Thursday, 8 January 2009

Breaking up is hard... thank god I'm not!

OK, had to get that in quickly before I got a million questions asking if Gof and I are ok. We are, extremely amazing. In fact, I'm only reminded of how lucky I am, compared to what my friends are going through. I never would wish this on my worst enemy (if I had one), and right now I'm seeing it played out before my eyes.

If someone has enriched your life so much, why does it have to end badly? I understand that relationships don't always last, but does it have to go from love to hate? I can't imagine even hating my ex so much, and even though the breakup was a hard, painful one, now that the dust has settled I only look back on it with happiness. We were happy, once, and that relationship and that person shaped who I am today, so I can't hate him for that.

Is it that maybe breakups seem unnatural? That maybe the guilt of leaving a person turns to a sort of loathing for them, for inspiring that guilt? I can understand that, somewhat. I hate the idea of breaking someone's heart, and would hate myself for doing it, no matter how right it was.

Maybe there is no right way of breaking up with someone. Breakups are rarely mutual, even if both know it's for the best, and someone will always be hurt. Someone will always be the one being told it's over. It's all very well thinking, ok, we had a good run, go now in peace and happiness, but the reality is always tears, screaming matches, accusations and fights over the DVD's. Respect and honesty get sidelined and you lose sight of why you loved that person. Racing towards a quick break, making the wrong decisions, forcing that person to hate you so that it's 'easier' for you both.

My mind is racing. I'm remembering the mistakes I made and I'm confusing them with what other people have done. Round in circles, and it's a horrible trap. I never want to do that to Gof, but I'm a realist. I know we might not last.

No. I refuse to start that again. I'm not thinking about the might be's, just on the solid here and now.

Meh. Rant over.

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