I'm having a bit of a crisis. I'm constantly knackered and generally feeling lousy, I feel fat, uninspired, frumpy and bored of out my mind. My house keeping is important to me, and it gives my a sense of comfort, but I've let it far by the wayside.
I just feel lost.
I was in Wales over the weekend. My mum was in hospital for a spinal operation, and I wasn't missing that for the world. It wasn't a risk I was willing to take, that something could go wrong and I was 400 miles away. It was a busy and emotional weekend but I'm glad I managed it. I'm actually on the phone to mum right now, and I love how normal she is sounding, just talking about my niece and nephew. I'm hoping to get back down in a fortnight, but it's very much based on if I can get overtime.
While I was there, I was astounded by the sheer will power my sister has. Not only has she two kids under 5 to care for, she has a full time job, she's caring for my mum, AND scrubbing out a new flat my mum was offered a day before the op, so that mum can move in seamlessly after she's able to be independent again. All this, after she has completed a surrogacy two months ago. I need her stamina. Her iron will.
In the meantime, I'm just coasting along. I need some energy. I need inspiration. I need routine.
I want to clean out my home again. It's not a tarfside tragedy, but it's not as perfect as it could be - should be.
I want to get excited about my job again.
I want to take pride in myself again, not just the barest maintenance. Ego aside, I know that when I take care of my physical self, my mental state is default: happy.
I just want to have a life again.
Right now, excluding the weekend, my life consists of crawling out of bed at the last possible minute, climbing into the shower then my uniform and sloping off to work, feeling miserable there, then going home, sitting on the couch and staring at my laptop until I go to bed.
What a crock of shit. Lovely kind of life there. Not what I've dreamed of while I was sitting in a hostel.Where is Gof in this, I hear you ask? Being ignored, mostly. Not what he dreamed of either, I'd wager. (ed. note - he's not here right now, it's game night with the boys)
I don't know how I got into this funk. Autumn is my favourite season, I finally have a home I love. I have, as always, my gorgeous Gof trying to support me. Our bills are paid. My job is secure, with a promotion in sight.
So why this funk?
Answers on a postcard please.
Until then, I'm going to attempt.... something.