Monday, 18 October 2010

Find a clue

I'm having a bit of a crisis. I'm constantly knackered and generally feeling lousy, I feel fat, uninspired, frumpy and bored of out my mind. My house keeping is important to me, and it gives my a sense of comfort, but I've let it far by the wayside.

I just feel lost.

I was in Wales over the weekend. My mum was in hospital for a spinal operation, and I wasn't missing that for the world. It wasn't a risk I was willing to take, that something could go wrong and I was 400 miles away. It was a busy and emotional weekend but I'm glad I managed it. I'm actually on the phone to mum right now, and I love how normal she is sounding, just talking about my niece and nephew. I'm hoping to get back down in a fortnight, but it's very much based on if I can get overtime.

While I was there, I was astounded by the sheer will power my sister has. Not only has she two kids under 5 to care for, she has a full time job, she's caring for my mum, AND scrubbing out a new flat my mum was offered a day before the op, so that mum can move in seamlessly after she's able to be independent again. All this, after she has completed a surrogacy two months ago. I need her stamina. Her iron will.

In the meantime, I'm just coasting along. I need some energy. I need inspiration. I need routine.

I want to clean out my home again. It's not a tarfside tragedy, but it's not as perfect as it could be - should be.

I want to get excited about my job again.

I want to take pride in myself again, not just the barest maintenance. Ego aside, I know that when I take care of my physical self, my mental state is default: happy.

I just want to have a life again.

Right now, excluding the weekend, my life consists of crawling out of bed at the last possible minute, climbing into the shower then my uniform and sloping off to work, feeling miserable there, then going home, sitting on the couch and staring at my laptop until I go to bed.

What a crock of shit. Lovely kind of life there. Not what I've dreamed of while I was sitting in a hostel.Where is Gof in this, I hear you ask? Being ignored, mostly. Not what he dreamed of either, I'd wager. (ed. note - he's not here right now, it's game night with the boys) 

I don't know how I got into this funk. Autumn is my favourite season, I finally have a home I love. I have, as always, my gorgeous Gof trying to support me. Our bills are paid. My job is secure, with a promotion in sight.

So why this funk?



Answers on a postcard please.

Until then, I'm going to attempt.... something.


Anonymous said...

You've got what I have SAD!! Seasonally Affective Disorder!!! Lack of sunlight hon!! Can strike at anytime.

Miz said...

See, I don't think it is. I've always loved this time of year. I'll look into it though. I hate how insular I've become over the last few weeks. :S

Graeme said...

Maybe time for some serious introspection. I know that this entry shows that you are obviously already trying to understand where all this is coming from - but you are not going to be able to help yourself until you do understand it. Ask yourself: what are you thinking about when your mind wanders, when you try to get to sleep, when you are bored? Is it just nonsense? Or is there a focus there? If you don't find anything, spend Gof's next evening out with the computer and TV off - just sit, meditate, see what comes to you.

Obviously, you may not find a focus - and if you don't, you can still try to help yourself.

Cognetive Behavioural Therapy teaches that the best way to beat a low spell, or a bout of ennui, is to do something - *anything* - to break the pattern. Next time you open the laptop to stare at it, just post "going for a wee walk" on fb, and then go for one. Just 5 minutes even, down to the corner and back. Stop and watch the leaves blow, listen to the city. It sounds like a crock, but it works.

Absolutely do not keep shutting yourself away - you'll end up like me :/

I hope you are feeling better soon.

gofur said...

what graeme said is good n true, i used to play my pc all the time i dont do it sa much as i used to, i miss it a bit but i always have something to do and i like curling up with you on the sofa watching stuff together instead, breaking the patern is good.
add a little chaos to the mix.
love ya babe XXX

Miz said...

Thanks Graeme, I'm actually in the wait list for CBT, but in the meantime I'm struggling more than I'd like. I've been worse, but I've also been better, and I'd like to know I'm doing everything I can to make sure I'm taking responsibility for my own mental health. Which means not hiding when I'm not feeling great. It's not ideal, I hate feeling like I'm throwing myself a pity party, but if I'm not completely honest and open, nothing will change.

Gof, you are sitting right next to me watching Jamie's 30 minute dinners, and I know you can't see what I'm typing - but I'm very aware, always, how lucky I am to have you always trying to push me to succeed. I know how much of a pain I am, thank you for loving me anyway. Love you long time! xx

Graeme said...

My doctor has just advised me to join
It appears to have a lot of cognitive therapy stuff on it to work through, which might help you. It also allows you to track how you are feeling, and see what progress you are making. Also, when you reach the top of the list, and get a CBT practitioner, they will probably be a member already, and will be able to link accounts (if you wish) and track your progress/offer advice as you need it. Perhaps you should sign up and try it?