Again, I know. I suck. I'm stuck between wanting stability and a need to feel free. Letting go of most of my worldly goods, back at Tarfside, then again at the hostel, then Fleming, and lastly when I moved into Dalmuir, was always easier than I always thought. I miss my friends like mad, but I've survived without having them around. I CAN cope without them. I'm fantasising about a flat by the sea, a sure sign I need something consistent and solid. Yes, water is neither solid or consistent as such, but being near the water always grounds me, calms me down. I can breathe and slow down without feeling like I should be doing something!
I know what I mean.
In the other corner though, is the burning desire to get back into Glasgow, back in the thick of things, lose myself in the whirlwind of endless appointments, interviews, social life, going here, there and everywhere and only stopping to sleep. Don't think too much. No analysing of the whys and wherefores.
I don't think I've got it all figured out in my head. I just know I feel trapped in a cage of my own making. I've got the key, but I'm afraid to use it. Everytime I move on, leave someplace, I lose something dear to me, and soon, I don't think I'll have anything left.
I suppose, when that happens, I can do what I want, for I'll have nothing left to lose.
But will I be happy about it?