Tuesday, 30 June 2009


I haven't slept all night. Insomnia is well and truly back. I'm about to go try and sleep, or I'll be no use to anyone later! Not a good plan.

In other news, been feeling quite icky, I've caught a bug, probably not Swine flu, but with G working in a hospital (and in contact with at least one infected patient, poor person!) knowing my luck... :P Regardless, I've been chained to my desk with Repo!, and things are ticking over quite nicely :D

Sunday will see me all dressed up in one of the Bad Kitty corsets for this event....

... ahhh, the things I do in the line of beauty, I mean duty! Gallery opening, dressing up, and calling it work! Heh heh.

Now though, although I want to write more (loads to say!) I believe me in a bed with hot sweet tea and Viggo Mortensen (on the screen, sadly) is the best idea. LOTR: TTT is my comfort movie, I know it back to front, and I'll happily doze off watching it. At least, that's the intention....

Need to look impossibly fresh and amazing, backstage at the show tonight, better remember the camera!

I love this industry.

Friday, 26 June 2009


I'm in shock. I'm so very upset.

I will blog when I'm not so fuzzy. When I know more about what happened.

Til then my thoughts are with his children.

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

To market, to market!

So, Livvy needs a new wardrobe. Difficult, but not impossible, to do on a budget. Ebay is my friend!

Footwear first - of course! I think I should take one pair of knee high boots, I'm thinking brownish, of maybe even deep green. I like these...

... so far, and neither of them are too expensive. I'm thinking though, that outta my budget, I really should get decent, hardwearing boots to run around in. I'll be in a field, maybe in the rain, so I should take care of my feet!

In that case *insert shifty look here* I'd sack the brown/green look and buy these instead!

Maybe it's the goth in me, but I frigging LOVE these! Wedges probably aren't the best thing to be running in either, but, well, it's me! I can run in stilettos! (It'd be murder in muck though!)

Otherwise, I'm also looking at sandals. August is a hot month, and I don't want to be wearing big boots all day every day!

These are pretty funky...

..but most sandals are either "in fashion" gladiator cheap crap or little flip flops with nothing really to them. I want something cool, but will support my ankle if I decide to go running about in them! I think I'll have to go further than ebay!

My colour scheme, as such, deep greens, reds, browns. Some blues too. In fact my main inspiration comes from a scarf I have. I'll take a picture tomorrow and post it, ok? Anybody got any ideas, I'll be happy to take them!

For now, I'm off to girlify. I've got a burlesque networking event tomorrow, and girl needs to HUSTLE!


Tuesday, 16 June 2009

The Gathering!

So, The Gathering is at the end of August, and I'm already getting excited about it. I know, I know, I'm sad. But I do enjoy LARP (live action role play) much more than I ever thought I would, so there!

This year, the Gathering looks to be a biggie. Me and G are going, of course, but this time, so is Mac, and maybe too Emma, Stephen and Frances. So I'm helluva happy I can introduce my lovely friends into the world of dressing up, getting drunk, and hitting people with latex swords. On a field. In the middle of summer.

It's not all battles and fighting though, one of my favourite things about the Gathering is walking about the Marketplace in character (IC) and talking to other people also IC. It's fun, and can descend into ridiculous quite quickly. Imagine being introduced to a goblin named Sir Nikaz Askew, or an elf called Salogel (read it backwards). These are the silly bits you can have a laugh at.

I love my character. Her name is Elivinessa and she's an aristocratic runaway. She stowed away on a pirate (ahem, I mean conquistador) ship and was caught by the ships first mate Mister Joshua. Dragged in front of the terrifying Mr Bousen, and the the rest of the ship's crew, she had to convince him not to make her walk the plank. Scared now, that the stories of pirates and sailing the high sea weren't nearly as romantic and exciting as in the picturebooks, she falteringly pleaded for her life and lavished praise on their way of life. Men of honour, she called them, and free, something she desperatly wanted to be a part of. She kept her aristocratic status secret, not knowing if they wouldn't just hold her for ransom instead.

Mr Bousen, although not softening, asked her if she had any worth, any talent to bring to the ship. She admitted she was a mage, magic came naturally to her. The ship already had a mage, he replied, what need would they have for another? Mr Joshua spoke up, the only one on the ship who could get away with it, saying more power through magic wouldn't be a bad thing. The other mage, Tsunami, was charged with teaching her, after he discovered she was powerful yet inexperienced. It was decided. She would receive 10 lashes of the whip for stowing away, and thereafter, would be in the charge of Mr Joshua, and a functioning member of the Ship. Mr Bousen cemented this decision but passing around a hipflask of rum, to each crew member, a mouthful.

