Friday, 12 March 2010

And then some...

I have a job! Finally! I start tomorrow, and will talk you all about it then. Right now, I just feel like everything is finally falling into place - a real step in the direction of life! There's so much coming up, that I just want to jump up and down and scream in the best possible way.

But I'm nervous. The old me, still hidden in a small way, is silently waiting for something to go wrong, for something to topple and make all else that's going right fall down with it. I try not to pay attention to the negative side of me, but it was a defence mechanism I used for so long. I expected the worst, and in a weird way, felt justified in assuming that things go wrong, because they always did. I didn't realise it was self-serving, almost like I sabotaged the good without really realising it. Even now, I need to stop myself from making the obvious mistake to ensure I know I'm doing everything in power not to screw it up. Like I've said before, I want to feel the fear of success. I want to know, with every inch of my being, that I can, and will, succeed. I'm capable. I'm strong.

I've started to over-analyse things again. It's something about me I've tried without much success to change. So, instead of fighting a losing battle, I've utilised it. I turn it into over-analysing the possibilities, decisions about financial matters, emotional ones, whatever, but in a positive way, not thinking only about what can go wrong. As a result, I've been very happy with each and every choice I've made recently, knowing that I've weighed up the pro's and cons in a thoughtful way.

I know what I mean!

I'm still to hit my stride, but I know at least I'm trying to find the rhythm I'll enjoying dancing to, and that's good enough for me.

For now. 

No comments: