', his anger in 'Blood On The Ground', and his optimism in 'Drive'. I was gonna go on, but this particular post is about a particular song.

Under My Umbrella (please don't confuse it with the Rhianna song!) is my current favourite, as religion, and my own choices on religion, weigh heavy on on my mind. I've always said I'm Pagan, I believe, no - belief implies doubt - I know, that nature should be worshipped as the amazing entity it is. I've always been moved by the simple power of a flower, and always knew that in this world of duality, it really made no sense to me worshipping the ONE GOD. Now, please don't be offended if this is your choice, I don't disrespect the religion (only those who abuse the religion for their own ends, but more on that later), but for me, as a personal choice, it didn't work. Everywhere I look, I see equal yet opposite partners. It's even in our DNA, with the double helix. I worship what can be seen, the sometimes terrible beauty of this world, and the secrets hidden within it, so easily found, if only we look.

As a result, I try to live life as respectfully as possible. I live a vintage lifestyle, with the creedo 'make do and mend'. I give to charity. I grow herbs (when the cat's not eating them!), I give thanks daily for the blessings in my life. I try hard not to jump to anger when simple understanding will work better all round. I'm trying to improve my life, and hope that this will create a ripple effect, for those around me who also want to improve themselves. I'm alot more forgiving of my own flaws, and I feel, as a result, a lot more forgiving of what I consider flaws in other people.

I don't mind as much, when people try to 'convert' me to their way of thinking, I know they're probably as passionate about their beliefs as I am mine. In saying that though, I don't mind when they respect my choices. The fire and brimstone, death to the west, you're wrong I'm right crowd, whatever they claim to be, Christians, Muslims, Krishnas, etc, still really bother me. By forcing religion on people, coercing them into a belief system they don't want to understand, isn't that, in essence, going against the religion they profess to be a part of? Faith is such a personal thing, and it needs to lift your heart and make your fingers tingle! (or maybe that last part is just me!) True love in what you worship only comes when you choose to.

Ok, as usual, when talking about religion, I've babbled on too long, so I'll come back to it, but for now, here's the song, lyrics underneath, 'Under My Umbrella'. Enjoy!

When I close my eyes... I can see for miles.
There's comfort in my dark seat... and chaos in the aisles.

These eyes are not your eyes
and these eyes are not the color that your arid eyes might be.
No, I was not around
when those eyes of yours decided so
I refuse to kneel before the sights you choose to see.

When I close my eyes... I remember why I smile.
Under my umbrella... I'm an accomplished exile.

These eyes are not your eyes
and these eyes are not the color that your arid eyes might be.
No, I was not around
when those eyes of yours decided so
I refuse to kneel before the sights you choose to see!

If this is right, I'd rather be wrong.
If this is sight, I'd rather be blind.

Completed Fallout 3! *happy dance*

I'm waaay too obsessed with that game to be a girl. I've recently came to a conclusion though, that my indulgences in make up, shoes and lingerie balance out my love of comics, console games, and football.

That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's 6.47am and I'm off to bed.

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

It's not so easy....

This is me. I'm Nicki, a 24 year old spoilt brat. I know it. I'm also the luckiest person in the world. I have people around me who make me a better person. Without them, I'm guessing I'd still be lost in that state of depression I was in, a place I can't imagine now. I'm so very, very aware, that even though I have worked to pull myself out of that, (and boy, did I ever!) I simply would not be breathing today if not for the continuing support of these people. I'm the first to admit life isn't perfect, but for the first time in my life, that doesn't bother me as much as it once did. Of course, it bothers me enough to have the ambition to change certain aspects of my life, but no more "sea of despair" (Oh yeah, I really did say that! I was emo before it was cool!)

This is Gof, my amazing boyfriend, who has changed me in ways I can't even begin to analyse, in just 18 months. His calmness, his easy-going, take-life-at-face-value attitude, tempers the flame of my own, very fiery, personality. Expecting nothing, and so generous with his love and kindness, I've stopped waiting for something to go wrong and I have learned to kick back and enjoy our life together. There's no more questions. I've always been caught between my strong sense of independence and craving for a monogamous commitment, even though I didn't ever understand the need of monogamy (blame daddy for that). I'm still working on my somewhat warped views on relationships, but now, I know I can work on it with him. Our love story won't end in a marriage, neither of us wants or needs that. I hate the very phrase, "end in a marriage". That sounds like the relationship is over, instead of the new chapter it's supposed to signify. But I digress. I love him, and we will be together for as long as it's supposed to last. I can't ask for anything more.

This is Emma. She's the Twitch to my Babble (and if you have to ask why we're nicknamed so...) We're dangerous. We go dancing and drink too much, take loads of pictures and delight in acting silly. And then there's the confidence. Secret sharing. The trust that we'll always be there for each other. Through the petty annoyances, the separation when we've just spent *too* much time together, I know, without doubt, we would drop everything for each other. Always and forever. Ours is the sort of friendship you know will stand the test of time, because we've already been through what would kill any old friendship, and survived. We love each each, not in spite of our flaws, rather because they exist. Who she is makes the person I love, and I do, very much.