Disembarking from the ship, the crew went to the nearest bar, where she tried to refuse Mr Bousen's offer of a drink, with the rum still burning a hole in her stomach. Seeing the look upon his face, she quickly accepted, realising her future involved a LOT of drinking.

Since then, she has opened up alot more, although still keeping her heritage secret, she is gaining confidence in her abilities as a mage, and has discovered she is adept at fighting with two daggers. She is quite close to Galandra, the ships healer, and tries to stay by her side to protect her during battles. She is always excited, though abit apprehensive about going onshore, the threat of her family finding her always stronger on land, but the Elivinessa who joined the crew last year is alot different to the Livvy who is there now.

In the next few days, I'll be posting about the hunt for new costuming for Livvy. I've a few ideas, but it'll take some time getting it together.

Tonight, Stephen and Frances are coming up to talk about the Gathering, and some weapons practice. Hopefully, their maybe will become a definite soon!

Monday, 15 June 2009

I've been quite naughty...

I'm still doing the exercise bit, but I've still been eating wheat, so bad me. I promise now, to mark each day with a wheat/no wheat... to keep myself on check. Doing well on the water front too, drinking at least a litre a day, usually more.

In other news... I meant to take a picture of my make up for Blitzer's masquerade ball... but I forgot. I wasn't even drunk, having had 2 drinks the entire night, but oh well. It was a fun night, but next time, I'm booking a hotel room in the next street so I can get to sleep in a bed when I'm sleepy! Instead, like the good friend I am (:P) I gave up my room so my best friend Twitch could get - ahem - some sleep. Yes. Sleep. Gof and I went to his at 5(ish?) in the morning, where, although I was sober and awake, I went straight to sleep! Sometimes having a second wave doesn't matter as long as I have a pillow under me!

Sleep. I've been getting a better quality of sleep in the last 4 days, but over the past fortnight, I've had more nightmares than I can handle. I know I'm stressed, but no more so than usual so it's a bit worrying. I think with my body getting used to the amount of activity I cram in daily, I should be sleeping without dreaming pretty soon. It's a nice thought.

I start therapy in July. I'm nervous, but hopeful, it's something I haven't really considered before, and when I asked my last doctor about it, he just threw pills at me. I don't need the pause button, and I'd rather let go than hold in. The Mental Health team did talk about group therapy, but I'd rather one to one for now. It's taken me all this time to take this step, I'd rather walk before I can run. The idea of talking to people no better off than I am seems sort of egotistical, like a whole "I know you have it tough, but pity poor me!" Not my scene. Maybe I'll change my mind, but right now I'll just talk to someone who will only have a professional interest, not an emotional one. Maybe selfish, sure, but I want to do this right.

I'm going back to college too. I'm rewinding back and doing it right this time round! I'm also working more on my Repo! A Burlesque Affair night, the tickets are going on sale at the end of the week, so I'm working hard!


Anything else??


Been watching more make up tutorials like this or this. I've sorta trailed off wearing make up, and I don't know why, because I love sitting down to apply it in the morning! I'm odd, I know it.

OK, that's it... until I remember somethin else I forgot!

But be prepared for more posts... and maybe soon, a snippet from the new fiction I've been writing.

Yeah, kept that quiet, haven't I?

*evil grin*

Thursday, 11 June 2009

I may cry....

It's got to the point now, that I need to sell my vintage clothes. I would put them on ebay, but I need cash now... so I can't. Yeah. I may cry.

I'm hoping that it'll give me the opportunity to restart - all fresh and really think about what I choose for my new wardrobe. But for now, it'll have to lie bare for a while. Being penniless sucks.

I'll probably be back later, sobbing and typing my little heart out, but really, it's just clothes.

Isn't it?

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Why I love Gof

"Her name was Lola she was a... fiissh..."

"What kind of fish?"(asks Blitzer)

"A potato" Gof replies.

Elections results

I seen this coming from waaaay off, and I was powerless to cast my own vote as I needed to prove my new address before the 19th May, which I tried to, but couldn't do. It says alot about the faith of the British people that they have lost all hope in a "better than nothing" government and have come to rely on people who prey on the weak and spout hate like it's *obviously* ok to. I see what the BNP have done. They've sugarcoated the truth of what the have done, and in doing so made it easier to swallow and given us proven examples that they do what they set out to achieve.

