I'm in a bit of a quandary. I'm sick of what's happening in my life right now, and I'm no longer very happy in stasis. Still no job, still no sign of any work whatsoever. I know everyone is in the same boat, so I can't bitch too much about that. But surely, I'm allowed to be annoyed? I'm living on less than £20 a week, I'm missing my friends, and I hate living so far away. Yes, I know too, that Dalmuir isn't far from Glasgow, but emotionally it is. And I can never afford to pay the fare in.
Thing is, I think I want out. Out of Dalmuir, out of Glasgow, out of the poverty. I'm getting restless, my feet are itching to move, only I don't know where I would go. And The obvious choice is Wales, where at least my mum and sister live. I can't do that without leaving G though, and I don't want to do that. Our relationship is strong, and he has kept me going when I would've gave up. But I'm running on empty now, and there's nothing to "go" towards. Would it be selfish to stay, and hope that something will turn up to pull me out of the funk, while subjecting him to the mood swings and neediness? Or is it more selfish to leave, start someplace new, knowing he couldn't follow and effectively ending a relationship with I man I adore? To cause that pain in us both just because I'm fast running out of patience?
I know I can't guarantee success elsewhere, and I may fail completely, but at least I would know I tried. That, more than the failure, may just keep me going.
I take pleasure in the simple things in life, housekeeping, coffee, being with my friends, nature. But these don't pay my bills and I'd just like to earn my way.
I need to take action, and make a decision, soon. And yes, I know, I also need to talk to Gof. I don't want to overwhelm him with the despair I feel, but I feel like I'm lying to him, and it's dishonest to keep this quandry from him any longer. I doubt it'll be a bolt from the blue, he's a smart cookie my Mr, he'll have a clue, but it's time I tell what I've been hiding.
Ok, maybe not right now, it's 2.54am, but soon. Later today soon. Wish me luck! Eep.