Saturday, 7 March 2009

Am I there yet?

So, I've been officially employed for 3 days. Already I know that it'll last a long time, because this job is a comforting mixture of "daily grind" and "career". I know I still want to own my own place, and in this current climate, it's just not possible. The world has too much debt, and so do I. I want to pay my dues, so to speak. In every cafe I've worked in, I've taken from it what I can, education-wise, and taught myself the rest. In Esquire's, being a franchise, they have the work ethic of an independent, with the job security of a chain. Here, I can just work, and learn, until the time I'm more able, financially, emotionally, physically, to look at my plans again.

I know this. I know it's a good plan. But after all this time, all this effort to find a job, any job, I still feel like I'm crawling at slow pace. I'm ecstatic I'm no longer on benefits (goodbye £66.11 a week!), and I'll feel amazing when I pay my first rent (weird I know), but still, when will things actually change?

I feel suspended in motion. Caught between the action and reaction. For about 4 years now, I've *just about* done... something. But I've never got there - yet. I've so many ambitions, and every time I try to reach for something, I'm held back by my own neuroses. I can't blame anything but that. I'm my own worst enemy. Even when the going's good, I still focus on the negative. For instance, I have a great boyfriend I love spending time with, but I complain about not seeing my friends enough. Completely my fault, and yet instead of doing something about it, I just complain. I love my new job, but I still feel like I've failed because I've not managed to get my own place yet. I have to remind myself that what's for me won't go by, as long as I continue to hold on and keep working towards it.

I'm only 24! I have to remind myself for that too! Alot of 24 year olds don't know what they want to do with their lives, nevermind have a *sort of* plan. I'm working hard to keep focused, and I have people around me that keep me sane. Patience is a virtue, I know. But so is self belief, and I need to work on that too.

Ok, maybe I should come back when I make sense. I'm babbling, so I'll stop now.


magestic-kitten said...

You sound a lot like I did. You WILL get there, you're just going to have to give it more time than you really *want* to... It's wonderful how the world pushes you to your edge... then off before you get what it is that you're so desperately seeking.


Vintage Kitten said...

Im pushing 40 and I still dont know what I want to do yet. At 24 you have plenty of time. Dont spend time stressing about things, go with the flow and enjoy yourself. I left home at 18 and I wasted my twenties because I was bogged down with a mortgage, work and responsibility (probably the reason why I act like a big kid now LOL!) X