Forcing immigrants out of whatever crappy scheme they've been dumped in? No, they've "brought the existing community together for a common goal"

It's horrifying, and we all know there's plenty more examples where that came from. No justification? Sure, but people are scared. The economy problem won't be fixed until people start spending again, but with the highest rate of unemployment in over 30 years, most (including myself) simply can't afford to jumpstart a system that screwed us all over.

Labour have failed absolutely and completely, and, let's face it, the Tories always seem to fuck things up even more, so the old assurances are dead. Smaller parties, like BNP and UKIP are gaining power simply because they still *seem* honest to the everyman.

To the 35 year old mechanic being made redundent with a family to support, the BNP may be racist, but at least he's got a better chance of a job if they were elected. To the wee granny, wouldn't harm a fly, but her pension is awful short and UKIP want to spend more money on their own country, not send it over to Europe.

The dinosaurs are dying out, and the parasites are taking over. This country is in shock, but lets hope be the time a GE rolls round, there will be a better option. Right now there's not one party I have faith in.

Saturday, 6 June 2009

Not long left

I promise to remember that time we all got locked out of your house and went outside in pouring rain to playfight instead.

I promise to remember walking along country roads just around Easterhouse and finding old buildings.

I promise to remember the time, on one of those walks, finding the old brewery and looking in the flooded basements for bottles of booze. And not finding any.

I promise to remember that even though you were into dance music, you loved the line form K's Choice "Virgin State of Mind" - Do you think I'm sexy? Do you think I really care?

I promise to remember we all made fun of your alien shaped head. Even you.

I promise to remember you were my little sister's first love. And how much I appreciated you treating her like a princess.

I promise to remember you made me breakfast when I was hungover.

I promise to remember you love Rangers.

I promise to remember the sneaky joints we all shared in the fields.

I promise to remember the summers out in the back gardens.

I promise to remember the boys hanging out your window and the girls hanging out Stacy's across the way.

I promise to remember the time we sprayed deodorant down a pipe and lit it on fire.

I promise to remember you.

Friday, 5 June 2009

So much to say...

... and even though it's affecting my life, it's not my business to talk about in a public forum. Sucks, but I'd rather keep on the good side of the person in question. Still, I can say that this huge cloud has a silver lining, not least of all because it's brought my family closer together again, and that's always a good thing.

Yeah, so.

I've got my jacket on, ready to leave Gof's and get up to the Jobcentre to deal with yet more paperwork. Frankly, I just want the whole thing over with, I have a new job, it's going well, and along with Repo, things seem to be moving along quite nicely. Ask me again at the end of the month! I've decided to live alittle less stressed, and I've let go of the anger I didn't realise I was still carrying. Anger, not only to those people who have hurt me, but towards myself too. I'm trying too much, too hard, and pushing towards a dream I will never see realised, so it's time to move on.

I will ask nothing of anybody, I've realised that...

I like it.

So, this thing that has just happened, the mystery I allude to, sorta forced me to see things from a different angle. I understand, always, that there are 3 sides to any given story, a's side, b's side and the actual truth without bias. Maybe I thought I was taking the high road but not talking about it to those mutual friends who might have been caught in the crossfire, but really, I was just harbouring secret sorrow and doubt. I've just witnessed, first hand, how that feels. When you know someone you love is sad but you don't know why. I witnessed too, how it eats you up inside without you even realising it.

I refuse to do that to myself anymore. I'm getting proper help. No more pause pills, no more hiding. An honest lifting of the veil, without drama. I've been offered a chance, a hope, and I'm grabbing it.

No more sorrow.
No more pretending.

This ending tastes deliciously like a new beginning.

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

never felt justified

So I've not heard from Julie since a few days after I moved. Fair enough, I was pausing communications until I could tell her something solid, and without bias. There was no need to speak to her, I didn't want to fight, bitch or moan anymore. Certain people tried, and failed to draw me into a slanging match about her, but I couldn't. Sure I felt hard done by, and not alittle sorry for myself, but why hold on to all that? I had other things to worry about. The sooner I could get finances sorted, the sooner I could start paying what I owed.

Julie knew I have this blog. I didn't want to assume, but I suspected that since all other form of contact was out, she might read in from time to time. At least to see if I was bitching. I don't remember about alot of the ranting I did back then, so I've just read back. Yeah - I alluded to the fact I was upset. But I wasn't overly emotional about it, just stating facts. Apart from that, I've decided silence was my best option. It wasn't my right to rant on (and online) about only *my side* to the story. Of course, I'm biased. Right now though, my anger is directed toward the DWP, and I have no time to bitch about anything else.

