Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Just thinkin'

So, I'm a bit of a hot headed mess sometimes. Yes, I realise this is not news, but I've been thinking about it for a few days now. I tend to want to think things through, but mostly I fly off the handle and say whatever I'm feeling at the time. Sometimes this is absolutely the right thing to do, but more often, I end up wishing I'd waited. Recently, I've ended up with examples of both.

My lovely friend is going through a hellish hard time, and, after careful consideration (and berating herself already for putting herself first) she decided to break it off with her new(ish) boyfriend. He is a genuinely nice guy, I believe that, but he can be quite self-centred, and therefore selfish. I won't go into examples, this isn't about bitching about him, so you'll have to take my word for it.

He didn't take it too well.

Knowing why, and what she'd been going through, he still decided the best course of action would be to harass her constantly.

I didn't take that too well.

He was (emphasis on "was") a friend on myspace, and I posted a little something on my blog there. I also posted it fb, just in case he missed it, he'd see it there. I had permission from my friend to post it, after she read it too.

You fucking bastard.
How FUCKING dare you! Kick HER in the teeth when you know SHE'S down! But oh no, it's ALL ABOUT YOU. Pity poor you. Screaming little child, having a tantrum when you don't get your own way.

YOU fucked it up, pure and simple. You expected too much from a girl who was drowning and didn't want to tell. YOU are so wrapped up in yourself you can't even BEGIN to imagine how someone else might be feeling, even someone you claimed to love. Worse, I doubt you even cared. It was about how YOU felt about HER problems.

She wasn't your mother. She was tired of making fucking excuses everytime YOU made decisions that caused problems. Accidents happen, but your idiot mentality never will - you're too set in your "Oh poor me" ways. It's never your fault, is it? Blame someone else, blame booze, blame your mental state. You give people with problems a bad name. I'm a card carrying crazy person, but somehow I don't blame EVERY fucked up thing I do on that - take some fucking responsibility for your own actions you arsehole. It's called being held accountable, an important step into better mental health. But no, you'd prefer to always be the victim.

Fine - go be the victim, but I will warn you. If I EVER get a broken best friend because YOU have thrown a stupid tantrum because of the decisions she has made FOR HER - I will break your fucking neck. I have no time for someone who wallows in their own shit, and luckily I never have to see you again, but you drag her into it again, then I'll blame MY mental health for what I'll do to you. No court would convict.

Leave her alone.

Yeah, I was mad. Very much so. I tend to feel violent when people hurt my friends, and what he was doing was unforgivable. But I jumped into writing, as I do, before my logical mind could catch up. Reading it back now, I realise there's was only one possible outcome to that post. He never responded to me directly, oh, no - because that would have probably started a war I would win. He can't get to me the way he gets to her. And he did. He gave her such a hard time, and again, when she told me, my first reaction was to verbally bitch slap him into seeing that what he was doing was wrong, and this time, more directly, and maybe less verbally. But guilt hit before I got to the pc. If I had thought my actions through before, I would never have caused her to feel more pain. It was my fault. I should have known better.

Still, I couldn't let it go by without a comment, but this time, I wanted to maybe appeal to the nicer, more sensitive side of him. I knew it was there. I was explicitly clear *I* still thought he was an idiot, but this wasn't about what I thought about him. At least, I tried. I also had permission to post this one.

Homicide is such a strong word...
Are people really that thick? Seriously - when you read something directed at you, you'd maybe take in what it says. Instead, this idiot proves my point exactly by turning my utter rage-filled rant into another stick to beat my best friend with.

She's sinking, with no lifeboard to cling to. It's almost painful, hearing the break in her voice, the shame and guilt, for finally doing something for herself. Even now, she doubts herself. I hate that. She should be confident, sure, and happy. She deserves nothing less.

Love, to me, means putting your loved ones happiness before your own. I love Gof beyond any reason I ever thought possible, and yet, to make him happy, I would gladly break my own heart. I have thought several times that he would be better off without me, and tried to break up with him - but he won't let me, he hasn't given up. I've came to the conclusion he is happy with me, and I'm relived. I'm lucky. But if anything was ever to change - I'd still cut out my own heart before he felt pain.

Love, true and real love, is not selfish. It is never about you. It's about who you can be. I can't understand a concept that allows hurting, deliberately, someone you love just because you hurt. Even if they're the ones hurting you. You can't, because how could you look at yourself knowing you caused them to feel that pain? Is that what love turned you into?

I don't understand. And right now, my love for my friend is invoking another strong feeling within me. Anger. Even hate. I would destroy those who hurt her. I have destroyed before. Believe me.

She had to make a decision, based on her health, her wellbeing, her sanity, and she made probably one of the hardest decisions she's ever had to make - not because she wanted to, but because she had to. This was not a decision she made easily, and she is facing the fallout even without the childish behaviour from her idiot ex. The fact he's still acting like a petulant child and bothering her only serves to prove the point the decision she made was the right one.

She has enough drama in her life. Don't add fuel to fire, because when she burns out, there will be nothing left. And if there's nothing left, I'll have no other choice. Understand, I mean this. She means too much to me to let you get anyway with that.

Okay, okay, so, it wasn't as nice or as civil as it could have been. I tried my best, given the circumstances. But now, whether he took me at my word or not, he's behaving like a nicer human being again. I doubt it's down to my not-so-subtle threats, or even my pleas to let her go, and I'll never know because I haven't and probably will not hear from him ever again. My main concern is my friend. Right now, she's coping better. That is in no small thanks, due to the fact he's stopped acting like a fool. That she's happier is all I care about.

This adventure has taught me something I needed to know. I have to stop jumping in before I know how deep the water is. As I said, I really did like the guy before all this, and I should have remembered that when I was so mad. I need to take this opportunity to grow from this too. In alot of respects, I was no better than he was. Behaving like a petulant child. I have to make getting myself better a priority too.

I'm not sorry I said what I did. But maybe, next time I feel the need to run and protect my friends, I should think before I act.


The Vintage Kitten said...

How many times have I said next time I will think before I act? Im afraid its not in me to be like that. I sound very much like you when standing up for someone I care about. I go on a rant then on reflection I think maybe I shouldnt have done or said that, but thats the way I am. Im sure your 'words' to this person have helped towards the improvement of his behaviour. I suppose you should look at it in this way. You are reacting to him hurting your friend, but he is hurt too so he is reacting to that. Its not worth you getting so upset over it. At the end of the day its upto your friend if she wants this man or not. At least she knows she has a good friend in you if and when it all goes wrong! X

Miz said...

Thanks sweetie. It's just, I feel I should at least try to calm down in future. Even if I don't - I tried, right? :D

Oh, on another note, because I can't comments on your blog anymore (stupid stalker woman!) - I just wanted to say I'm glad she didn't scare you away, I love reading your posts! Keep up the good work!