Sunday, 13 June 2010

And, I'm gone.

I had to do it. I really don't know what else to say, that won't sound horrible or bitchy. I respect that change happens, but to happen so damn quickly, casually tossing aside thoughts and feeling I long held to be important... I couldn't, and won't, be a part of it. I see things only from my point of view, as everyone does, and I can't stop feeling the way I do. It might be wrong, but it's my instinct, and I ignore that at my peril. I did try to ignore, stop reading between the lines, but I don't know how something so special twisted into something painful.

Is it really so important that I'm around? It doesn't seem so, and I'd rather not push a connection that seems to be severed beyond all repair. Simple fact is, logical or not, any decision made impacts more than can ever be predicated. It's the sad side to ripples in the water, far reaching consequences of a decision made to benefit the self.

Maybe it's a testament to the importance someone holds, even when they don't realise it. Put on a pedestal and unwittingly disappoint when it's revealed you have flaws like anyone else.

Regardless. This wasn't about taking sides. It never was. I took the decision to remove myself from more upset, more anger, and what was fast becoming hate. I never expected those sort of feelings to arise in this friendship, and I would rather leave it alone now, than it descend into a mutual headlock where nothing can be salvaged because I can't bring myself to agree with the choices you have made.

The funny thing is, in my position, I suspect you'd feel the very same.


Cheryl said...

Consider this my goodbye then as I wasn't even allowed a chance to truly give one.

Would I feel the same? No. Have I been in a situation where my closest of friends made decisions I did not understand or necessarily support? Yes. What happened to your "I'll always be there for you no matter the decision you make." What happened there?

Was I hurt more than I can explain the moment I realised you'd summarily dismissed me from your life? You bet your ass I was. No matter the distance I was still calling you one of my closest friends, one of the people that meant the most. I was still trying to come up with ways to visit so that not EVERYTHING got thrown to the wolves.

But, clearly, what was said to me - that no matter the decisions made, or the outcome, I'd still be wanted ... clearly those were lies. From a variety of sources.

I sincerely hope that you are happy, that you find what you've spent so long searching for, because regardless of what happened between Chris and I, or you and I, you impacted my life in a drastic and soul-touching way. I want nothing for you but for you to actually be happy.

Good luck.

Blessed Be.

Miz said...

I wish nothing less than the same for you.

I decided to publish this comment, as is only fair, but a part of me did want to keep it private. Time will tell if I made the right decision.

I don't want to argue. I removed myself as a way to protect you as well as myself - I couldn't give voice to the vile thoughts in my head and I certainly didn't want to say them to you. I would have ended up doing so, I've no doubt and I refuse to risk that. Could I have done it differently? Yes, of course, but I did it this way and now you have to accept a decision I've made for myself.

I never lied. I just never suspected for a single second I would turn into someone who would intentionally hurt someone I care so deeply about by what I would say. So I chose to say nothing. I'd rather be a letdown to you than someone who caused you pain.

You know I'm happy, and I've stopped searching for more than what I have. But, like I say, I really hope you don't have to keep searching. I'd like to think that out there, you feel just as blessed as I do. Someday. But right now, I can't be involved in that.