Today, I was told Julie has started a blog. 3 posts so far, and 2 were pretty much about evil little moi and how I used and abused her generous nature. I'm not egotistical, but seriously, how passive aggressive is that? Blog, then link it to a newsfeed my BEST FRIEND AND BOYFRIEND still have access to. Julie many be many things, but not among them is stupid. Connect the dots, and here I am. Livid, and having disposed of breakfast via toilet bowl. With every half truth, every accusation pointed in my direction, she paints a pretty picture of me sucking her dry while she struggles to cope. Best of all, she then calls me an "amazing friend" before slandering me yet again.

I replied. Of course I did! Even though, the bile in my throat is making me gag, I don't want to turn this into an online argument, or worse, force people to take sides, but when I posted my comment, I was greeted with an "awaiting moderation" page. So I know, my comment will never see the light of day on her blog. It calls her out on too many things, and doesn't even BEGIN to spill the secrets she once told me. I wouldn't, and couldn't do that, but the desire to act the evil bitch she portrayed me to be is strong.

I'm not saying she's lying, or not seeing things as she sees them, but to present her version as solid fact is utterly classless.

So here it is, live and unedited, my response to her accusations. And not once have I felt justified.

Right. You feel wronged. Well so do I. You never gave me the chance to speak for myself. Right to reply? At least tell me you are bitching about me so I have one.

I'm so angry right now I'm shaking. I feel sick. You gave a half story, and you don't know ANYTHING about my life as it is now.

Right. I lost my job. An illegal one, thanks for announcing that. I was living on £66.11 a week, income support. You KNEW THIS. I tried so hard to find a job, then when I got one, I worked for 9 days. I was fired. Hardly enough to pay all the money I know I still owe you, and barely enough to pay myself out of the little pockets of debt I had so I could concentrate on paying you everything. I was honest about everything. When I tried to reclaim IC, the form got sent back to the wrong department. Then they wouldn't release it the the correct department until they had assessed it. Then I was told it was lost, I had to reclaim. I did it over the phone, and the declaration they sent out never arrived. Then I got kicked out, and since I had to change districts, from West Dumbartonshire to Glasgow - my files had to be sent over. Again, they went missing. I was told time after time it'll get sorted out evantually.

Since March 17 2009, I have been living off £76.44 a fortnight on crisis loans. I have had to sell things, and borrow even more cash to make rent since I can't claim for housing benefit right now.

I understand why you did it. I just don't like the way you did. A text message hours after you heard me argue YET again to the DWP about how they've fucked up. You kicked me when I was down. I felt so guilty about the whole thing, I was never at your house! I stayed with G 6 nights outta 7 from sheer guilt!

Don't you think for one minute I don't regret the way things turned out, because I do. You're not the only one who felt betrayed.

I'm at the mercy of a system thats supposed to help me, and I'm days away from being homeless yet again. I thought you understood the pressures I was under. I gutted out your house time and time again, for the few hours a week I was there, by way of penance, since I couldn't pay my way, I'd try to keep the house clean.

But I couldn't even do that.

And damn right I took the washing up liquid. I was being irrational, wiping my existence off your flat, trying to forget it ever happened. Plus, I had a new place to clean, and I paid for it. I'm surprised you didn't mention though, that I left my tumble dryer, or the pots.

Right now, I can't afford busfare much. I've not been able to get back to Dalmuir, not through lack of trying, believe me. You WILL get your suitcase back, it's sitting by the door, waiting to be took back. You WILL be getting money from me, as soon as I start getting paid. I've recently started a new job. I will contact you to set up a standing order.

But next time Julie, don't make it seem you were so hard done by. I tried my best, don't paint me the villian. When you tried to read that letter to me, it was all I could do not to harm myself for all the shit I've screwed up. Don't confuse a less than emotional reaction with not caring. I didn't want to make you feel worse or guilty if I showed how desparate I felt.

Funny. We could have salvaged something outta this mess. You've just killed any chance of that happening.

Bad Things by Jace Everett

When you came in the air went out.
And every shadow filled up with doubt.
I don't know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.

I'm the kind to sit up in his room.
Heart sick an' eyes filled up with blue.
I don't know what you've done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.

When you came in the air went out.
And all those shadows there filled up with doubt.
I don't know who you think you are,
But before the night is through,
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.
Ow, ooh.

I don't know what you've done to me,
But I know this much is true:
I wanna do bad things with you.
I wanna do real bad things with you.