Lastly (for now!)is Maffu. My hero. He and I have a relationship that, over 4 years of trying, can't be defined. All I know is this - I would be dead now if it wasn't for him, and his unwavering support through one of the toughest times in my life. This is no mere exaggeration, I know I'm prone to that. It's a simple fact. I can only guess now at what hell I put him though, when I was sinking in the aforementioned "sea of despair". We were lovers, best friends, co-dependant on each other. He and his amazing family welcomed me into their heart and home, and I'm here, loved, because they placed that nugget of hope in my soul. He helped me grow. He saw me through things I hated about myself, and helped me acknowledge some (well, most) of my flaws, and how to cope with them. I can only hope I can one day do something to thank him for all that he's done. It'll be a tough one to equal!

I don't even want to think of the possibility of these three amazing people not being in my life. So I won't. I give thanks daily that they exist in my world, and that they make this unemployed, manic depressed, overweight girl the luckiest in the world.

An Open Letter To Everyone I Know: I am a Wiccan witch.

I do not worship Satan; I am not interested in Satan. Satan was invented by the Christians. Satanism is a form of Christianity. I am not a Christian. I don't go to church on Sunday. Jesus is NOT my saviour. He was simply a holy man who lived 2,000 years ago. I am not afraid of going to Hell because I don't believe in Hell any more than I believe in Satan. I believe in reincarnation; that I will come back to this world or another and live out another life. I am not evil. But telling people I am a "good witch" is wrong. There are evil people in the world, and there are people who chose to work with the forces of nature in a way that harms others; those people do NOT follow the same path I do, Wicca. The central law of being Wiccan is: "if it harms none, do as you will". Please don't ask me about sacrificing cats or desecrating churches. I love my cat. And I don't go into churches or synagogues unless a friend from that religion invites me to some special occasion. And if I DO enter a church, I am not stuck by lightning. And if a Christian or Jew or a Buddhist came to a pagan ritual, our gods would not strike them dead either. Isn't that something to think about? Wearing a pentacle is no different than a cross, crucifix, or Star of David. If you want me to take off the symbol of MY religion because it's offensive, you need to make everyone of every religion do that. The five points of the star signify the four elements of Earth, Air, Fire & Water, and the fifth point is Spirit; encircled by the World. How that can offend anyone boggles my little pagan mind. An image of a tortured, dying man is more offensive, yet thousands of people openly wear crucifixes every day. Also, don't ask me if I'm in a "coven" in that half-horrified, half-fascinated tone of voice. If I want to talk about my coven, I will bring it up. If I am a solitary practitioner, I have no coven to discuss. In any case, our rituals have candles, food, drink, poetry, dancing...yes there is a knife but it only cuts the air, not anyone's flesh. I don't drink blood. I am not a vampire. I enjoy vampire lore, that's all. I wear black because it keeps negativity away and it looks better on me than orange and purple polka dots. If you want to ask me something related to MY religion, ask me when the next full moon is. Or the next blue moon. Or what a blue moon IS. Ask me about herbs. Crystals. Healing. Even ask me to make you a love potion. But I don't cast spells on other people and I won't cast a spell on you to make you prettier, thinner, more desirable. And I won't cast a spell on your crush to make him/her love you. Trust me, you don't want that, you don't want the karma that involves, and neither do I! That's a form of manipulation, taking away someone's power, infringing on their free will. Not nice at all. Spell work is about co-creation. A witch works with universal energy, with the Goddess amd God. Need money? Don't try to ensorcel your boss to give you a raise. Simply ask the universe to increase the flow of abundance in your direction. That infringes on NO ONE'S free will. One last thing: giving me a book about the Burning Times is not funny and is rude. I'm sorry it happened but those poor people were NOT persecuted for living the Wiccan way. Wicca didn't exsist then. Please don't try to make me ashamed of whom I worship and what I am. Please don't try to convert me or "save" me. Don't throw holy water on me. Don't leave horrible notes on my website. I don't need to be saved. Witches are proud of the fact that we don't recruit people to become witches. We simply ARE, and those around us see how we think, how we act, and our inner peace, and only when someone says, "how do I become a witch?" do we take them into the fold with us. I will never leave a religious credo with anyone. I don't have one, unless you count this letter. And I am not asking you to convert. I am only asking you to understand. If you don't want to understand, just leave me alone.

Blessed Be

Back from the depression...

... I was very upset when I lost my job. I'm still unemployed, but I can't ignore the fact I've not blogged here any longer. I miss it, even though I've been blogging (somewhat) over my favourite .ning. community, I do miss here.

A few changes, in keeping with the New Year. I'm moving some posts over here, making it less of a coffee shop blog (since, for now, I don't HAVE one) and more of an allrounder. I'm changing how it looks too, and I'm gonna start actively encouraging people to visit. If for no other reason, than conversation creates a wider dialogue, and I want to have that here.

And that's that!

But still... anyone need a barista? :P