Thursday, 2 July 2009

Me, Myself, I

Every so often I remember what a nasty person I am. Seriously. I have to put up with me, because, well, there's no other option!

Don't get me wrong, this isn't an "I hate myself" post. Quite the opposite, in fact. Regardless of the way life is right now, I'm still pretty happy with my lot. I have hope, too, that my life is about to improve immensely. But with all this change, I'm getting not a little introspective.

I'm 25 now. According to my 6 year old self, I should have my own house, and be one year away from being ready to start a family. I should be a lawyer, and go on cruise ship holidays (my aunt went on them and they seemed sooo cool!). I had a very definite idea of how adults should be, and that was it, for me. It didn't occur to me, until later, that maybe *I* didn't want those things. My life's goals changed, as they are wont to do, as I grew older. Now, I know, I don't want to have children, that need to procreate just isn't in me. Law was a dream I didn't see realised because of the choices I made, and I'm not overly upset for the loss. Cruise holidays don't seem as cool. The only thing that has stuck, is the longing for a place to call my own. But, despite knowing how to go about achieving that aim, I'm no closer to reaching it than I was when I first lived alone aged 16.

My life, and the way I've lived it, has affected me in many ways. I'm not going to do into the different memories, rather, I want to examine who I am as a person due to, and sometimes, in spite of, my history.

I know I'm spoilt. Oh lordy, yes, I am the ultimate spoilt bitch. Demanding, pouting, huffy little madam. Intensely selfish. But rather than just write that off as a negative, some positive comes of that. People are never unaware of how I feel. I am sometimes spoilt about odd things, like refusing to accept money I don't have to buy shoes I can't afford. I aim to be spoilt and self sufficient. I don't like the idea of being *kept*. I demand respect, even when I know I probably don't deserve it. I'm spoilt in the sense that if I want to learn about something, I'll damn well go and find out about it, from Chaos Theory to who sang a particular lyric of a song I don't remember in full.

I have a short attention span. Oh so annoying, even for me. I'm the stereo typical girl in that sense because... oh look a butterfly!

See what I did there?

If something stops interesting me, I'll lose all interest in following through. Case in point, I have at least 3 "drafts" on this blog that I know I'll probably never get round to finishing. I KNOW for a fact I'll stop writing this blog pretty soon, because right now I've got housework on the brain and I want to go clean the bathroom. Crazy - right? Chances are, I'll find something else to do before I actually finish the bathroom, at that!

I'm lazy. Lazy with a guilt complex. I realise there's always better things to do with my thing, but chances are, I won't, even knowing that doing said more important thing will make me ridiculously pleased with myself because I did it! Whole days have went by where I've barely moved, then I feel bad and promise to do better next time.

It's difficult for me to resist temptation. I'm serious! If I decide to stop eating wheat (12 days now! In a row! Ridiculously pleased? You bet!) I'm constantly finding ways to break that. Yesterday was tough. I sat in a cafe, and almost ordered a panini, just because, but at the last second, I thought better and ordered a baked potato instead (cue the ridic. pleased music). Why was I going to throw away 11 days of good behaviour? Because I'm spoilt, that why, and I'm sick of trying to be the good girl. It's silly really. I know within a few hours, I'll feel as ill as hell, I'll be itchy, a rash will appear and my stomach will be in agony. All for that 5 mins of saying fuck you to the world. Pointless, and yet, I know, I'll feel like that again. It won't go away, but I need to learn to ALWAYS chose to ignore the spoilt brat within, for once.

Ok, it's 15.55 on Thursday 2 July... I'm away to tidy. Lets say how long it takes me to come back to it.

To hell with it, I'm posting this, then I NEED to come back to finish it!

Public confessions, nothing like it to guilt you into finish something you started!

It's 01.41 on Saturday night. I was going to finish this earlier on, but I've had a less than perfect state of mind today. Nothing serious, really, but I didn't want to change the whole tone of this particular blog post. I WILL come back to it, I promise, but for now, I'm off to bed.

PS, I lost on phone during the week (I'm still mourning!) so I've lost everyone's numbers. I'll start asking around for the numbers when I get a new phone!

I'll finish this blog as a two parter, so no-one has to re-read this for the second or third time. I'm nice like that.


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