Tuesday, 28 July 2009
Time to lighten up. Literally and figuratively. Time for a change. Let's stick to what I love. Time to start pushing forward again.
I'm going back to therapy, and I won't not go this time. I don't care who else might be there. I need to go get help, I need to register with GHA. I will start looking after myself, I'm proud that I've been wheat-free for over a month, but I need to do more. Take a tip from my girlie and start going to the gym. Fix my damn hair, it's shallow, but I feel better when I think I look better. Do my nails. Start to put my make up on again on a daily basis. Wear clothes that have more than a practical purpose, clothes that cheer me up, make me feel good too. It might seem silly, but do you know what? I don't give a flying fuck. I know I feel better about myself when I spend alittle time every morning on just me.
What jump started this after yesterday's post? This lovely woman. A few days ago, she wrote about why women let themselves go. It got me thinking, as I read it this morning. Sinking into a deep depression is one thing, something I may not not have much control over, but I'll be damned if I let myself go with it. Looking at my sorry state in the mirror isn't going to cheer me up now, is it? No. My feeling on my face and my unwillingness to look after myself, even the most basic care like brushing my hair, is almost an admition of defeat. I don't want to be defeated by this. I want to get better. And if that means taking the shallow route, so be it. I'll paddle in the warm waters of self worth before I get the courage to dive in further. I refuse to not try. I want to look at myself and like, if not what I see, but at least the fact I made the effort. I want to see me, not my illness. And me likes make up. Red hair. Retro clothes. The gym. Hats. Heels. Smiling.
It's not just my body that'll be getting the make over. It'll be every aspect of my life, down to this blog. I need to change how I think, how I deal (or not, as the case may be!) with everything. I don't expect too much of myself, don't worry. I won't run before I can walk. My priorities, in their most basic form, are as follows:
Within these, obviously, are alot more challenges I face. My relationships need to be sorted. I'm a lucky girl, G is still amazing and I never want to forget that, but I need to work on reconnecting with my family and my friends. I've burrowed too long. Time to rejoin reality. I need to relearn how to be an independent person. Financially, emotionally, absolutely. But I miss my friends. I miss my family. And this will be the jumpstart I need after stalling. I had a fantastic start.